Wednesday, December 17, 2008

They Are The Future

When I sauntered into work this morning, our building was kind enough to provide a breakfast buffet for its inhabitants. Free cinnamon roll = hell yeah breakfast.

So melty cinnamon roll in hand, I sit down at my desk all ready to spend a day working myself into a gooey, sticky mess and catching up on all the work I missed yesterday, because we had some bullshit Christmas party for all of our high rolling donors. Not thirty seconds later, the boss decides decides to call me from his office.

"Ross! Guess what you get to do this afternoon at three!"

"I can hardly contain my curiosity."

"You know how [a bunch of other people I work with] are with carolers at the train station right now?"

"Yeah, of course."

"You get to lead the afternooners! Isn't that exciting?"

"Oh, man, are you kidding me?"

Then one of my coworkers walks by, smirking. "Yeah, we didn't want to tell you because we were afraid you'd call in sick."


The boss chirps over the intercom of my phone, with the laugh of a seriously unbalanced inmate, "You're welcome!" He only speaks in exclamation points.

So at three I bundle up and head over to a street corner in the loop to meet up with a bunch of overexcited students from two of our schools, who immediately demand hot chocolate and start singing "Jingle Bells" while they shook little fucking hand bells and played a cackling, ill-pitched rendition of "Silent Night" on their recorders.

Just because I raise money for schools does not mean I want to hear children singing. I loathe the sound of a large group of singing children. Love kids. They are the future. Just please stop singing in large groups. Your voices slice deeper than the wind chill.

Eventually, one of my coworkers got the brilliant idea that we should shuffle the kids over to the ABC studio so they could get on the five o'clock news. Guess who got to introduce them on television, naming their schools and pretending to smile and care deeply about the children of Chicago, with a snotty red face and layers of protection against the ten degree weather?

Oh, if you guessed me, then you get a fucking star.



derfina said...

We had kinda the same day!

formerly fun said...

If you post video evidence of this, I will send you something from the spa for Christmas.

Is there video evidence?????

Word verification? hindupuf, is this a gay hindu?

Anonymous said...

fuck little kids - sticky hands and dirty faces. bad news. fuck little kids singing. that's the worst sound ever. every time i hear the young folk sing, i want to gouge my eardrums out with a pencil. FUCK LITTLE KIDS. for realsies. and not in a pedi way. i'm not down with that.
I'm in a rage.

paperback reader said...

I guessed Peabo Bryson. I am terrible at guessing games.

Also, how do you feel about British bands and their love for getting kids to sing choruses, like the Clash (I think it's the Clash on Broadway version of "Career Opportunities") and the Smiths ("Hang the DJ" in "Panic")?

Rassles said...

Derf: Cinnamony goodness, eh?

FF: Unfortunately, even if I did find the video, I wouldn't post it. So far the work doesn't know about the blog, and that's probably a good thing. Not because of the employees, but because of the board.

MoLinder: You are a drunken fucking fuck.

Pistols: I can actually deal with "Panic," particularly because Morrissey sings along with them, completely overshadowing their ruckus, and he's dreamy.

Moist Rub said...

Snotty red face?

Maybe they thought you were Jerry Taft.

Greta said...

I take it the KidsBop cd isn't what you want for Christmas.

Meagan said...

I think the reason kids singing sounds so awful is because we don't screen them in any way, we just pretend that children are born knowing how to sing. If we entered a random office building and picked the fifty closest people to sing a carol I'm pretty sure they'd sound awful too. Grown ups aren't so piercing of course, but I kind of think that is balanced out by the obligatory woman who thinks she's an undiscovered soprano genius.

Anonymous said...

I like Kids. I don't generally like kids.

BTW, I need to see this. There's gotta be video somewhere. Don't make me get all CSI on your ass.

Mister Crowley said...

Promise me you'll sing 'Jingle Balls' :D

Kitty said...

If you think that's bad you should hear them when they start playing string instruments.

Funny they had you on the news with the kids. LOL.

Anonymous said...

This onetime i was at a zoo with Princess and there was a large group of young boys there, too, touristing it up. This little old lady stopped admiring the kangaroos and started to admire the boys' accents instead.

"Where are you from, dears?" she asked, indulgently.

"Los Angeles" they told her.

"Yes," enthused their chaperone, "They're the Such-and-such Boychoir!"

"Really?" declared the old lady. "Sing me something, then, if you wouldn't mind!"

So all these ragged looking urchins in gumboots and big parkas and fluffy hats (it was the middle of winter) stopped eating chips and started singing, right there amongst the kangaroos, like a flock of little angels.

It was surreal.

Gypsy said...

I'll be expecting my star to come complete with caroling. Any day now. I'm waiting.

Feisty Democrat said...

How did you even notice what the kids sounded like when you were rapped up in singing with them? You did sing with them, right?

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm a fucking star indeed. And now I have a fucking Golden Globe award for pretending to pity you because of this event when, really? Really I'm laughing like a hyena on the inside.

Rassles said...

Moist Rub: First of all, I'd like to say: way to come up with a name that leaves everything to the imagination. Second of all, I'd like to point out that my previous comment was facetious. Third of all, if I was going to be a meteorologist, I would be John Dalton, because he's the only one I can name off the top of my head that is not Jerry Taft.

Greta: Keep that thing away from me. Seriously.

Meagan: Actually, I'm far more tolerant of untrained children singers. When they all have that high choir voice--that's what hurts, I mean, I'll run away. Like in "You Can't Always Get What You Want." But then again, I tend to not get along with people who have high speaking voices as well.

Ginny: Do not. Oh, please do not.

Crow: Promise me you'll keep those puns alive.

Kitty: Not funny. Sad and depressing.

Gully: Even though I'm sure it was high choir voices, that sounds pleasant. And scary.

Gypsy: Would you take a candy gram? And by that I mean, um, damn. Something clever.

Math: OH, FUCK NO.

Mongo: I love hyenas. I always wished we had them when I worked at the zoo, but it's better that we didn't, because I would probably have stood in front of their enclosure and cried.

Moist Rub said...

I agree with everything you said.

But I was actually making fun of Jerry Taft.

Because he looks like a snotty red faced guy they let on television.

Anonymous said...

Ooooohhhhh recorders. Those were terrible semesters.