Monday, November 3, 2008

This Weekend Was Pretty Tame.

You know, this weekend was pretty tame.

I blacked out though, for the first time since my twenty-first birthday. This freaks me out.

Things Remembered from Friday Night:

1. Getting all excited for Gyna's kegger.

2. Picking up Muffy from a train stop in Cicero instead of where she was supposed to get off. Muffy, you are a stupid bitch.

3. Sewing my costume last minute and having it come out perfectly. Except for the back, and the fact that it looked like a sleeved hospital gown with an apron, and I didn't have a chance to make that sweet spoon-pouch thing so I just carried the spoon around, but fuck that. I looked awesome.

4. Slinger did Sarah Palin With A Price Tag, which is funny because he looked much more like her than I thought, but unfunny because everyone was Sarah Palin. He did, however, yell, "I suck, vote Obama" at strangers on the street, so points for balls and blatant, glorious, unapologetic douchebaggery.

5. There was a goddamn fog machine over at Gyna's, so I couldn't tell if there were thirty people or three.

6. Brandon is an asswipe, and bought a keg that looked like an oxygen tank. So when I arrived with five others, we gathered around the damn thing, exchanged glances, and all agreed that it would be gone in about ten minutes, and since I'm a dork, I walk around asking people, "Are we going scuba diving?"

7. Me and Gyna leave to go get more beer. I bring the spoon. Fuck you, liquor store lurkers. Pioneer power. Granted, they also could have been staring at Gyna's massive tits.

8. Phil and Schmee came up with the brilliant idea of playing Moose. Because we're totally still in college in our heads, and find pleasure in chucking quarters into shit that includes but is not limited to shot glasses, ice cube trays, and washing machines.

9. Whiskey Showdown between me and Brandon. I have no idea who won the showdown, and it really doesn't matter. Because when you're chugging from the bottle, you always win.

10. M.E. shows up dressed like Gogo Yubari, the exact same costume she's been wearing for the past five years. We battle, spoon versus manriki. Again, I have no idea who wins. Because when you're chugging from the bottle, you can't remember shit. Oh yeah, and we busted out the Run DMC, because we dominate "It's Tricky." Twice.

11. Flash: Getting in a cab.

12. Flash: Standing in my kitchen trying to rip something open with my teeth.

13. Flash: Standing in my kitchen holding a bottle of Feckin' (yeah, just what I needed. More whiskey.).

14. Flash: Wondering why the oven was on and turning it off.

15. Flash: Leaning over my balcony and seeing M.E.'s hot younger brother. "Meeotch, COME OVER."

15. Flash: Yelling at M.E.

16. Flash: Covering Phil with a blanket.

17. I wake up after two because Muffy and MoLinder made us breakfast, and think, "Man, I got like twelve hours of sleep. This is awesome."

18. Learn that I blacked out, and slept for something closer to six hours.

19. I find a box of veggie burgers in the recycling and ask MoLinder, "When did we get veggie burgers?" I open the freezer. There is a single veggie burger in there, in the plastic, with a slightly ripped corner.

20. Completely skipped the American Girl store due to severe hangovers and complete lack of motivation to get ready again.

Things I Don't Remember From Friday Night

1. Leaving the party.

2. Getting home.

3. Making and eating a pizza.

4. After disappearing for half an hour, Muffy called out randomly, "Rass, what the fuck are you doing?" And I growl from the kitchen, "Veggie Burgers."

5. Downing a third of a bottle of Feckin' while I made my veggie burgers. Which I never made. But I think I've been able to piece this together: I found a box of veggie burgers in the freezer, no doubt left over from when Xtine lived here, turned on the broiler, tried to open the package of the single burger in there, failed, put the frozen burger back in the freezer and the box in the recycling, grabbed a bottle of whiskey, drank it, turned around, and wondered why the oven was on.

5. Yelling at Schmee because she's hotter than Hot Gina (not to be confused with Gyna, who is also hot, but did not sleep with celebrity douchebag John Mayer, unlike Hot Gina)

6. Yelling at M.E. because she thinks she can be friends with her ex-girlfriend.

7. Having a heart to heart with Phil on the porch about his ex, where I constantly mispronounce "admirable." Apparently, I find him admirable. This is entirely new to me, because I was previously under the impression that Phil was a bastard. While he tries to trigger my memory on Saturday night, Phil adds, "I think you were trying to make out with me."

8. Something about Meeotch and corn dogs.

9. MoLinder and Muffy running up and down the street, writing "Obama" backwards on the rear windows of every single car.

Now usually, we're able to figure out exactly what happens when everyone blacks out, because I remember everything. But this time I suck at life.


On Saturday, Timmy's party was ridiculous as always. Decided to opt for Double Dare contestant, because it's way more comfortable than pioneer garb, and I'm always up for a physical challenge.

I missed last years' party, when some girl got eaten out on the pool table in front of an audience of avid supporters, and I regretted it, because that would have been hilare. And I haven't gotten in a fight in a very long time, so I was secretly hoping that I'd get the chance to yell insults at someone with seven friends holding back me back while I struggled to attack.

But, unfortunately, I was the designated driver, and spent all of Saturday night trying to figure out what happened on Friday, bailing people out of jail, and attending to the freak shows around me like disgruntled zookeeper. You know. The usual.



Gypsy said...

No one ever invites me to parties where people get eaten out on pool tables anymore. Why is that?

formerly fun said...

That's just wrong, how can she relax enough to even enjoy it? Was she conscious. After that movie with Jodi Foster, the sex on a pool table thing has lost its luster.

Bluestreak said...

so fucking sad i missed halloween this year. Thanks for taking me through your night, though. I feel like I was there.

Feisty Democrat said...

Wow, that was a tame weekend!

Ellie Maybe said...

Why am I never at these damn parties? Poo.

Rassles said...

Gypsy: I don't know man, I hit up like two a week.

FF: I have a feeling she was blacked out.

Blue: I'm sorry you had to come with me, because it was boring as fuck. Nothing happened. I'm so upset.

Math: I know, right? I'm so weak. Oh, and hey there.

Eli: Not my fault you're all going around, being in a band. Playing shit. And we need to do that angels and kings thing.

paperback reader said...

I'm interested in the character you introduced, Gyna's massive tits.

Except for the public oral and inability to make food, this sounds more like my weekend than I can handle - particularly the part where you rock "It's Tricky." In fact, this weekend, at a rock show, I mic checked with that very tune. Awesome.

Rassles said...

Hmmm, I wonder if Gyna would be opposed to me exposing them to the world?

And Pistols, I used to feel the "Tricky" was grossly underestimated by elitists, which would make me even more elite, because I know when they don't. Now that I know you're representin' it that I am not as elite as I thought? or is it that you're up there with me?