Friday, January 25, 2008

Dragons are real.

Wearing a knowing smirk much like the Archangelic Mike and Gabe, I would like to picture Heath as looking at us from heaven saying, "Is no one going to comment on the size of my massive man-parts? I'm the fucking Joker, that's me naked—right there—and that's my giant dick. Even in death, I fucking rule." And then River Phoenix glances sideways at him and says, "Shut the hell up, Heath, at least your last movie wasn't Silent Tongue, you've got goddamn Batman. I'd even take Ned Kelly over Silent Tongue, jackass."

But isn't it kind of odd that Heath and Brad Renfro died a week apart? I'm not saying it's murder, or that they're even connected…but if I were Joshua Jackson, Tobey Maguire, or Hayden Christensen right now I'd watch my back and start reading pill labels in grave, painful detail.

Of course, speaking of Archangels, went to Kentucky on Tuesday so I could check out the Creation Museum, which I've only been talking about for several months.

Everything I ever dreamed about and more. The Men in White (Mike and Gabe—like if Michael and Gabriel were superChristian alterna-hippies circa 1992 who talked like surfer dudes) told me about how Darwin was a douchebag and that the world is only 6,000 years old instead of 4.2 billion years old. How did they pick 6,000? Well, they counted back the generations in the line of Jesus all the way to Adam, and realized the world was created in 4,000 BC. So, the dinosaurs are that old. And lived in Eden.

Ah, but do they have scientific proof? Of course - Helium leakage in zircon, of course. And then Mike and Gabe further prove their point by sitting in the back of a classroom wearing skullcaps and drugrugs, making fun of their square science teacher for teaching about isotopes and Darwin, who is nothing compared to the big JC.

The Creation Museum is basically about the fall of man and how Darwin is evil. See, Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden with the toucans and the lambs and the cougars and the dinosaurs and the dragons (what? No unicorns? I call slander) and everyone ate pineapples and carrots and Adam and Eve would walk hand in hand beneath a silvery moon on a path lit by the firebreath of the lamb-gentle Eden-dragons.

Then the treacherous snake peer pressures them into eating the Fruit of Death, and then they realize they're naked and start slaughtering sheep so they can wear their skin per Buffalo Bill and Eddie Gein.

All of this, by the way, is exhibited using morbid and painfully detailed mannequins all around the museum.

So they get locked out of Eden and the begatting begins. They make some babies and some of their babies' babies kill each other very evilly, and dinosaurs start eating meat instead of pineapples and dragons kill people and everyone is just constantly fucking with the lambs. Sin enters the world.

And then eventually Noah builds an ark to avoid the upcoming worldwide flood, which totally happened, and we know this because of vertically floating logs. The ark is a boat that is, according to the Creationists, 510 feet long, which is enough space to house two of every species INCLUDING the 50 or so types of dinosaurs and dragons, all of which behaved themselves like little sacrificial sheep. There was an entire exhibit on how Noah fit the dinosaurs in the ark.

Then, see, after the waters dry up, the plants that the vegetarian dinosaurs eat don't grow as frequently, and it starts getting really cold and muddy. And the dinosaurs die.

Dragons, however, may still be around today, hiding up in the Scottish Highlands or Tibet or something.

I guess I just can't respect a belief system that bends the rules of science and treats theories as opinions to justify their own means. On top of it they built an entire museum which functions solely on a poorly constructed mockery of beliefs that differ from theirs.

If they ignored the concept of science and focused on Creation, their museum would be much more credible. You can believe what you want, but if you have to promote it by putting down others, who in their right mind should believe it?

So obviously, Creationists are not in their right minds. And they were all about over exclaiming things.

Imagine giant wall posters that say: WORLD VIEW - WRONG! GOD'S VIEW - RIGHT! They believe we were monkeys! Monkeys, I tell you! They are idiots and we are smart, because we know the truth about the Lord! Hahahahaha! Down with evolution!

At least museums that are dedicated to science show respect for Christianity, instead of laughing and beating it to a bloody mass. Science don't give a shit, Jesus. It has nothing to do with you.

Oh, that's why you don't like science. Because you're not in charge of it.

Because it's the atheist scientists, like Darwin, that brought all of the bad things into our world, like murder and rape and homosexuality and weed. Atheist scientists are also trying to suppress the truth about God and the Earth because they are aligned with Satan.

It's a world-wide century-spanning Godless scientific conspiracy.

And according to the Creationists, why does everyone in the world listen to Charles Darwin, anyway? He was just one guy who got stuck on an island with too many birds and was unable to understand that G.O.D. put a variety of species on this planet, including a variety of finches. Virtually everyone listens to Charlie boy because we are all immoral and barbaric and don't believe in dragons. What's so special about Darwin?

Yeah. Why would anyone base a major belief system off the teachings of one man?

They also have their facts all twisted and fucked. The theory of evolution did not originate with Darwin. He just gave proof. In fact, the theory itself has been around far longer than Christianity. Robert Chambers was far more controversial. He's the one who said we were monkeys. Lamarck came up with species transmutation. And that one Taoist Chinese guy who is not Lao Tse. He talked about it too. But his book is like, impossible to work through if you don't speak Chinese, and the translations are a little jarring. But still, that guy talked about it. Fucking Aristotle talked about it. Don't blame evolution on Darwin, crazy creationists.

It's so hard to take them seriously when they aren't taking themselves seriously.

But, sit on this: Dragons are real.

Living hidden dragons seemed like the most plausible of all the Creationist dogma.


Red said...

Seriously, Tobey Maguire deserves so much better than to be in the same sentence as Hayden Christiansen. (Probably Joshua Jackson, too. I don't know him from anything.) For that matter, so does Heath Ledger. I'm sorry he's dead 'cause he was so effing awesome as The Joker. The character didn't die and I don't know who wants to step into those shoes if there's another Batman movie. And there will be. There's _always_ another Batman movie.

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