Monday, October 6, 2008

NKOTB Ain't Nothin' To Fuck With

If I was the type of person who climbed trees (I am), and if I was the type of person to rape myself of any street cred by making reckless, self-implicating remarks about things that I think are cool (Yahweh), then I'm just gonna go out on a limb and fucking say it.

New Kids On The Block was one of the best concerts of my life.

I haven't powered through so many emotions since, you know, the last wedding.

Saturday night. It was like:

Whoa there, okay, look at my knees. Stop bouncing. You look like you gotta piss.

Are they coming out over there? Side entrance? Walking down makeshift stairs? Rising out of the stage? Swooping down on ziplines? Is it gonna be like, pitch black, and then smoke, and then spotlight, and "step by step"- pause. Blackness. Scream. "Oooooh, baby." Screams. A flash black and white photo on a big screen. More screams. Estrogen flying around in swarms of lust. "Gonna get to you ya gir-ir-ir-ir-irl" SCREAM because that would KICK ASS. Thank god I have armrests.

I wish I had beer. Beer would make this way cooler. I cannot believe I am here right now. I can't wait to have ironic conversations about this. Everyone is going to be sooooo jealous, haha. Free ticket to NKOTB? Fuck yeah, bitches. And I never even owned an album. Suckahs.

God, fucking lame. Where the fuck are they? Where's Donnie? Will he be wearing a gratuitous rattail, because that might make me love him...Where are they-oh. Oh. Oh. Oh-oh-oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmygod. OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD -- "I LOVE YOU DONNIE!" When you wake up in the morning, do you see my face, boy? (Because I would be okay with that.)

I turn to look at Emi "Are you fucking kidding me? I did not realize I was going to be this excited."

"I know, me too! Ahhhhh! JOOORRRDAAAN!"

Pah. A Jordan fan. What does she know.

And then we each grabbed the other's arms, jumped, and screamed. The uncontrollable giggling began, and that begat the uncontrollable laughter, which begat the uncontrollable tears, which begat the sinking embarassment, and I could not stop laughing. And it's all, I LOVE YOU DONNIE, even with your sparkly pants. I thought I was cooler than this, but nope, nope...I'm a hopeless, giggly girl just like all the others.

So there's singing, and lame dancing, and winking, and they're all nearly forty and it's just ridiculous that they're up there singing, "Don't you know you're my kind, you're just what I like. Girl, you're everything, don't you know you're alright" and there's recently divorced Donnie Fucking Wahlberg, former Lt. Lipton, standing there, wearing a fucking bedazzled Wu Tang t-shirt, slinging a guitar across his back after ripping the two short, sweet chords before Cover Girl.

That wasn't even a sentence, but there's no time for harping on shit like that right now.

"Is Donnie seriously wearing a glittery Wu Tang shirt?"

"No. There's no way."


Emi strains her neck for a closer look. "I think--I think it is. Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Oh my god, he just got so much hotter." My hands form a megaphone. "WU TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH."

Stupid bitches in front of me are glaring back at me, scoffing, and I'm thinking, "hey, you, get off my cloud, you don't know me and you don't know my style." (In fact I snap back like a rub-ber BAND.)

So yeah. Here's the list on how they're shaping up:

1. Joey McIntyre is definitely crazy. Like, Brook Shields, Barry Gibb crazy.

2. Jon bent himself in half and shook his ass at the camera, because apparently he's shy.

3. Danny looks like Ben Stiller's ugly brother, but he can break dance.

4. Jordan is this annoying hybrid of high-voiced bastard and chiseled-ab Cupid-Man that belongs on the cover of a steamy, spine-creased novel. I mean, if I were to write one, I'd call it, Jordan Knight in Shining Armor, Or Billowy Silk Shirts That Tactically Rip Open With the Slightest Man-Powered Breeze. He sang "Give It To You" and I thought Emi was going to give up dating chicks, jump the balcony and stomp across the heads of the fans on the floor just to fuck him right there on the stage.

5. Donnie Wahlberg is a total douchebag. But a hot one, with a hot brother, and they can come over any time. I think I'll invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Is it odd how I am way more into NKOTB right now than I ever was before? And not just ironically?

Even though I heard, "Chi-CAAAAAAGOOOOOO. Make some NOOO--YOOOOYYZE" over and over again, is it bad that I lamely responded in kind by yelling my fucking head off, because I'm susceptible to peer pressure? I mean, seriously, Donnie? Did you just ask me to wave my hands in the air? And wave 'em like I just don't care? (Cuz Fred and Mowava and the Mousketeers say we're gonna rock right here?)

Are you really that retarded?

(I love you.)

Are they really doing this? Oh my god, they're serious. They are taking this shit seriously.

New Kids on the Block ain't nothin' to fuck with.

But, you know, Donnie? He can put on a show. And not gonna lie, I'm probably going to be watching Band of Brothers sometime soon, since I haven't seen it in seven years, and then I can get my dose of Donnie.

I've never laughed so hard in my life. So thank you, New Kids, for reuniting. Thank you, Emi, for the free ticket. And finally, thank you, God, for keeping Donnie Wahlberg hot.



Trouble said...

Thank you, God, for allowing me to be born in 1966, so I missed this humiliation.

Rassles said...

Nah, don't say that. Humiliation makes us stronger. I figure, if Donny can go out there and make an ass out of himself at 39, then I can scream like a sixth grader at 27.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

I'm so buying a ticket and going to the one in Colorado. Unless of course, all the scalpers bought them up and I have to pay more than $50.

Anonymous said...

It reminds me of when we went to the Britney concert dressed like painted whores and then got seated in the 'family section' with the 5 year olds.

But then we did choreography and had people following us. Like in a posse. Or groupies.

