Monday, January 2, 2006

Nuthin' But a Brokeback Gangsta Pa-ar-tay.

Dude, New Years...

Muffy and I went to a few bars, and then we unknowingly attended a Homosexual Puerto Rican Gangsta Partay. I am not embelishing in any way.

One guy started talking to me. Conversation began with getting-to-know-you small talk about ancestry, Puerto Ricans, and why Chicago Peurto Ricans were unfocused because the Latin Kings don't have anymore economic guidelines like they did when he was a member. It then turned to his children.


He said,
and I paraphrase, "So my son just turned 12, my other son turned 10, my last son turned 8, and my daughter just turned 6. And guess what? Their birthdays are December 16, 17, 18, and 19th."

He then took a dramatic pause.


"You know what that means?"


I shook my head, dumbfounded.


"I can only get bitches pregnant in March."


Pause.


"But that don't matter no more. Cuz now I lay off the bitches."


I checked my surroundings. There was certainly a disproportionate amount of guys. I mean, there were like, three girls, and one of them was, I'm sure, a very pretty, giant, slender, slip of a drag queen with fake boobs and obscenely long limbs. Like a flattened, cross-dressing Reed Richards.


Then I paid more attention. Oh. OH. Those guys are making out. I did not know that gay men wore oversized black jeans and gold teeth, but hey. Learn something new every year.


Good new year. Must eat more fruit, watch more movies, and lower my alcohol tolerance. because my bad habits are getting more and more expensive. You know you're in trouble when you think in terms of PBR units. For example:


How many units of PBR can I drink to make The Brother's Grimm more interesting?


How many units of PBR can I drink in one viewing of The Brother's Grimm?


How many units of PBR would it take to make Heath Ledger make out with Matt Damon a la Jake Gyllenhaal?


How many units of PBR would it take to make Heath Ledger make out with
me?

How many units of PBR would it take to make Heath Ledger forget that he willingly made Ned Kelly?


And other things of this nature. Grimm-related questions: why is Heath sh-talking like Sean Connery and twitching like Johnny Depp? Exactly how large are Matt Damon's teeth? Why do Terry Gilliam movies frequently make me seasick, what with all the bouncing and the squeaming and the rolling? Who is that girl with the gargantuan lips who wishes she was Keira Knightley (who in turn wishes she was Winona Ryder/Natalie Portman)?


It's really a quite difficult movie to watch.


...

3 comments:

pistols at dawn said...

People should get a medal for sitting through that movie. Sure, the medal would say "Dumbass for thinking this was worth sitting through," but it'd be a medal nonetheless.

Rassles said...

And it's like, you want it to be good, because of Brazil. But you can't expect too much, because of Time Bandits. So you watch it. And after every scene, you think, "I do not want to watch this movie at all. I should just turn it off. But...what if it gets better? Maybe the next scene will be good. This time it will get better."

It never does.

pistols at dawn said...

I think the first two sentences sum up every Terry Gilliam experience ever. Well accomplished.

And you know, they were shooting that masterpiece the summer we (apparently) we in Prague. I saw it in the theater, so there were no chances to turn it off, only decisions with friends about which movie to sneak into next, because Hollywood owed us another movie on the house.