Thursday, July 31, 2008

All Babies Speak Chinese

Fear, for me, is mostly completely irrational. My fears are never tangible, like spiders, or serial killer rapists lurking in alleyways. That kind of fear usually never crosses my mind. I'm afraid of living paycheck to paycheck, I'm afraid of being single forever, and sometimes I'm afraid of the guy from Lost Highway.

But I am terrified of babies.

And I strongly dislike that fear. Even moreso, I strongly dislike it when I find a good one and go, "Hey, puppy," and the mother's eyes go all freeze ray, like the one I just ran into outside.

"My child is not a dog," she growls. Well, that's surprising, 'cause you're a bitch. Why do shitty moms get all the good babies?

It's a consistent dilemma which I gripe about constantly, and you'd think I'd learn to stop calling those infants "puppies" but come on, puppies are fucking cute. How do you get cuter than puppies? I just paid you the highest compliment I am capable of.

The fear doesn't come from fear of children or motherhood. They're just all simultaneously soft and utterly breakable, and they all look like Precious Moments statues, and those are really creepy. Once they hit two or three, I love the childers. We're bestest friends.

But babies...I can't read them. I'm not their mother. I can't tell how they're feeling, what they're going to be like in a year, what their favorite color is, what kind of friends they have. I look at babies and they're all Chinese, and that's a language that I'm totally unfamiliar with, by sound and by the inspiration behind communication. How do you respond other than uncomfortably smiling?

That's not what makes those little bastards so scary.

They know I'm uncomfortable. I have no idea what they're thinking, get the willies, and they know exactly how I'm feeling, and then tell me so by wailing, and then I feel fucking worthless. They're smarter than I am, and I can't tell how, because they're speaking in goddamn Chinese.

Not that the Chinese are scary.

Maybe I should have used aliens.



Gypsy said...

I call all dogs "poo." I'm not really sure why.

But babies are totally terrifying.

formerly fun said...

You can call my baby puppy anytime, around here we usually call her bad baby and stupid baby, but not to her face. We call her stupid baby as in,"god I wish we could go to the movies, but we can't, stupid baby."

Rassles said...

Gypsy: I have a friend who named her dog "La Poo." She screams his name incessantly whenever she's sees him. It's ridiculous. Glad you're with me on the babies thing.

FF: seriously, stupid baby.

Anonymous said...

I know a toddler (my husband's nephew), who is taken care of every day by a woman who only speaks Chinese. And so I never know if he actually IS speaking Chinese, or he's just not that well-spoken. My own toddler has no such Chinese influence in her life. And therefore no excuses. Stupid baby.

Bluestreak said...

babies too, unless I´m related to them. I feel like they look at me and have some kind of collective consciousness with humanity or other children or something and are trying to convince me I need to have one of them. It´s spooky as hell.

oh my god I am cracking up about the stupid baby comment.

Mister Crowley said...

First babies....dude!

(Puppy POWER)

Rassles said...

I'm of the age, man.

Fucking babies are fucking stupid, and I just know eventually my friends are going to be this huge conglomerate of baby-makers. They should start a factory and sell them on the black market, or Ebay.

Got a little carried away there. Sor.

Rassles said...

Would you rather kick a puppy, or make a baby cry?

Intoxikatie said...

vee and i call each other puppy all the time. we even have a "chubby puppy" dance.

we_be_toys said...

I have two kids, and you can call them puppies anytime you want!
Babies scare the living hell out of me - especially the really little ones. I'm always afraid I'm going to drop them, or with the preemies, that they'll float right out of my hands. Rational, no? Thankfully, I had large babies and a lot of back up - my best friend loves babies, the freak!

PS - Saw you over at Gypsy's - Hi!

Mister Crowley said...

Or possibly on eBayBee...hurghhurhg

Rassles said...

toys: are your kids over three feet tall? because then they become ponies.

Mr. C: I need a good nickname for you. I'm debating between Mr. C, Crow, Mr., Crowley...I don't know. I think I'm going to stick with Crow.


Crow: So on Ebaybee's Advanced Search options can we browse for babies based on color and parental IQ?

Trouble said...

The only babies I've ever liked are my own spawn. I was terrified, as a mom, that I would react the same way to my own babies that I've historically reacted to other people's babies. To my great relief, I loved them automatically. Thank Jeebus for that lovely cocktail of female hormones he brews up right after labor & delivery. it's a lifesaver.