Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It Rips Worlds Asunder

Speaking of suck:

I snapped my glasses in half this morning, and had to go visit Ammo to get some new ones, because my natural vision graphics are more pixelated than Atari.

Basically, I got a poor replica of the pair of glasses that I've had for the past eight years.

Someday I will afford better ones. The kind of glasses that trick people into believing I'm classy, sassy, and brilliant. The kind of glasses that make strangers buy me beer and throw fistfuls of Hamiltons my way. The kind of glasses that tighten my abs and lengthen my legs, that raise my IQ and my patience and my tolerance for booze and my proclivitous wit. The kind of glasses that compliment and enhance my innate charm and allure rather than hinder and hide it, because my unchecked motherfucking charm and allure will knock you on your cock faster than a rabid bear on a beehive if I just open the cage and turn it loose, I swear to fucking god.

My goddamn allure could reverse gravity. It shattered Pangea and flattened the Romans. It's faster in a footrace than flashes of light, stronger than the shoulders of the world. It's the wind, it's a soldier, it's the subtle warmth of the sun. It raises the dead and heals all their wounds. It rips worlds asunder.

So I gotta keep that bitch on a leash.

That
is how fucking alluring I am, but no one could ever tell before, with those old glasses.

And you really can't tell with the new glasses, either.

...

14 comments:

tysdaddy said...

Co'mon! NO picture?! Or is even the merest glimpse of your aforementioned (ad nauseum) charm enough to strike us incoherent and slobbery?

Damn!

Betsey Booms said...

You can't be that alluring because I am and my glasses totally block it.

Ammo said...

come by my job when you have contacts on to pick out the glasses that make all your wildest dreams come true.

You will get that damn discount until the day you die.

The funny thing is, you picked the one frame thats missing a nosepad on the same side as the ones you snapped.

The irony ensues.

They're not that bad, no one would have noticed. We'll call em the toolshed frames.

Ammo said...

I shouldn't take a vicodin and muscle relaxants and type things.

mongoliangirl said...

uhhhhh...Rassles? WTF is going on here? I'm not sure I'm comfortable knowing you are so alluring. Or your glasses are. Or something.

gina said...

you are an awesome writer rassles.

and thank god you got that shit checked cuz i would be cowering in a corner somewhere for fear of it.

Erin Alberty said...

Poor-replica glasses = such a bummer. My frames are dark in front but clear in back, which sets off the edges of the lenses into white circles that make my eyes look the size of peas.

I used a black Sharpie to block the light to the lens-edges, but the ink rubbed off all over my nose and and eyebrows. Then I got some black fingernail polish, and that worked pretty well.

renalfailure said...

Sounds like someone ate a whole bowl of Honey Bunches of Tag Larkin today.

Happy new year!

gullybogan said...

Your allure is making my hard-drive rattle. Pls stop it. Or at least turn it down a little.

hereinfranklin said...

I have those glasses--about $500 worth. It's a lot to pay for allure, but it's worth it. (And I love that my squiggle word verification thingy is PROSE.)

pistols at dawn said...

You're a lot like Cyclops of the X-men, forced to restrain your otherwise uncheckable power behind ruby quartz spectacles. Oh, and drunken spectacles.

Rassles said...

Tysdaddy: I'm hesitant to post a picture revealing something as colossal as my allure. Remember the disaster of Troy? Launching ships and Greeks hiding in horses and all that? Yeah. My allure will create hundreds of movies that are equally as painful.

Booms: I am alluring as fuck, and don't you forget it.

Ammo: Yeah, I don't wear the contacts anymore. Remember when I had to shimmy and swim across the stage to find a lost lens? Fuck that. But thank you so much for helping me, because I seriously couldn't see a damn thing.

Mongo: I am alluring, and my glasses keep it wrapped. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever been alluring in my entire life. Just the opposite, in fact. And for sure: toolshed frames. They hold my shit.

Gina: Thanks, friend. I apologize if any of it slips out and scares you.

Erin: That is hilarious. Seriously. Shoe polished glasses...who'd have thought?

RF: Many happy returns to you as well. If only Tag Larkin were around to see my allure, I could snag him for good. Love that guy.

Gully: I should just put the glasses on.

Franklin: Jealousy. Glasses are expensive little bastards, aren't they? Seriously.

Pistols: That was just about the dreamiest response ever.

Bluestreak said...

You are so all that in cyberlandia with or without the glasses.

I have 20-20 vision but picture myself with sexy alluring glasses too, but then I would be a total dipshit that wears glasses just to look cool and that would go against my stance that people who wear glasses to look cool should be publically humiliated and possibly tased.

But you can get away with buying glasses just to look cool cause you need them.

Rassles said...

Blues: Fuck it. Just get them anyway so everyone thinks you're trying to be all Tina Fey.