Thursday, December 6, 2007

I am bad at networking.

I have issues with people who wear high boots and knee-length coats. They look like midgets in non-midget clothing, or ten-year olds playing dress up.

I'm sorry. Dwarves in non-dwarf clothing.

(Since when is dwarf less offensive than midget? Midgets don't have shaggy beards and battle axes and names like Gimli. That's what dwarves are for.)

Discovered that I am not good at business-networking happy hours. We're in the process of expanding our Auxiliary Board, so we got a bunch of local yuppies to meet at an expensive "Irish Pub" on Clark to consume Miller Lite and very un-Irishy finger foods. I'm sober and still not on the level with these guys. Here are some actual verbal exchanges:


RANDOM DUDE: So, what do you do?

ME: Kick ass at Flippy Cup.


RANDOM DUDER: You're a fan of college basketball, huh?

ME: What? Oh, God, no. I'm just feigning interest so I don't have to talk to some of the people here.


ME: Oh, not you. Unless you're boring. (I laugh. Awkward.) No, I'm just not good at small talk. So it probably would be good if I was into college basketball, so I wouldn't have to talk about my job or the weather or other bullshit things.

RANDOM DUDER: Why? What do you do for a living?

ME: I'm a professionalologist.

RANDOM DUDER: What's that?

ME: It's a very bad joke quote. Nevermind. It's from...ahh, fuck it. You ever see Run Ronnie Run?


ME: That's alright. Awkward. Nevermind. Subject change. I work for BSF.

RANDOM DUDER: Oh, so you're here for like work?

ME: I'm more here for the booze and Irish quesadillas.

RANDOM DUDER: (awkward) Yeah, right? I don't think the Irish made quesadillas.

ME: (in my asshole voice) Since when does a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

RANDOM DUDER: (laughing lightly and uncomfortably) Um, what?

ME: Nevermind. It's...nevermind. It's cool. I just...just...nevermind (apparently, my proclivity for conversation is limited to quotes from movies and cartoons about the grown-up children of superscientists)


ME: Yeeeeaaah.

RANDOM DUDER: Well, I'm gonna get another beer.

ME: Okey dokey. I'm gonna...yeah.


RANDOM DUDETTE: So is it a good game?

ME: I have no idea, but cable has waaaay better commercials than regular network.

RANDOM DUDETTE: I don't...know what you mean.

ME: I don't have cable.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh, my god, I can't live without it, why not?

ME: Can't afford it just yet.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Why not, what do you do?

ME: Watch network and cry myself to sleep at night.

RANDOM DUDETTE: (awkward laugh) No, I mean, where do you work?


RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh! That is so great! I almost went the non-profit route, too.

ME: Which route did you take?

RANDOM DUDETTE: I'm an Investment Analyst for Deloitte and Touche.

ME: Well...glad you're here now. You thinking about getting involved with the Auxiliary Board?

RANDOM DUDETTE: What's that?

ME: That's...that's what this whole happy hour party thing is for. To see if people want to get involved in the Auxiliary Board.

RANDOM DUDETTE: I thought it was for BSF.

ME: Yeah, the BSF Auxiliary Board.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh. So what do I have to do?

ME: Well, the board does some volunteering at schools, painting classrooms and mentoring and stuff like that, and we're also raising money for a scholarship fund. And there's a $50 annual membership fee that goes--

RANDOM DUDETTE: $50? That's kind of steep.

ME: Well, how much do you pay a month for cable?

RANDOM DUDETTE: You know, I'm going to get another beer. We'll talk later, okay?



ME: (scrambling over people and throwing elbows to get to the speakers) Are you guys talking about Rossi's?


ME: Dude, I love that place. Let's go. Let's go and play Nudey Touch. You guys ever play Nudey Touch?

OTHER PERSON 1: Um, no...

ME: You are completely missing out.

OTHER PERSON 2: What is it?

ME: You know those touch screen bar games? Nudey Touch is photo hunt, like where you look at two pictures and find where they're different, and with naked lay-days, or you can do hunks, but babes are way easier than hunks because hunks are always in front of cars and babes usually just have like different bangs or a different colored thong or a one-eyed Great Pyrenees.

OTHER PERSON 1: You really like this game, huh?

ME: Duh. It rules.

OTHER PERSON 1: Where is this at?

ME: Rossi's. I thought I overheard you say something about Rossi's.

OTHER PERSON 2: I don't think we mentioned it.

ME: You're kidding.

OTHER PERSON 2: You're probably just hearing things. Well, I'm going to get another beer, excuse me.

OTHER PERSON 1: Yeah, me too.

ME: H'Okay.

So, the moral of the story is this: I am bad at networking, and very good at getting people to drink faster and spend more money on beer. I'm annoying even when sober.

1 comment:

Trouble said...

Do you know what's really sad? I'm 42 and still have these kinds of conversations. I'd totally let you hang out and drink with me, and encourage me to drink more.