Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Feel Like Batman

Today I fucking dominated the entire industry of voting. Woke up at seven and made bloody marys for MoLinder and myself and we sat there and worked up our buzz before we worked those voting booths like the Hamburgler on a quarter-pounder. With cheese.

I schooled that vodka so hard. Russia can bite me. I fucking voted today. I'm a goddamn steel-laced vigilante, protecting the streets of Chicago. They're going to make me Queen of Everything. Can you smell the imperialism in the air?

I feel like Batman. Should have worn a belt today. I'm sure I can turn this cardigan into a sweet cape or something.

Breakfast fucking ruled too. Tyrannized the crap out of an English muffin, because fuck you, England. No taxation without representation.

Oh, and I wrote in Alexander Hamilton for "Most Likely to Jeopardize Your Marriage" and "Most Provocative Eyebrows." No sticker, because Cook County is full of cheap bastards, but I scotch-taped that ballot receipt on because I am patriotic as fuck. Then I stole a sticker from my co-worker and put that shit on, because she stuck it on her purse, and I'm pretty sure "I voted" stickers totally deserve boob action.

Today is a good day.



Anonymous said...

Hysterical..."tyrannized the crap out of an English muffin..." Maybe I'll get a Belgian waffle later and scare it shitless.

Anonymous said...

Rass. Holy shit woman. You make me LAUGH! Fuck.
I laughed hysterically as I voted for Obama in the middle of a backwoods Ozarkian elementary school.
Next time? I'm making you a cape and taking you with me.

Gypsy said...

I'm not sure I've ever read anything so empowering.

formerly fun said...

America, fuck yeah!

Bluestreak said...

"Tyrannized the crap out of an English muffin, because fuck you, England". I agree with hereinfranklin. This sentence is quintessentially Rasslesque.

Congratulations to me and everyone. Fuckin A.

Anonymous said...

HEY, did you motherfucking riot last night or what? Did you terrorize Grant Park and own the shit out of that place?

If you did, I'm jealous.

Just saying.

Feisty Democrat said...

"I Voted" stickers most definitely deserve boob action!

Ellie Maybe said...

There is a bar here that has a drink called "I Can See a White Russian From My House"

I want to drink it.

Mister Crowley said...



Rassles said...

Frank: Yes, you should. And then make fun of it's breweries, and call it a pansy.

Mongo: Whatever dude, you ripped your pants off in front of him. And you think I'm funny?

Gypsy: Voting does that to me.

FF: The Alamo, Band-Aids, Las Vegas, Christmas, Immigrants, Popeye. Fuck Yeah. Books.

Blue: I would also oppress Spanish Tapas into a deep depression.

Mount: No riotry, it was upsetting.

Math: So many things deserve boob action, and so few of them receive it.

Eli: Let's fucking go then.

Crow: 1. Love that. 2. Dude, that comic book bastard stole my name. I've been the only Rassles for years, man. YEARS.

paperback reader said...

This may have been the moment where I fell in love with you.

However, since most exes have informed me I'm incapable of love or most emotions, I may well be wrong there.

Rassles said...

Pistols, if blogs could blush...mine would laugh in your face. Snake.