Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Year of the Vagabond

Formerly Fun has got me taking a mental inventory of my collective shit: all of my make up fits in a sandwich ziplock, and half of it I bought for costume parties. Eleven pairs of shoes (yes, counting all varieties of outdoor footwear, including but not limited to hiking boots, flip flops, golf shoes, heels, and ice skates). Three purses, two of which I made myself (they've even got a "Rassles" logo on them). Over two hundred CD's, but I haven't bought a CD in well over a year. New clothing: none since June, before that? Christmas. Food (enough--eat out less, I demand it).

Furniture? All second hand.

A couple hundred books, but that's nothing. Half of them cost less than a quarter because I return to the parents every year for the Best Book Sale Ever: all the books you can fit in a big brown paper bag for $6.

How am I so fucking broke right now?


1. Loki the Honda. Remember when I said I would have named The Dog "Loki" instead of "Rusty"? Well, when the parents said I couldn't change his name, I bought a car out of frustration (um, two years later) just so I could name it Loki. And every month since then, I can feel the venom of car loans dripping on my eyes when I write that check to Honda, and then I wait patiently while my checking account slowly refills until it begins to spill, and I gotta dump it out with another check and get spat in the eye again.

Now technically, I have one year left of payments. But I'm afraid that day will never come, because seriously? Me without debt? We're talking Ragnarok.

2. Well, let's think for a minute and just look straight down at my feet there...oh, I can barely see the toes. Fuck. Cut down on beer.

3. Four hundred movies.

I'm not bragging, because I'm not proud of it. In fact, I am downright ashamed, because it's far too small. What the hell kind of fanatic am I? It's goddamn diminutive compared to some collections I've seen, and I can't help but sit there, drenched in jealousy, whenever someone has a sweet copy of a movie with Clint Eastwood and an orangutan and then I need it, even though I have a burned copy already.

Seriously, how many doubles can one person have? VHS, DVD. Copies and pre-recorded.

I get it from my dad. He's the type of guy who's got every single different cut of Blade Runner - you know, the original domestic cut, the international cut, the Director's Cut, and the Final Cut.

At least it's a good and spicey collection, despite its mild size. But I'm still pathetic enough to have a card catalog and an excel spreadsheet detailing all of them, including the year it was made, the screenwriters, and directors. Because I am obsessed with good dialogue and the brains behind the plots.

It's a List, if you will. Yeah. Sometimes I make them.

I got another List too, of the movies that I want to own: there's several hundred of those, too. Jesus, I haven't even updated that since like, 2006. I better get on that shit.

4. Yeah. It's called the Year of the Vagabond: Vermont, Vegas, Vashington DC, and the Very Long Route 66.



formerly fun said...

Instead of a tip jar, you need a buy me a movie bitch wish list, that way when you tell a funny drunk story and someone feels sorry for you, they can buy you one of your movies. You could also call it your "improve your karma by buying me a movie bitch' button.

Rassles said...

Jesus, you're a fucking genius.

formerly fun said...

that's what my mom tells me, and by genius, I mean retard

Anonymous said...

Eleven pairs of shoes? Twenty two single shoes? I have that many lost under my bed. All black.

Bluestreak said...

I would never be able to give up beer or food. For me, it would be the movies that would have to go. It will only be a year and then think of all the movies that you´ll be able to buy when you don´t have to make that car payment.

Anonymous said...

wow - I thought I was anal about movies but that was before I read that you have a spreadsheet.

you want an aussie movie to add to your collection? email me your snail mail address and I'll send you one

American in Sydney said...

I'm wondering what Aussie movie NurseMyra is sending you-- is it Aussie porn? Can you send me some too?

Spreadsheet, you really are hardcore biatch. I'm assuming if you are obsessed with good dialogue and plots then you must have "Booty Call" right?

American in Sydney said...

Omigod, omigod-- I didn't realize you were THAT NurseMyra-- yes, send me porn-- but please don't send any video of things that will scare me into never having sex again.

Rassles said...

FF: And by retard, you mean retard.

Franklin: Well, hello there, and welcome. Yeah, I'm a shoe minimalist. I don't get the obsession. At all.

Blue: Yeah, I've just been burning movies for the past couple months, but sometimes you see a movie and it's just like, "I owe it to the creators of this movie to spend a zillion dollars on a DVD."

Nurse: What do you expect? I make lists. Of EVERYTHING. And, you're not gonna give me Walkabout, are you? Because it pains me to say this, but Jenny Agutter's ass just doesn't do it for me. I do not, however, own Crocodile Dundee II.

Flor: "Do I smell a whore?"

Gypsy said...

I finally cut my book buying problem by reverting to the library and Paperback Swap. It hurts, but it works.

I can't help spending money on makeup. I always think that this next thing is going to make me gorgeous, but it never does. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

um... no, I was going to send you Kiss or Kill but I still need your snailmail

American in Sydney said...

Rassles- Um, yes. That's why my husband married me.

Anonymous said...

hey floridagirl, you may find this hard to believe but I don't have any porn videos. unless you count In the Realm of the Senses :-)

American in Sydney said...

NurseMyra- you gotta get you some porn girlfriend.

Rassles said...

Nurse: Kidding, my friend. I love movies that are new to me.

Flor: Check out Edward Penishands.

Anonymous said...

I've got two aussie movies that you can choose from:

Kiss or Kill
Angel Baby

email me at after you've checked them out at imdb and made your choice

Rassles said...

Oh my god. You are amazing. I'll hit you up.

Mister Crowley said...

Erm. I have copies of 'A Bridge Too Far' in every possible format (except Blu-ray, but I'm working on that)!