Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I need a real life crush ’cause I’m tired of staring at $10 bills.

Has anyone else ever noticed that of all the men on all the U.S. currency, Alexander fucking Hamilton is by far the finest?

Seriously, look at those eyes. Fucking Aaron Burr. Who's more famous now, bitch?



Ulysses S. Grant

Dude, you can just tell that back in the day Grant was a total metalhead. I bet that guy could party.


Ben Franklin

I really just feel bad insulting this man, because he's the type of person that's good to list as a real-life hero, despite the gout and illegitimate children. The man invented the catheter, for Chrissake. So instead we'll talk about how he looks like one of the faces that you eliminate in "Guess Who." Is it a man? Bald on top and party in the back? Does he have a double chin? Does he have glasses? (I mean, whatever, shut know you think "bifocals" when you think of Ben Franklin.) Does he have a slight addiction to French prostitutes?

George Washington

This, of course, is George. Don't be fooled by that stern face: if you were to look down at his waist, you'd see that he's got a pocket-full of horses and is probably fucking the shit out of a bear.*


What's that? You wanna see a picture of Hamilton again?

Swoon. Look at those sculpted eyebrows, that knowing smirk...Alexander Hamilton, you slay me.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Jesus, Ross, Hamilton looks like a prissy little bitch."

Nuh-uh, I say. I'll show you prissy little bitch:


James Madison

Prissy little bitch.


William McKinley

This scary motherfucker is William McKinley. I always pictured him as a little weaselly Woody Allen-type, but this guy looks more like a hardcore backwoods lumberjack turned shaved axe-handle date rapist. Like what Ted Kaczynski would look like if he had beefed up and tried to assimilate into politics, walking to theme music that sounds like Nick Cave singing for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.


Salmon Chase

Ironically, the dueling pistols that Aaron "D-Bag" Burr and Alexander "Sex Pants" Hamilton shot each other with are on display at a building in Manhattan named after this guy, who was named after fish hunting.


Woodrow Wilson

I really don't know anything about Woodrow Wilson, except that he looks like thin John Mahoney and made us join World War I. PS: How the fuck is he worth $100,000?

I'm sorry, what was that?


*I love that video.  It was off Youtube for so long because of copyright issues, but thank goodness we can watch it again.



Trouble said...

I just realized that my boyfriend looks ALOT like Alexander Hamilton, only without hair. Yes, he's got the monk-style tonsure look. But he's still HOT. For an old guy, anyway. ;)

Rassles said...

Okay, so I hope you don't mind if I fantasize about your boyfriend. Because it's going to happen.

MoLinder said...

this is my favorite blog ever!

Red said...

When I took American History in
HS, I was more a fan of Jefferson than Hamilton, that is until we watched a movie where the actor who played Hamilton was a hottie and the guy playing Jefferson just wasn't so much. I've been a Hamilton fan ever since. Glad to know it has basis in reality.

Ranting Raconteure said...

So Formerly Fun told me that I should check out your site because I remind her of you.

I decided to go back to the beginning and I happened upon this post.

All I have to say is . . .NO FUCKING WAY. I have had a crush on Alexander Hamilton for . . .awhile now.

I am freaked out. I'm gonna read some more of your blog in the next couple of days. Expect lots of comments. :)

Mahjong said...

The topic which you chosen for discussion is really very good....Thanks.

Dean said...

What a great post! The "you slay me" comment made me laugh our loud... Funny stuff.

I haven't been around these parts in about a year. Its nice to see you still doing your thing.