Last night, after a rip-roaring good episode of Heroes, MoLinder got hammered by herself and switched on her newest alternate personality, The Most Entertaining Human Being On A Monday.
First, in a feat of drunken disgust, she hand-plucked all of the fur off her cat's ass out of sheer hatred for cat ass scabs, throwing bits of fur and scab on the ground with such ferocity that she pulled a muscle.* Then she yelled and hollered for nearly two hours about celebrities, how Bono is useless, what she would do if she won the lottery, the snow, and how Gyna's mom was underappreciated because of teaching something something something.
She kept on almost falling.
Then the subject of Gyna's mom triggered this whole other rampage about societal values and Japanese handmugs, and how her two favorite words are "Tool" and "Dbag." I watched her finish off all of our beer before she told me her deepest, darkest secret, which I will now unload on the world:
"If I evermeet Maynard Keenan inrealife, Iam...droppingtomylegs. Knees. Hahahaha. I amdropping.to.my.kneez. Yes. And giving him a"--raises her eyebrows and whispers--"blow job. Right. There. Because he has the SEXIEST voice," she pauses, and then with a grand, sweeping, beer-spilling arm swipe, she breathes, heavily, "Ehhhhvveerrrr." She sways on her feet for several seconds before continuing, "A lot of people don't like Tool. They think they're too..." she squints, angrily, "aaaaangreeee. But I LOOOOOVE Tool. I L-a-La-LOOOOVVE Tool. Let me tell you. I LOOOOOVE Tool."
"So you like Tool."
"Oh my god. LOOOOOVE Tool. Lemmetellyou. If I evermeet Maynard, I WILL SUCK HIS DICK. Right there."
"Because his voice is sexy?"
"OH MY GOD I LOOOOVE HIS VOICE. It is sexy. I would blow him. I pro-mise you. Because I LOOOOVE Tool. Love Tool. I. Love. Tool."
"And you love Maynard's tool."
"Dude lemmetellyou. When wewereon Route 66, in Arizona, if therewuz time...and if we weren't all powering through...I wouldah made you go to his winery, so I couldbeall eat that Shana."
I don't know who Shana is, so I just nod in agreement.
"An thenif HE wuzthere...I would blow him. He...deserves it."
This continues for several minutes. She yells at me until I order her a pizza at like 1AM (she couldn't really use a phone), and then she eats three quarters of it and passes out, mumbling something about Doctor Spock killing Veronica Mars and how babies were bullshit anyway.
I tried to wake her up. "Dude, drink some water before you go to bed, or you'll be all salty tomorrow."
I'm laughing at her now. "I don't know what that means."
"Yeah, you're fucking mumbling."
"Dude. You. Need. To...light the books. Tell your parents. They save things."
I try to laugh quietly, but it doesn't work. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Okay. Pay tension."
"You need to arfwar."
"What is arfwar?"
Snort. "Okay." Breathe. Ready. "Okay."
"War. Of. War."
"I need to war of war?"
"NOO!" She slumps and sighs, exhausted from logic. "You neeeeeed to mapquest it. Thennyouwillunnerstand."
"Okay. G'nite, MoLinder."
"I AM MOLINDER. I AM THE TURKEY MAN. That guyz funnee."
"Drink some water."
Her head lolls. "Fuck your war."
*This is true. This morning on the bus she was all, "Oww, my arm, I need to stop working out, waaah." But I know it's because of cat hair pluckery.