Fear, for me, is mostly completely irrational. My fears are never tangible, like spiders, or serial killer rapists lurking in alleyways. That kind of fear usually never crosses my mind. I'm afraid of living paycheck to paycheck, I'm afraid of being single forever, and sometimes I'm afraid of the guy from Lost Highway.
But I am terrified of babies.
And I strongly dislike that fear. Even moreso, I strongly dislike it when I find a good one and go, "Hey, puppy," and the mother's eyes go all freeze ray, like the one I just ran into outside.
"My child is not a dog," she growls. Well, that's surprising, 'cause you're a bitch. Why do shitty moms get all the good babies?
It's a consistent dilemma which I gripe about constantly, and you'd think I'd learn to stop calling those infants "puppies" but come on, puppies are fucking cute. How do you get cuter than puppies? I just paid you the highest compliment I am capable of.
The fear doesn't come from fear of children or motherhood. They're just all simultaneously soft and utterly breakable, and they all look like Precious Moments statues, and those are really creepy. Once they hit two or three, I love the childers. We're bestest friends.
But babies...I can't read them. I'm not their mother. I can't tell how they're feeling, what they're going to be like in a year, what their favorite color is, what kind of friends they have. I look at babies and they're all Chinese, and that's a language that I'm totally unfamiliar with, by sound and by the inspiration behind communication. How do you respond other than uncomfortably smiling?
That's not what makes those little bastards so scary.
They know I'm uncomfortable. I have no idea what they're thinking, get the willies, and they know exactly how I'm feeling, and then tell me so by wailing, and then I feel fucking worthless. They're smarter than I am, and I can't tell how, because they're speaking in goddamn Chinese.
Not that the Chinese are scary.
Maybe I should have used aliens.