Monday, May 7, 2007

Paper clips don't work on hair.

Well.

Pub Chugga Chugga Choo Choo 3 was a huge success until about eleven at night (after eleven and a half hours of serious bar hopping) when it turned into Spring Break Train Wreck 2007 (re: Ross takes care of other Chuggers for several hours and yells a lot.)

Miles Long, the ancient Irish barman magician, had a great quote: "Shannon, I got a new waterbed. It ain't cheatin' if ye don't move."

This time around, Miles pulled a gerbil out of Bobbay's shirt, made a match piss on her hand (please don't ask me to explain that one, it was crazy), shot ice cubes out of his pants at Schmee, vanished about five cigarettes which kept on reappearing inside random bottles of beer, and pounded out cheesey Irish one-liners like a bad vaudeville comic. Glorious.

But that's not what this blog is about.

Cut off all of my hair on Saturday morning. Thirteen inches for Locks for Love. Gone. I love the hairstyle with the exception of the flippy-do's, which are not supposed to happen with this style, however my hair seems to disagree. But they're lame. When there's no flippage, my entire head dominates. But as of right now, every time I see my silhouette I want to punch myself and throw a heavy stapler at my foot.

I tried pinning them back with paper clips and scotch tape, because that's really all I have to work with in this office.

Lesson of the day: Paper clips don't work on hair*.

I understand that some people think having their hair flip out at the sides is stylish and attractive, but what they don't know is that they look like assholes. Just because a magazine says it looks good does not mean that you don't look like you have bubblegum stuck in your hair, or that it was styled by a sticky-handed pre-schooler who just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some applesauce and used your hair as a napkin.

I feel the same way about pointy shoes. Everyone in pointy shoes looks a little clownish and a little bit evil-er than they otherwise would. Not in maniacal villain kind of way, but like "I will easily vanquish you and your evil pointy shoes" kind of way. More of a "you just wait til I get my round steel-toed boots and then we'll see who's evil" kind of way, or a sacharrine, passive-aggressive "someday that bitch will make me snap" kind of way. Not like Lord Voldemort, and more like Dolores Jane Umbridge.

*Scotch tape is not much better.
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