Monday, July 7, 2008

Tarot and interdimensional travel.

So Renaissance Fair was inescapably ridiculous.

Yeah, I went to Renfair with Phil and Tokyo. I know I'm going to get some mockin' and dealin' (cause I am most ill and I'm rhymin' and stealin') but seriously, shut up. Ya'll got nothin, and sometimes I'm bored.

Sometimes I just want to get drunk and make fun of people.

But the best part about it was not people watching all of the fairies and knights and beer wenches, although beer is good and outfits are hilarious. It was just neat that they all came together, behaved however they wanted, and it was fun. Just a positive atmosphere.

All that mattered was that everyone had a good time and I had lots of booze. I know I would never get all dressied up in Renaissance garb.

Yeah, I know. I am lame. But seeing people the way they want to be seen is somehow refreshing. And of course, fucking ridiculous (never going again, unless prompted by free alcohol the promise of a free ride and hilarity).

I discovered several things at Renfair:

1. I am awesome at throwing battle axes, and not so good at knives.
2. Mead is only delicious when hot and from Gold Star. Renfair mead can suck an elf.
3. The louder you are, the funner the Mud Show.
4. Firewhips are the shit.
5. Tarot readings are capable of existing in one of the following two planes of correctness:
(a) They are accurate, insightful, eerie looks into the nature of the client
(b) They are scheming, thieving plots to take advantage of gullible and/or drunken patrons

Being the kind of person that only makes sensible decisions, I resolved to get a Tarot reading, for reasons ternary: Drunk, never done it before, why the fuck not?

Dropped twenty for this reading. Totally worth it. I do not believe in it...the most wonderful part about the entire thing was the it was explicitly obvious that Lady Caitlyn believed everything she said about me. She was actually extremely excited I was there. It was fucked up.

Here's the gist:

First off, we introduce ourselves and right off the bat, she was all, "Oh, this is going to be fun. You have very psychic tendencies."


She goes on to talk about the history of the giant ass cards she's using, how this reading is going to cover the next year of my life, and the relevance of the Tarot spread she's giving me as she shuffles the cards.

She says I can shuffle them if i want. I do, and she's very impressed at my ability to make a kick ass bridge, and she tells me to hold the deck, close my eyes, and clear my mind. So I do what I always do when it's time to clear my mind and focus on singing Jingle Bells in my head. Don't ask me why, shit just works. Then I cut the deck into three piles.

Lady C gives me an seven card set-up. First card is neatly and quietly turned over. At the bottom it says Indolence. Apparently, I think I am much lazier than I actually am. Slow down, stop trying to put so much into my life, take more time for me, because it's okay. Then something about water. I need to leave some things behind and focus more on me rather than the people and situations around me. Bullshit.

Next card was Art...that was just downright eerie. Basically, she said: "This card is sometimes called Temperance. You are a constant agent between two sides, inside of yourself and outside. You automatically mediate relationships with your friends and family and situations you are in, and see connections and balance in conditions that aren't obvious to others."

Sidenote: I feel like the whole "connection" thing is just something everyone automatically does, and is not something unique to me. But judging by my last few blogs, you know...that's just weird.

So then, Lady C smiles very girlishly and says, "This is very, exciting, isn't it?" She peeks under the next card, looks at me and smiles again, and flips it over. "You are much more important than you think. To everyone. To your friends, your family, your work, and" (well) "the world."

I scoff.

"You really are. Until you accept your importance, you won't reach your purpose. But it's obvious, especially with the previous two cards, and now the High are a messenger."

I'm all, "Okay."

"But you have to accept that role, because it's who you are. You cannot shun your nature." She goes on to talk about how one of the reasons my role as a mediator can be so successful is because of my ability to tell what people are thinking.

(Life would be so much neater if that were true.)

She's all sorts of worked up at this point, like she's really enthusiastic about reading for me. She holds up the next card in her left hand, glances sideways at it, grins all toothily and snaps the card back down on the pile. "You're going to fall in love."

So I start laughing, and shake my head, because really, how fucking ridiculous is that?

