Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Turkey Man and the People of the Bus

Some of you may be unaware, but for some reason, I have a face that appeals to those with serious mental issues.

Yesterday I sat on the bus, as I have a tendency to do. Had the good fortune to sit next to a man whose surface appeared normal. General clothing, lacking garish colors and/or scents, middle-aged man. Hat and glasses.

I'm sitting for about thirty seconds, enough time to pull out a book that is slightly obscure, and not necessarily very well-written, but approachable. With a nice cover.

The man next to me slowly reaches forward and grabs the handle of the headrest of the seat in front of him and squeezes. I can feel him tense up next to me. Coiling.

I do that thing where you move your eyes as far to the side as possible without moving your head and watch his chest rise as he takes a dramatic breath.

"HELLO, BUS PEOPLE! I am the TURKEY MAN!" He sounds like the casually discarded spawn of Charles Nelson Reilly and Pat Carroll. "Everybody, raise up your hands. For I am the TURKEY MAN, and upon us. RAISE YOUR HANDS!"

His arms flare up and sweep my sleeve on the way. My head follows the path my eyes previously traveled. I stare at him. He smiles at me, and takes another deep breath, eyes wide and voice all harsh and flaming: "Tomorrow, I shall stretch out my wings. I will be going to OLD COUNTRY BUFFET! For I am the TURKEY MAN, and I am NEEDED!"

Obviously, this man is an oratory genius. I start laughing. I can't help it.

His eyes open wider (is that even possible?) "GIVE ME YOUR TURKEYS! Tell me where you will be next week, and I WILL STOP BY AND SHARE MY LEFTOVERS!"

I am furiously texting every single person in my phone:

Text To: fucking everyone
The guy next to me on the bus keeps on telling me he's the turkey man.
And that he's going to wear his wings to old country buffet tomorrow. GAHH.

"I will come over on MONDAY, People Of The Bus! For I...AM THE TURKEY MAN!"

Text From: Adam, Bald
Its all sorts of spring break up in this Thanksgiving! Hook a bratha up

"THE TURKEY MAN REQUESTS: The afternoon of Thanksgiving, what will you be..."

"Shut up." Uh oh. The People of the Bus are starting to get rowdy.


Text From: Eli
Ask him for a bite.

Text From: Kristen
Hahaha omg dont eat or drink anything he gives you

I glance over at the Turkey Man. He is crazy for bird flesh. Say something. Say something clever. Be clever, dammit. You have to do something clever so you can write about it on your blog. Dammit, have I started defining myself through the internet aga--

"The afternoon of Thanksgiving! It is of GREAT IMPORTANCE! REMEMBER THE TURKEY! Afternoons will now be measured in TURKEYS! They will be measured in...COFFEESPOONS!"

Text From: Schmee
God the crazys love you

Text From: Muffy
Dude. Ridic.

"Aaaaafternoo-oo-oons! Will be measured out, measured with...coo-o-o-ffeespoo-ooo-ooons!"

Is he singing Crash Test Dummies?


Yes he is.

"Because I am...THE TURKEY MAN!"

Text From: MoLinder
Haha. I'm drinking for free. Auxsome beer

The bus intercom crackles into play. "Sir. SIR. You are disrupting the bus."

The Turkey Man lifts his hand to his lips.

Text From: Xtine
You should have told him to stick a duck in it

Bus Driver continues,"Sir, please refrain from raising your voice."

The Turkey man slyly gazes at me and giggles, then whispers in rapid fire: "IamtheTurkeyMan." His eyes rotate down towards his hand.

Text To: A fuckload of people

The crazies love me, man. I bring it out in them.



Anonymous said...

I wish I was on your bus, or text list. Either sounds funny.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you're not still at the house of the expensive cat (or whatever that place is) drinking made up blue things?

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Rassles.

Anonymous said...

you need to get your ass over to the gimcrack if you really really want to feel the love of crazy people

Mister Crowley said...


Rassles said...

Franki: If you were on it on Wednesday night, it would have said, "Dude I just got kicjed out od lame gay bar for my own whiskey oops"

Mongo: No, no. The Turkey Man was very, very real.

Spidey: You too, friend. TURKEY.

Nurse: I think I'm doing pretty well just hanging around in Chicago and you know, existing.

CROW: You sing that on the bus, don't you? And, by the way, thanks for coming back. Jackass.

paperback reader said...

You know, very few prophets reference Old Country Buffet in their Sermons on the Mount. Gotta respect a man for that.

Anonymous said...

In all my bus adventures, I have never been so lucky to meet a Turkey Man. Hi-LAR-ious!

American in Sydney said...

I'm the turkey man.

American in Sydney said...

I'm the turkey man.

American in Sydney said...

Oops, well as long as I keep posting the same thing over and over--
did I mention I'm the turkey man?

Rassles said...

Pistols: Next time I proselytize, I plan on using OCB as my venue for converting the overweight patrons to the Church of Turkey.

Sass: If you'd like, you can borrow my Turkey Man. The fun never stops.


formerly fun said...

All I can say is I'm glad my dad got to spend thanksgiving with someone.

Rass, you know what I love about you? You bring the party with you. All. The. Time.

Mister Crowley said...

Hell, yeah. I sing that one all the time. Even in the shower. And then my neighbours wonder if the pipes need changing. Well.

Yes. I'm back. After a long month smothered by dusty court documents and overdue credit card bills.

Gypsy said...

The Turkey Man needs a good pluck.

I hate myself a little now. But just a little.

Anonymous said...

Just because I think I'm the turkey man, doesn't mean you need to make fun of me on your blog. It was a nice bus ride, don't you think?

Rassles said...

FF: I got party by the pocketful. And if you read the latest boner blog, it's party with a side of dildos.

Crow: Oh, I'm glad you're back, even if it's brief.

Gypsy: Wicked pun, dude.

Blink: Best. Bus. Ever.

Bluestreak said...

can i follow you around for like a week so i finally have something to blog about?