Tuesday, January 27, 2009

All Clear.

I am completely incapable of writing letters at work today. I'm supposed to be drafting this entirely new acknowledgement letter for donors, and my boss wants me to use a specific quote that I just cannot logically justify, and I'm getting very frustrated, and thinking stupid ass thoughts, so I'm drafting one letter on here to clear out my head of all the fucking asinine things I can't put in an official document to our constituents.

There is a saying based off of an old Greek proverb that says, "The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade one does not expect to sit." In classrooms across the city, your generosity is providing shade to countless deserving students.

Shade that protects them from the unruly rays of the vicious sun, from our deteriorating ozone layer, preventing otherwise inevitable skin cancer. Your donation of $XXX is like SPF 137, saving children from a killer burn and multiple malignant moles (plus one for alliteration).

And those Greeks know all about the sun, hence the proverb, because it's always turned on over there. Undoubtedly they further pushed their solar agenda through Ovid and Homer, the Grecian Lucas and Spielberg, who continually illustrated that if you get too close to the sun, Zeus will fucking kill you (see Phaethon, Icarus).

But this is Chicago, not Philadelphia, so it's been gloomy for days. There's no point of pushing kids into the shade.

And Superman draws strength from the sun, and that one Roman emperor guy wrote that whole like, love-porn sonnet about the gentle caress of sunlight, and its licks of inspiration and warmth. Like I said, fucking Superman. The sun makes shit grow, man.

Keeping children in the shade is like the metaphorical equivalent of shrouding them in ignorance, encouraging them to stay indoors and shelter themselves from the frustrations of the world. That is not our goal, here at this organization. We're about growth, and educating future leaders.

So let me use a different quote, goddammit.

God, my writing lately is just fucking awful. Okay, go away now, I got all that out. Back to work.

...

12 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Okay, I was going to say, 'Maybe I'm a complete idiot' but there is no maybe about it... However I would maybe look at this quote differently in this regard.

"The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade one does not expect to sit"

To me that means, give money to kids that you don't even know so that they can grow up and see the sun or some shit instead of becoming breakdancing hobos when they are 31 because nobody ever steered them the right way. And if you just open up your damn pocketbooks then maybe, just maybe they can know if they have to be soulful hobos when they're 20 or if they have like a real future.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

Rassles said...

I mean, I know the point is, "thank you for giving us money so we can pay for shit that does not effect you directly" but I just can't get away from the whole fucking Superman thing.

Gypsy said...

Why does this remind me of something my mother always used to say? "I'm like a mushroom: people keep me in the dark and feed me shit."

Betsey Booms said...

I say go for the Superman thing.

I just wrote about Dingos in my performance review.

I think Superman will totally make people want to give them money. Chances are the people you are sending the letter to won't get it anyway.

Rob S said...

To whom it may concern,

Upon recently receiving a thank you letter form your organization, I have decided to rescind my donation. I did not realize that the money was going towards planting trees, instead of the nefarious purposes that you originally promised me it would. I do not like trees, that is why I live in a city and am a republican.

Besides, ancient Rome is way cooler than ancient Greece.

Rassles said...

Gypsy: I want to meet your mom.

Boomer: No, I can't go with the Superman thing, because if we're sheltering them from the sun they'll grow weak, like Superman. So it'll seem as if we're cultivating a crop of Lex Luthors. WORK IS MY KRYPTONITE.

Rob: Shut the fuck up, you. We're going to happy hour tomorrow, right?

Meagan said...

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with breakdancing hobos.

pistols at dawn said...

I am glad to see that I am not the only one who is incapable of writing business-type letters. Mine always end up with crap like, "You, sir, are a king among men, but just remember that America was founded on a hatred of kings, so it would be advisable for you to watch your ass."

Rassles said...

Meagan: I'm on your side, there.

Pistols: For sure. I could write my entire autobiography in the same amount of time it takes me to turn out a 300 word business letter.

Breakdancing Hobo said...

WTF?

hereinfranklin said...

I spend my days writing to people asking for money. We don't spend nearly enough time thanking them, though. At least your folks recognize that the thanking is as important as the asking.

Rassles said...

Hobo: I'm very glad you've taken up Breakdancing, because I was really sick of hearing you yell at people for not buying Streetwise.

Franklin: True. It's just all difficult.