Thursday, January 29, 2009

Agent Provocateur

The Top Five Honchos of the office are at some lame retreat today where they like, talk about the future of the organization and do trust falls and stuff, so the rest of us were like, "Wooooooo, partay."

Or you know, me and my neighboring co-worker, the Smooth Criminal, were like, "That bottle of wine has been sitting there since Christmas, and we are totally going to drink it."

However, we have no wine opener, so I spent five minutes trying to shove the cork into the bottle with my thumb. And then there was this popping sound, and then there was Chianti all over my computer screen. And the wall. And the ceiling. And like, every single piece of paper on my desk.

So then there was rummaging through cabinets for proper cleaning products, and do you know how hard it is getting red wine off of the wall?

I totally wore a pink shirt today, though, so yeah. One disaster, fucking thwarted.

And then everyone else, you know, those silly girls that had never heard of Kurt Vonnegut were all, "Oh, you're so bad, I can't believe you're drinking at work. I refuse to partake in such uncouth behavior" fucking blah blah blah. I'm like, "Seriously? Have some wine."

Apparently, the good-and-evil-shoulders of my coworkers are far, um...gooder than mine.

Whatever. Wusses.



paperback reader said...

Anti-drinking at work? Who are they, the Christian Women's Temperance Union? Eff them in the ear.

Mrs. Booms said...

My husband just did this very same thing with a bottle of Merlot at Christmas.

And it exploded and got on his dress shirt but when it stained the undershirt it ended up looking like an esophogus and lungs and now when he wears the undershirt I get a pointer out and teach my kids biology.

While drinking.

Erin Alberty said...

It's really important to keep a corkscrew at work.

Be sure to drop your coworkers during the trust fall exercise.

Anonymous said...

Jesus drank at work. He MADE wine at work. So chill, stick-in-the-mud girls.

Mrs. Booms said...

I guarantee that LL Cool Jesus drinks at work.

Anonymous said...

heeeyyyy! our bosses were at a retreat thing today too. weird. i wonder if it is in the super secret boss handbook?

derfina said...

What pussies. We used to have Chocolate Milk Fridays (which were actually white russians and mudslides) and the occasional Sonic slush with citrus vodka. Ah, the good old days.

Anonymous said...

That's exactly why I embrace
the screwtop. Much easier on the clothes,
walls and upholstery.

Mister Crowley said...

Dude, this is freaky. The same shit with the wine bottle happened to me last night!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The place my husband works has two kegs.

Anonymous said...

we don't have much in the way of good alcohol but baby we got the drugs.....

Bluestreak said...

Maybe I should have just tried drinking at work instead of quitting. Genius!

Rassles said...

Pistols: I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'm gonna try.

Boomer: One can never have too much Science.

Erin: I put one in my desk this morning, just in case.

Ginny: He made wine FOR work.

Boomer: LL Cool Jesus invented work drinking.

Gyna: There can't be a handbook anywhere here, I know every inch of this office. Goddammit, I hate super secret hiding places.

Derfina: This is what I'm saying, because everyone else drinks at work, and if I can't define myself as a lemming and a follower, than what is the point of existing at all?

Franklin: Had I purchased the wine, it would definitely have been unscrewable.

Crow: Were you also wearing a pink shirt? Because it totally saved my wardrobe.

Meagan: Your husband is a bastard. A lucky one.

Nurse: If only pills tasted like PBR...

Blues: Sometimes I think alcohol can solve all of the problems of the world, if used responsibly, and by "responsibly" I mean "by me."

The Ambiguous Blob said...

This weekend, my new roomies and I stopped for a little wine to compliment our first jacuzzi roomie meeting at an apartment complex that none of us live at any longer.
When we got to the apartment that none of us lives at any longer and realized that the one who used to live there didn't even have a goddamned corkscrew, I was in a panic.
"How well do you know your neighbors?", I asked.
"I've never even met them", he said.
Fucking typical Los Angelino. You live right fucking next door to these people- YOU SHARE WALLS! What do you mean you've never met them? Jesus H.
He knew where I was going with my line of questioning (near-panic, was going to start yelling and stomping around any second), so he got creative.
He found a screw floating around in a junk drawer and borrowed my pipe wrench (I had it in my purse- yeah, so? I carry a pipe wrench sometimes).
He screwed that screw into the cork and pulled the fucker out with the wrench, MacGyver style. It was a hero moment that I celebrated by drinking most of the bottle of wine before we even made it to the jacuzzi.
Wow, I'm long-winded today. Must be all the coffee and lack of deodorant.