Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Dowry Is A Doozy

I've been getting phone calls every damn day from my dad to make sure I'm heading over to the parents for tree decorating on Sunday.

He also did that thing where he makes me feel guilty for being picky about shit I own. He wants a Christmas list from me. Don't you understand, Dad, that I want everything in my possession to completely represent me? As an individual? To show off my unique and original taste in objects and decor?

And that's why I want this very exclusive Moorish tile rug (in Espresso) from Pottery Barn.

Obviously, this will legitimize my roots as a moor from Morocco and simultaneously lower my heating bill, and I can feel that thing rise every time I turn the heat up a degree. Me and MoLinder went as high as sixty-two degrees the other day. I know because we designed a Galilean thermometer out of a two-liter, cracked ping pong balls, old saint pendants and bent beer bottle tops to track our heater. I told you I was like MacGuyver.

Basically, every single day, me and my dad have a variation of the conversation I had with him ten minutes ago:

"So you're coming home this weekend, right? It's your sister's birthday."

"Dad, you know Katsisch doesn't give a crap if I'm there or not."

He laughs. Dad laughs at everything. "What about your dear old Dad? Don't you think I want to spend time with my worthless daughter?"

"Well, Dad. Shameful tolerance of my abusive father would add to my worth."

"It's a good thing your dad makes the big bucks. Your dowry is a doozy."

"What's it up do these days?"

Sighing deeply, he pauses. "My entire comic book collection. And like, seven goats."

"Even the mint Watchmen? I totally had dibbs."

"Well, honey, I mean...how do expect us to marry you off to some guy if he doesn't get anything good? What about my grandchildren?"

"Dad, it's gonna take more than goats and comic books to get someone to breed quality kids with me." I pause, for a fraction. "Maybe we could throw in, like, the family cookbook."

Big laugh from the big dad who makes the big bucks, and he huffs, "Our food sucks."

Damn. Got me there. "I guess I'm just as worthless as we thought."

"It's because your dad's a dork."

"Yeah, thanks a lot."

"You're not as bad as your sister. I'm gonna have to give someone the Wii to get her out of the house."

"You don't have a Wii."

"Well...Wii'll see after Christmas." He cracks himself up. "Seriously, for real now, you have to come home this weekend to decorate the goddamn tree."



derfina said...

Hey, give the man credit. He's saved up seven whole goats on your behalf! If that ain't love, I don't know what is!

Anonymous said...

No offense but I think Pottery Barn sells the opposite of "unique and original taste in objects and decor."

Anonymous said...

Dude, seriously, if Vee and I break up and MoLinder moves back to San Diego, I want to be your roommate so we can make science projects and have drunk arguments with ourselves aimed at each other. SO jealous right now.

Anonymous said...

i think the rug from pottery barn will definitely express to everyone how special you are. not sure where you want to get drapes from but i was checking out restoration hardware and the stuff there just screams originality.
at least you have a dowry. dad is blowing it on booze somewhere in utah and mom isn't putting anything away for me because i'm expected to care for her in her elder years.

Rassles said...

Derf: I know, right? And Dad loves his goats. He keeps them in a crate in the basement.

Franki: I'm pretty sure you're correct, which is why there's no way in hell we're getting that rug. Especially since I have no moor blood whatsoever. It's all Irish and Italian. Oh, and fuck Pottery Barn. Bonnie Bedelia shops there.

Eli: I'm in. My next ideas? Decaupaging the coffee table with pages from my college chemistry text book. And then I'm gonna make a solar system chandelier, and put Pluto in another room. SCIENCE.

MoLinder: Someday, we will have curtains. And not just the shite ones I crafted from extra fabric. I am the best seamstress ever.

renalfailure said...

Throw in some swords and you've got our interest.

Kitty said...

"I know because we designed a Galilean thermometer out of a two-liter"

Your street value just went up 500% with that one.
Goat or no goat.

Anonymous said...

"Wii'll see after Christmas." The sad thing is, I thought that was comedy gold. Something happens to the chemistry of your brain when you have kids, I swear.

BTW, yay!!! This post was a Best Of on Holidailies!!!

Kitty said...

Yay Rassles! Best of Holidailies! (Your street value is stacking up)

paperback reader said...

If I had to do impromptu science experiments, I'd just look around for the Asian kid next to me to cheat off of, since that was good enough for me to put the "C" in "Chemistry" in high school.

Rassles said...

RF: How about half a set of Cutco knives and a spork from Taco Bell?

Kitty: Yeah, but the temperature is like, always two ping-pong balls and a bottle cap. So instead of actually having a number or an actual applicable temperature scale, it's always garbage degrees garbage.

Ginny: That's because I worked it.

Pistols: So what you're saying is, for Christmas you'd like an Asian.

Bluestreak said...

your dad has the exact same kind of humor as my dad.

American in Sydney said...

I'm with franki on Pottery Barn being the opposite of unique-- but that rug is really cool, you should totally get it!

Rassles said...

Yeah, that whole getting a rug from Potter Barn thing? Facetious.