So I'm sitting at my desk ransacking my ear with my pinky finger because I ran out of Q-tips four days ago.
Claire, the desk neighbor, quietly told me (she could have been yelling for all I know, because I can't hear a damn thing) that I should kick the habit. It's bad for your wealth, she says. I was like, no dude, Q-Tips are surprisingly inexpensive.
I was pretty sure she was full of crap, because I mean, Q-tips are extremely handy. And how else am I supposed to get this shit out of my ear? She mumbled something about "shoving it in deeper" and I glanced at her very wickedly and she rolled her eyes and said, "no, when you use that Q-tip you're just shoving the wax in deeper."
She has to be wrong. What if she's right? What if, for my whole life, I have been slowly layering wax over my ear drum with Q-tip masonry? What if it's a Q-tip conspiracy, and the Q-tip manufactering CEO's are wringing their hands in glory at the evil cotton-swabbed illusion they've conjured over the ears of the planet?
What if the absolute tip of each Q is implanted with a wispy microchip that latches onto our ear drum? And the further we push in that wax every morning, the further the chip travels into our sensorimotor cortex...oh my god. What if...what if...
What if the only reason I was able to uncover this truth was because I ran out of Q-tips and they no longer have control of my brain?
Every other Q-tip user should be warned of the industry's efforts to control our thoughts and motions.
Think: the microchips must have a life-limit, which is why they're replaced every day when Q-tip users clean their ears. And then their micropower runs out and they become a part of the ear gunk, and the vicious, evil evil evil cycle continues.
That can't be true. Q-tips are white and fluffy, like clouds and maltese puppies. They have to be good, because puppies are good.
Besides, I need Q-tips. I need them. My ears demand it.
But maybe, I mean, what if all of my actions are not my own because of the corporate giants of the Q-tip industry? What about yours?
What if Tribe Called Quest is in on it?
Time for some serious sleuthing.