Anonymous said...

barry gibb is crazy? you puttin' me on?

American in Sydney said...

Omigod that is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Step by step ooh baby.

Rassles said...

~ML~: YOU HAVE TO. You have no choice, I mean, skipping this concert is not an option. Go, and then tell me all about it so I can relive the memories.

Duck: I always feel cheap when I say "welcome" to people who leave me comments, but I really do mean it. Oh, and THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. Jealous now, that I didn't do that first. Dammit. At NKOTB, you'd think choreography would be the key to acceptance: but no one around me seemed very amused by our running man.

Nurse: Oh, definitely.

Flor: Gonna get to ya gi-ir-ir-ir-irl...

Love Bites said...

Now, if it were the CURE, this insanity might be justified. Or, even the beastie boys, who put on a helluva show in 2007 at Virgin Festival.

(You might wonder how I snagged an invite to that, eh?)

Rassles said...

Seriously, LB, I can't believe you were even allowed IN.

I had this exact same reaction to Beastie Boys. Walked around for days, nay, weeks, with an Adam Yauch obsession.

I originally typed Mike D, and then realized I was horribly mistaken.

Now I'm really pissed though, because I just found out that I missed the Weezer concert last Thursday. Fuck you, media, for letting me know post-show.

Love Bites said...

God, I love me some Weezer.

Gypsy said...

I always hated the New Kids, because I was just too cool, but reading this... I don't know. It makes me feel like I missed something. And I kind of hate you for that.

Hilarious stuff, though.

Rassles said...

I was also too cool, and like I said, my original intention was to solely go on the grounds of Irony.

When I was you know, eight, I loved the music. But my sister was the one with the tapes, and that was where our obsession ended.

Now I'm like, embarrassed that I never allowed myself to be a little girl, even when I was a little girl.

Bluestreak said...

When I was in 6th grade I loved the New Kids. But by 7th grade I was already too cool for them.

However, this post actually makes me want to BE at the concert screaming.

But if it had been the Beastie Boys....oh god damn, I´d be in heaven. "yo, why´d you throw that chair at Geraldo Riviera?"

Rassles said...


Cuz one man's ceiling
is another man's floor
So get that money out of your ass, you whore

Reverend Ghost said...

Sadly, someone has a photo of me passed out under an NKOTB blanket. Fucking bitch. I never passed out at that apartment after that incident.

Rassles said...

I'll bet you kept the blanket. After you gokked all over it.

Reverend Ghost said...

No. No gok. No blanket. And the pictures are out there somewhere. I was defeated by booze. Again.

Rassles said...

Fighting booze is like fighting Apollo Creed: It doesn't matter how resilient you are, you're gonna end up going blind.

Reverend Ghost said...

If booze looked like Apollo Creed, alcohol wouldn't be a problem. Drink me. No.

Anonymous said...

Heh. I remember when "Hangin' Tough" was played on perpetual loop on national radio. I also think its fair to say that NKOTB spawned a generation of nerdy white kids who honestly thought they could breakdance.

Now I thought that was funny back in the day but when I read the Wu-Tang Clan lyrics you posted, I was creasing up with laughter.

Awesome fucking post.

Rassles said...

Thanks, Q. I'm flattered.

It's unfortunate though, that so much of NKOTB, like the Wu-Tang shogun, is a killer to the eardrum.

formerly fun said...

Way to roll with it.

I kind of missed the NKOTB wave as I was at that age where I was 'so cool' it wasn't even on my radar, but the Beastie Boys, now you speaka my language.

Still, glad you had fun and the way you wrote it 1.felt like I was there myself are offcially the girl I'd want to take with me to stuff that's dumb unless you're with the right person.

Anonymous said...

JOEY FOREVER! Oh man, the rat-tail! How did I ever forget the rat-tail? Pssssh. Jordan fans! Whatever! My babysitter and I used to watch an NKOTB concert on VHS and every time Jordan would thrust his hips, she would just lose her mind. I was too young to really get what the fuss was about as far as hip thrusting went and thought she was ridiculous. She did bring me home a t-shirt from the concert though! Excellent story rassles!

Anonymous said...

"so much of NKOTB, like the Wu-Tang shogun, is a killer to the eardrum."

Evidentially, Donnie Wahlberg's kung fu is strong.

Rassles said...

FF: Oh, I can be a pouty asswipe, too. You should see me at clubs. (But you won't. Because I don't go. Because I turn into a pouty asswipe.)

the HIV: Thanks, friend. Man, I WISH I had a NKOTB t-shirt. You are one lucky ducky.

Q: Strong like panda.

Red said...

I was always a Joey girl (those eyes! c'mon!), and I feel validated now that he was on Broadway in _Wioked_. I loved "I Still Believe in Santa Claus" on their Christmas album.

The only time I really liked Donnie was in _The Sixth Sense_. Mofo can actually act.

It would be wicked cool to see Weezer. But EG and I will be seeing CAKE at the 9:30 club a week from Sunday!

Wynn said...

Oh god I'M SO JEALOUS! I'm too young to be a part of if when they were actually famous on concerts and stuff, but we totally played with dolls to my sisters nkotb mix tape.

Grumpy said...

Sniff. I am so jealous :( You got my nkotb experience. I nearly wet myself when I heard they were coming to Perth. And then they weren't. Sigh.

However, I got to live it all a little through this freakin' hilarious post. Thanks :)

Mahjong said...

Thanks for sharing this. It was really an interesting and informative article. Pretty cool post!

Sandy said...

When I heard there was going to be a NKOTB Tour this year with BSB I almost died. I was the biggest fan of both NKOTB and BSB way back when. But till this day, they still sound and look terrific. Hope to see you at one of the NY or NJ concerts!