She's still smiling. "You've never been in love before, and this is going to be big for you. And you have to do it. Ross--please pay attention. I know you're skeptical, but you have to do this, and just let go. It's imperative for you to grow. But you have to let him in. Do not be afraid of being vulnerable."

I am like, cracking up inside, and take several sips (liar) I down my beer.

"Are you ready?"

My beer is gone. "Go ahead, man."

"Now this is rare...this is the Wish card." (to me, it looks like nine cups and says Happiness) "For awhile, your desires will come true. You can make them happen, but you must be specific in your requests. You can shift your world in your direction, but you have to want it, and you cannot be afraid to ask."

Goody. I win.

She's a little confused looking as she flips over the next card, and nods. It's the Moon. "You dream very vividly and intensely."

Now this is fun. "Well, yeah."

"You're able to open your mind to psychic possibilities very easily, and you should learn how to use it. Some believe that when we dream, we travel to other dimensions. You've already done this once today."

(Remember the time when I ate a fucking SUN?)

"When I asked you to clear your mind, you did it without effort. Nearly immediately. When we're free from thought, we're free to roam between dimensions. I sense you do this quite often."

I'm thinking, what, like space out?

Then I spaced out a little and took the time to memorize the exact positioning of cards and what was on them, and I totally don't remember the next thing she said.

She's pointing to the Indolence card and the Moon, and she says, "There will be a significant shift in your home, but in a good way, one that makes you more comfortable. Are you moving? Perhaps you are just redecorating in a way that suits your personal style and makes your home more your own. Even rearranging furniture, or having a yard sale and losing major pieces of decoration. Or painting the walls. But we know that this will be good for you," she points to Happiness, "Because it will allow you to blossom into who you're supposed to be."

Last card: Empress. Lady C smiles. "You will receive a message from a maternal figure in your life...mother, grandmother, aunt...she could be here with us or in the Heavenly Realm. Perhaps she will visit you in a dream. Either way, she will speak to you. The relevance of the message is up to you."

Then she launches into this fast-talking spiel about how I need to explore my psychic abilities, and how she's not sure how I would fare in a spiritual realm, but I'm very sensitive to earthly vibes or something. If I want to try a more ethereal approach to my gift, I could, because I could possibly do well, but my strength lies in reading people and relationships.

And don't forget the badassery of interdimensional travel, bitches. How cool would that be? I'm going to fucking Middle Earth, or the Marvel Universe, or some other one that we've never even heard of.

With my brain.

She stops for a breath, still smiling. "Can I ask you? When is your birthday?"

"January 6th."

"Really? You have the emotions and intuition of a water sign. But I guess that explains your skepticism. You're very cautious about your own feelings and how others perceive you."

True, true.

"Well, thanks for the reading, and it was nice meeting you. This was fun."

"The pleasure was all mine, Ross. Don't forget your importance. They need you."

I laugh. I am drunk. "I won't." Now that I'm thinking about all the cards, I'm surprised I didn't get one card that's associated with the masculine. It was all chalices and the moon and priestesses and shit. Anyway. I turn to go.

"Oh, and Ross?"


"Have fun falling in love."




Anonymous said...

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW! rossi's gonna fall in LOVE.

maybe she meant you'll get a puppy? is that less scary for you? ;)

Rassles said...

Puppies are definitely less scary.

She could have told me I was going to be struck by lightening while pulling migrant children across the Caribbean and I would be less shocked than when she said "love."

Bimbo Baggins said...

I think in order for you to realize your "importance" you need to utter the following phrase, 3 times per day: I'm kind of a big deal.

Get a shirt that says that if it helps!

Mister Crowley said...

Good at throwing battle-axes? What're you, some kinda dwarf?? Rassles Stronginthearm??

Rassles said...

Dude, seriously, for three dollars they let you throw five fifteen pound battle axes at a wooden target. It's amazing. They were so impressed that I could do it they kept on handing me extra axes.

Or my name could be, like, Hurlaxles.

Gypsy said...

I kind of love Rennfairs. A lot. Shun me.