Seriously, look at those eyes. Fucking Aaron Burr. Who's more famous now, bitch?
OTHER BILLS WORTH DESCRIBING:
Ulysses S. Grant
Dude, you can just tell that back in the day Grant was a total metalhead. I bet that guy could party.
I really just feel bad insulting this man, because he's the type of person that's good to list as a real-life hero, despite the gout and illegitimate children. The man invented the catheter, for Chrissake. So instead we'll talk about how he looks like one of the faces that you eliminate in "Guess Who." Is it a man? Bald on top and party in the back? Does he have a double chin? Does he have glasses? (I mean, whatever, shut up...you know you think "bifocals" when you think of Ben Franklin.) Does he have a slight addiction to French prostitutes?
This, of course, is George. Don't be fooled by that stern face: if you were to look down at his waist, you'd see that he's got a pocket-full of horses and is probably fucking the shit out of a bear.*
What's that? You wanna see a picture of Hamilton again?
Swoon. Look at those sculpted eyebrows, that knowing smirk...Alexander Hamilton, you slay me.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Jesus, Ross, Hamilton looks like a prissy little bitch."
Nuh-uh, I say. I'll show you prissy little bitch:
Prissy little bitch.
This scary motherfucker is William McKinley. I always pictured him as a little weaselly Woody Allen-type, but this guy looks more like a hardcore backwoods lumberjack turned shaved axe-handle date rapist. Like what Ted Kaczynski would look like if he had beefed up and tried to assimilate into politics, walking to theme music that sounds like Nick Cave singing for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
Ironically, the dueling pistols that Aaron "D-Bag" Burr and Alexander "Sex Pants" Hamilton shot each other with are on display at a building in Manhattan named after this guy, who was named after fish hunting.
I really don't know anything about Woodrow Wilson, except that he looks like thin John Mahoney and made us join World War I. PS: How the fuck is he worth $100,000?
I'm sorry, what was that?
*I love that video. It was off Youtube for so long because of copyright issues, but thank goodness we can watch it again.