Monday, December 22, 2008

An Abundance of High Fivery

Saturday was one of those nights where we got drunk, made Bad Decisions, and passed out with the sunrise. Those are the best kinds of nights. 'Round here we call that, "every night." We're incomparable at naming things, over here. We also enjoy referring to ourselves royally, apparently. Our blog must be a dictatorial monarchy. And if you believe that "dictatorial" is an imaginary lexical derivation of "dictator," you would be secretly correct, then thoroughly overruled by us, and hung by your feet in the gallows while we played "Flight of Icarus" and "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" really, really loudly and threw rocks at you.

So the Smith Sisters had a party, and I went, after falling asleep early on Friday and spending all Saturday wrapped in a blanket, feeling sorry for myself and watching Pride and Prejudice by candlelight.

Shut up.

But eventually I get to the party after battling the wind and snow and emotional overload, and I can feel this surge of desperation inside of me as I sit down with my beer, so I pick up a deck of cards with one hand and thumb over card after card, keeping my beer in the other hand so it doesn't have to travel as far to my mouth.

"Are you playing Highlowredblack by yourself?" Slinger asks, seating himself across from me.


"That's wicked awesome." He strokes his spankin' new molester mustache.

I keep guessing cards and drinking as I flick over each card. "Dude, I am so getting in a fight tonight."

Slinger peers at me over his indoor sunglasses and barks, "Yeah buddy. Let's get all fired up."

"Why do you think you're going to fight?" asks Dude Who Obviously Doesn't Know Me Very Well Yet. That'll change.

"I can feel it." I don't even look up as I finish off the deck and my beer. "There's a full keg out there--"

Slinger tips his head and refills my cup with the pitcher. "Not for long."

"Yeah buddy," I say as we high five, "it's cold, I had to go shopping and I fucking hate shopping. I watched Pride and Prejudice today--shut up"--I glare at Slinger without missing a beat and point at him, and give him my Threatening Face as he starts shaking his head--"Shut. Up. And there were candles, and I didn't have any coffee...I'm either gonna cry or fight. My guts are all..gutty."

"I got dibs on the former," Slinger yells.

"But why?" asks A Smith Sister.

"It's a thing. It's very lame." I take a sip of beer, shaking my head.

"Because whenever Ross does anything girly she gets drunk and cries." He leans and aims a finger gun at me, sternly. "You go back to cowboy movies. When you watch cowboy movies you're fucking awesome. Or those other ones you made me watch with the swords. I don't like it when you feel things."

I nod. "Like Keanu Reeves in everything."

"Yes!" And we totally high five, because for some reason, whenever Slinger is around, so is an abundance of high fivery. "Be that guy."



derfina said...

My guts are all...gutty.

I love it! My word verification word is PARTIES!

Anonymous said...

"...all Saturday wrapped in a blanket, feeling sorry for myself and watching Pride and Prejudice by candlelight."

Oh Rassles...I cannot shut up.
And? I just blogged about getting into a fight with you. Or something.

Anonymous said...

uhhh- i believe you left out the best parts of the night. one of which was the convo that took place before the part about making a mistake for the sake of making it. i think people would enjoy reading about it. plus i think it sets the tone for the remainder of the other good stuff...

paperback reader said...

I'd make fun of you for the P&P, but that first paragraph was pretty majestic, and made me think, "Maiden and the Ramones? She's like me, but with boobs."

And if there are two things I like thinking about, it's 1) me, and 2) boobs.

Kitty said...

Hellyeah on Keanu Reeves in everything.

Bimbo Baggins said...

Ummm, so did you fight or cry? I must know.

Rassles said...

Derf: It should be "badesishons."

Mongo: Seriously, shut up. I don't even like Pride and Prejudice. I just couldn't stop...

Gyna: You shut your mouth. We don't need to tell the world about embarrassing, sloppy make out sessions that probably looked like a fight to everyone who was trying to sleep. I feel sorry for anyone who caught that with their eyes. Or their ears. It just couldn't have been pretty. We probably looked liked brawling hyenas, all giant mouths and awkward limbs and laughing and panting. Especially since anyone watching would be ultimately disappointed that after having to endure all that drunken nonsense, it didn't go any further. Poor Dude.

Pistols: "Majestic" is exactly the tone we set out to convey. And we just randomly picked the songs because they were the last two to play on Pandora, but if that makes you compare us to yourself...that's the highest compliment you're capable of. So graciously, we thank you.

Kitty: Even though he's a robot...I really do like him. Just because I want him to break character one day and say, "And I am the Duke of Ted."

DPH: See above comment to Gyna.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, Rassles! :D

Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays Rassles xx

Kitty said...

That would be most excellent.

American in Sydney said...

I've been away-- and this was just what I needed, a story about hometowns that was bitter, long on negativity, and had a pinch of love.

Between your post and my current hometown visit, I'm feeling inspired to go off on my own hood.

Rassles said...

Spidey: Thanks, and back atcha!

Nurse: Holla.

Kitty: Bodacious.

Flora: Missed you. Welcome back.

Bluestreak said...

I love how you do things that you know are torture for yourself. I do the same thing. I know there are certain movies/albums I should stay away from but, yeah, I go there anyway. I don't, however, go out and get in a fight afterwards. I do get drunk and cry though.