Monday, August 18, 2008

Sports That Are Way Cooler Than The Olympics

The Olympics are completely overrated. I'm bored with them. Of course, I'm also not watching them, so basically I'm bored just thinking about the fact that they even exist, but at least letting them piss me off gives me some shit to think about other than US vs. Russia vs. China.

Olympic installations that I would pay attention to:

1. Underhand only. Inside lines are out, outside lines are in, no blood on a serve. Know'em sayin'.

2. The real question in professional Rochambeau is unrelated to strategic gambits and recognizing your opponent's tells. What I want to know is, how did the World RPS Society reach the decision to an official prime-shoot count off? Seriously, I'm a much bigger fan of the European prime, the three-prime shoot, the good old, "One, two, three, shoot." The North American two-prime shoot always fucks me up, and I'll unintentionally throw a Forced Rock, which is bullshit. But it's not that bad when I'm applying the Fistful O' Dollars, which is by far and away my favorite offensive maneuver, and not just because of Clint Eastwood's peerless command of the poncho, but because it's so wonderfully passive aggressive.

Dammit, I shouldn't have let that slip. I hope the next person I play in Rock Paper Scissors doesn't read my blog.

3. Dodgeball. And not just because of the movie.

4. I was all set to add trampolining to the list, and then I learned that Olympics up and did that shit already. So...yeah, buddy.

5. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Which will, of course, be individually patriotically painted.

6. I've never been zorbing, but I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be a hamster for a day. And now, for just the mere price of a flight to New Zealand, I too can be a Zorbonaut.

7. Finally, the most exciting extreme sport I have ever seen in my life. Welcome to Glouchestershire, home of Cheese Rolling. Chase a rolling block of cheese down a large ass hill. Win: block of the finest Glouchestershire cheese. Place: ten British pounds. Show: five pounds.

Definitely worth the sustained injuries.

Of course, ideally these sports should never be in the Olympics, because then everyone would know about them and it would take all of the fun out of it. The next thing you know, it'll be all, "Olympic Cheese Rolling, brought to you by Foot Locker. And, for when you've lost your ability to feel shame, Feckin Whiskey," and all sorts of other imbecilic attempts to bring the media hype into ancient drunken traditions.

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8 comments:

mistercrowley said...

How about....bungee jumping off a 70-floor building, and trying to hit as may cut outs of Hans Guber and John McLane (in the nuts i.e.) with a peashooter on the way down...

Bluestreak said...

How about coin tossing? or speed reading? Watching those activities would be about as much fun as watching the Olympics.

Formerly Fun said...

Those are Olympics I would actually watch. I also think that more competitions should be 'to the death', then we would actually understand why the athletes got all worked up or a little unsportsmanlike. I actually think I would rather watch the special olympics than the traditional olympics. The athletic conduct is better and I seriously don't think doping is an issue, at least I hope not, that would seriously erode my faith in humanity.

Rassles said...

Olympic Thunderdome, bitches.

See, with minds like ours we could shatter and rebuild the entire image of the Olympics into whatever we fucking want. We god Spain, India, and the U.S. on board already.

prayingtodarwin said...

Full Body Contact Musical Chairs. At least, that will always be the dream.

BTW, we settle every major decision with Rock Paper Scissors. I'm quite serious. Baby #2? I threw rock, he threw scissors.

Rassles said...

I am so jealous of you for that.

The biggest decision I ever made with Rock Paper Scissors was over whether or not I should quit grad school, and I played against my left hand.

Threw Ol' Lefty the Avalanche just to show her I meant business, and quit grad school two days later.

I always win.

floridagirlinsydney said...

I can only imagine the opening ceremonies for those Olympics.

Rassles said...

Florida: OH MY GOD. I completely forgot about the opening ceremonies. You are a genius. Because the goal, of course, would be to make people cry.

You know what would make me cry? Watching Mohammad Ali play Rock, Paper, Scissors.

And I mean that with as much respect as possible to the winner of the Thrilla in Manila.