Sunday, December 7, 2008

"You have to be to work early tomorrow."

See, this whole Holidaily postal obligation thing is really throwing me off. Because automatically once something is required of me, it's an assignment, and I just do not want to do it.

Like, "You have to be to work early tomorrow."

No I fucking don't, boss. I'm strolling in forty minutes late just like I do every other day. I might even stop and get myself some munchkins, just so I can tack an extra five minutes onto my lateness.

Here's the thing: no one is going to know if I'm late, because I have to open the office tomorrow. And really, what's the point of showing up late when there's no one around too afraid to reprimand you?

But anyway, there's this meeting for our board of directors, and the boss always nominates me to stay at the office to answer phones instead of hanging out at the board meeting.

I wish I could say this decision was because of my aptitude for timeliness and responsibility and the fact that when it comes to being in charge of anything other than my own sobriety, I am nonpareil. But I'm pretty sure the boss knows that before like, nine-thirty...I'm fucking useless. And he doesn't want the board members catching me napping during their speeches like last time.

They really try hard to keep me away from some of the members of the board. Once it worked in favor for us during an auction we held, because I sat around and drank with one of the younger board members (so, for Board standards, he was in his fifties) and he ended up spending like $20,000 on something worth far less. And he called the office a few days later and told me his wife was pissed and he had to charge it on multiple cards.

Then there was the time I got sent to the Cubs game to try to convince those guys to (a) buy me drinks, (b) give us money, and (c) not purchase the Cubs.

My boss willingly put me in a situation where I spoke out loud to people with enough money to buy the Chicago Cubs.

He's got balls.

And hey, it worked.



Anonymous said...

I have the same mindset... whenever there's something I have to do that is absolutely the last thing in the world I actually want to do, even if that something is something I really wanted to do five minutes ago.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that Holidaily thing sounds postal indeed.
And, personally? I would nominate you as Chair of the Board.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and why haven't I noticed that "Because I am superpsychic." thing above this comment box?
Do you KNOW I'm thinking that just now?
Do you also know I'm thinking, "She's not psych-IC, she's psych-O!"

Anonymous said...

Just know that looking for your post every day is the equivalent of opening that little cardboard door on the advent calendar when you were a kid. You, Rassles, are my waxy little piece of chocolate.

Anonymous said...

I like being at work alone; it's a bit Aspy of me, sure, but i really likes me solitudes.

Good work on that Cubs thing.

Anonymous said...

No one ever lets me near people with enough money to buy the Cubs. I can't decide whether it's cuz I flash me boobs, drop the f-bomb or fall down a lot.

paperback reader said...

I would never trust me around people with enough money to purchase tickets to a Cubs game, much less the Cubs.

Bluestreak said...

I have this problem every damn morning. No one is there to see that I arrive between 30 minutes to an hour late every single day. But it doesn't really matter, cause I still gotta turn shit in and if it doesn't get done, I have to come in on Saturday. Bastards.

I can't get up earlier than 8:00 to save my life and I need my time in the morning to have some coffee and a fucking cigarette. I've already cut my showers down to way-too-few-to-admit-on-here. And I never make my bed, so what can I do to get there on time??? And if they had dunkin donuts here I would be 10 MORE minutes late every day.

Rassles said...

Meagan: It's worse when I'm planning on doing something and then someone tells me to do it. After that, it's officially not my idea anymore, and I don't want to do it just so the other person doesn't think I did it because they suggested it. I am fucked up.

Mongo: They do call me The Boss. So I'm just like Springsteen, who's from Jersey just like Sinatra, who's the Chairman of the Board. So really it's the same thing.

Ginny: I feel like they will considerably lack in substance and heart, because I'm going to be half-assing it the whole time, like the Hulk Hogan fight in Rocky III. I need to bring it up to Mr. T speed.

Gully: I could go into the background on how sports affect my job, but I really don't feel like it.

Franki: I believe I called one of them a pussy for drinking Old Style Light, and the others all laughed and claimed me as their new favorite fan in the stands.

Pistols: Unfortunately for you, I agree with you.

Blues: I know just what you need.

Rassles said...

(this is for Blues)

Gypsy said...

It becomes a dare, doesn't it? Like, oh yeah? We'll see about that.

Anonymous said...

Not to burst your bubble Rossi, but anyone considering purchasing the Chicago Cubs is about as reckless as they come... just like you.

But then again that's why us lowly thousand-aires love you, too. :)

American in Sydney said...

yippee kai yay yeah muthafucka. Schwing.