When I was little, I hated The Neverending Story. Fuckers killed Artax, like the gutless horse-butcher-ers they are, and I cried for days and swore to boycott for ten years. If Atreyu really cared he would have tried harder.
See, yesterday we were watching Troll on VHS with the asinine, optimistic mindset that it would be some fantastic horror movie instead of a weak ass fantasy with Sonny Bono and Julia Louis Dreyfuss. It was very upsetting.
Until we started to pay attention.
Troll is about Harry Potter Jr. (booyah), a young boy who must battle Turok the Evil Troll King to regain controll over his family's apartment complex in San Francisco, which has been turned into a magical pod forest by a tiny man shaped like his little sister. His father, Harry Potter Sr. (played groovily by Law and Order's first answer to Harvey Dent) enjoys dancing to 80's thrash metal versions of "Summertime Blues" in his pleated khakis, his mother has the hots for him, and his sister is a scary little troll.
We're happily watching a potted mushroom wail a little happy ditty when Phil, being an observant fuck, exclaims, "I know who that is. It's friggin' Atreyu."
"Atreyu? Hell fucking no. Harry Potter Jr. is the shit, and Atreyu is a whiny little wimp. He let Artax die in the Swamp of Sadness." My brain adds, and Harry Potter Jr. is totally going to grow up hot. I cross my arms, immediately bitter and no longer fascinated by anything on the screen.
Tokyo agrees with Phil. Figures. "No, it's totally fucking him."
"Fine." I stomp over to the computer and IMDB the crap outta Troll. Sho 'nuf, Harry Potter Jr. and Atreyu are one and the same. I am horrorstruck, but warm from drinking lots of wine.
After googling my way through Noah Hathaway pictures, I notice two very important things:
1. Current Atreyu looks like a cross between Seth Green and Keanu Reeves, and I think the three of them need to make a movie where they play brothers and don't goddamn kill any horses.
2. Next summer, a remake of Troll will be released, and Noah Hathaway will be playing Turok the Evil Troll King. I'm gunning for Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter Jr.
It's been sixteen years now, and I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally capable enough to manage the death of a fictional horse in a Jim Henson movie.
So wish me luck. Tonight, for the second time in my life, I will be watching The Neverending Story.