Tuesday, June 6, 2006


Vegas Top Ten:

  1. The giant daiquiri is fucking worth it.
  2. If you're gonna play the slots, do not choose the super-shiny gold ten-dollar-minimum "pluck my cherry" one in the high roller room at the Flamingo. Several hundred alcohol units does not make it your lucky night. You'll only get to pull the lever once.
  3. Piano bars live off of Bon Jovi and Journey, so no matter how much money you fucking give them, they will NOT improvise the dueling banjos for you, or play "I Want To Know What Love Is."
  4. Yelling does not improve your chances. At anything.
  5. $40 can give you six hours of blackjack, as long as Frankie is dealing. If it's Lyonna, fucking run away. That bitch sucks.
  6. Once you situate yourself at a table, immediately give the waitress twenty dollars. She won't even ask if you need a beer, she'll just give you one every single time she walks by. Beer and long islands.
  7. The Star Trek Borg monorail car is the BEST, because instead of generic voice guy happily telling you the arrival stops, it's the angry Borg clan and Barry Manilow. So you hear this: "YOU HAVE JUST REACHED THE LAS VEGAS CONVENTION CENTER. WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL ASSIMILATE INTO OUR WAY OF LIFE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. Hi. I'm Barry Manilow. Come see me at the Mirage blah blah blah."
  8. The second best monorail car is the Monster Energy drink one, because you get to watch a video of professional skateboarders saying assinine things like, "While you're going for a ride on the Monorail, I'm gonna take a ride on that handrail over there. And afterwards, I'm gonna grab myself a Monster Energy Drink."
  9. The malls have canals, ceilings that are painted to look like the afternoon sky, giant replicas of famous italian sculptures, moving statues, and stores specializing in the most expensive and lavish brand names available with indoor storefronts that echo the streets of Venice and Paris. And you can smoke there without getting in trouble.
  10. It is perfectly acceptable and legal to stumble down the Strip and back to your hotel at 3 am, clutching and swigging a forty of Old English. Not that I did that or anything. It was Coors, and it was at 5 pm.
  11. The Thunder from Down under is worth every penny. And the answer to the question on your mind is this: YES. They dance to Thunderstruck. It's very appropriate.

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