Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Verbal Crappage.

Last night at Nick's Tavern a bald guy struggled over to our table and slurred up a noncoherent conversation about his wedding, which is taking place on Friday in the Virgin Islands. Last night was kind of his bachelor party, except this was his third marriage and he had just two friends with him. They were basically all kinds of fucked up.

One of these older gentleman told me I was attractive. I said, "I know." Do I really know? No. It's just what I say.

It seemed harmless and at first. I just kept on shaking my head and smiling while he gave me about three semi-offensive compliments. I should have just cut him off immediately, because after I just let him keep talking he just shat out this mountainous pile of verbal crappage. The following, of course, is that conversation, paraphrased, except the most shocking lines are definitely his exact words because I don't think I will ever get them out of my head.

I have this wedding to go to on Friday because he's my best friend, except I'm not invited. Small beach wedding, he says. Bullshit, I say. But if I was going to the wedding I would need a date, and I would want it to be you because you're very attractive.

Thank you. I know.

And you're probably going to tell me you're a lesbian or something, and that one of these ladies is your girlfriend, and that's fine, but I just cannot stop staring at your tits right now.

They are quite large sometimes.
(Of course, I'm not really attractive, I just have big breasts. I fold my arms over my chest)

Eyes up, buddy.

I'd rather look at your smile.

You got a big one of those too, your smile. But I just keep staring at your tits.
You're gonna have to stop then, okay?
(trying to be as polite as I can without being mean.)

(takes my hand from across the table)It's just that I know that you're very attractive and probably a lesbian, but I just wanted to let you know that if you want, I'd like to make out with you a little. And if you want I'll lick your vagina. I'm just saying.
(I pull my hand away and laugh at him)
I know you won't let me stick it in you since you're a lesbian and all, but I just want to let you know that I'm open to this, if you are. Just for like fifteen minutes. In the back. Right now.

Dude, prolly not.

I know, it's because you don't like guys, I understand. But see, thing is, (tries to fucking hold my goddamn hand again) I'm a giver, and I really really really think I could give it to you. Really. Even if I'm just giving you head. Fifteen minutes.

That's not the point, and you're making me uncomfortable. So we should probably just end this conversation.

And you know, if you need it, I have a friend, she likes women and men, so maybe the three of us, could, you know, fool around. We've done it before. I know you'll like her. I think she's your type. Lesbians are easy. You chicks always wanna get on each other.

First of all, not a lesbian. Second of all, you just insulted every lesbian. Ever. No, Who the fuck am I kidding? You just insulted like, every female ever. Did you honestly think that would work? Please just do yourself a favor and walk away from the table, okay?

It's okay, I understand, you're a lesbian, that's fine. And you're probably gonna try to kick my ass, because that's what lesbians do.

Honestly, you need to just shut the fuck up and walk away. Now.
(he walks away and goes over to the bar. Comes back like five minutes later and puts his arm around my shoulders and tries to start talking again.)

Are you fucking kidding me? Walk away. NOW.
(walks away. Comes back like thirty seconds later)

Now the thing is—

No. Get away from the table. We don't want to talk to you. LEAVE.

Ok, ok, ok. If that's what you want.

That's what I want. GO. NOW.

He walked away, tried to turn back. Then the bouncer came over and made them leave. At least we avoided a throw down, because M.E. was like seconds away from cracking skulls.

I'm sick of the crazies talking to me.


derfina said...

ROFL-I love it. They are quite large SOMETIMES!!

paperback reader said...

Well, there go all my best lines. I love the fact that his definition of "lesbian" means "into all chicks and drunken dudes who will go down on them behind a bar in an alley somewhere."

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe the words that came out of his mouth. Well, maybe I can but HOLY SHIT what a creepface.

Fucking funny so thanks for reliving those moments for our benefit.

Rassles said...

Derfina: Yeah, okay. Always.

Pistols: Oddly, I have friends that are exactly that type of lesbian.

Sass: Someday, I will relive more ridiculous things for your benefit. I got stories on backlog.