When I sauntered into work this morning, our building was kind enough to provide a breakfast buffet for its inhabitants. Free cinnamon roll = hell yeah breakfast.
So melty cinnamon roll in hand, I sit down at my desk all ready to spend a day working myself into a gooey, sticky mess and catching up on all the work I missed yesterday, because we had some bullshit Christmas party for all of our high rolling donors. Not thirty seconds later, the boss decides decides to call me from his office.
"Ross! Guess what you get to do this afternoon at three!"
"I can hardly contain my curiosity."
"You know how [a bunch of other people I work with] are with carolers at the train station right now?"
"Yeah, of course."
"You get to lead the afternooners! Isn't that exciting?"
"Oh, man, are you kidding me?"
Then one of my coworkers walks by, smirking. "Yeah, we didn't want to tell you because we were afraid you'd call in sick."
The boss chirps over the intercom of my phone, with the laugh of a seriously unbalanced inmate, "You're welcome!" He only speaks in exclamation points.
So at three I bundle up and head over to a street corner in the loop to meet up with a bunch of overexcited students from two of our schools, who immediately demand hot chocolate and start singing "Jingle Bells" while they shook little fucking hand bells and played a cackling, ill-pitched rendition of "Silent Night" on their recorders.
Just because I raise money for schools does not mean I want to hear children singing. I loathe the sound of a large group of singing children. Love kids. They are the future. Just please stop singing in large groups. Your voices slice deeper than the wind chill.
Eventually, one of my coworkers got the brilliant idea that we should shuffle the kids over to the ABC studio so they could get on the five o'clock news. Guess who got to introduce them on television, naming their schools and pretending to smile and care deeply about the children of Chicago, with a snotty red face and layers of protection against the ten degree weather?
Oh, if you guessed me, then you get a fucking star.