Sunday, January 4, 2009


After a surprisingly sober fun night at Ian's Party last night (it's wierd that I have readers that won't just know what I'm referring to by dropping Ian's Party, so I feel obliged to link such things so I don't have to elaborate), I've decided to spend all day drinking in honor of my upcoming birthday. I have also decided to be the annoying girl with the Hannukah birthday (eight crazy nights) because I have every right to be.

And I've officially accepted that I will never join the twenty-seven club.

All that aside, I have no stories, because I don't feel like it, but here's another tidbit from another one of The Whores, Ammo, "The Captain."

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And this is how she feels about me:

Here is a list for my favorite list maker! Happy Birthday, Ross! (These are in no particular order, except how I am remembering them)...

p.s. I am not drunk.

1. When she broke her glasses in two pieces, she went to Starbucks. Realizing she cannot see the menu, she monocled with one lens to order a coffee. Priceless.

2. Her drunk voicemails are the best. I never thought I'd listen to an inebriated train of thought and be thoroughly entertained.

3. She taught me how to make White Russians. Now I can finally drink milk! Thanks Ross!

4. Her turkey man mass text will be one of the most epic moments I have ever had standing outside Petco checking my cell phone.

5. She is the only one that can sing a song that was meant for two people to sing. Both male and female parts and make that shit work.

6. She has a contagious laugh. You cannot be human if you don't laugh with her.

7. Her blogging is comparable to eating White Castle. You crave it, generally are drunk when you consume it, and usually feel ashamed afterwords for giving in.

8. She can make a cold night outside The Hidden Cove a lot more tolerable, with a cigarette that is.

9. She is one of the most generous, kindest and smartest people I can say is one of my friends.

10. She is the only one I can text, "I have beer", or "Let's get fucked up" and will be over in about an hour.

11. She recently taught me that wearing long sleeved sweaters, getting drunk and having your period all at the same time is a bad idea. Never thought of it!!

12. I never get tired of her dropping F-bombs in "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

13. She managed to play off Jackie Brown for Tarantino Night...and it worked.

14. She makes me feel less ashamed of saying "Fuck" or "Fucking" in every/every other sentence.

15. Her gin story makes me feel like I should cut back on the Bombay.

16. She is an interdimensional traveler, which can be helpful.

17. Feckin. That's it.

I hope this made your day. I wish you many interdimensional travels for your pub chugga choo choo! Once again I am a tool for working and missing it.

Happy Birthday!!!




Feisty Democrat said...

Hey, thanks again for guest posting for me at Eating Chicken Vindaloo! I owe you one.

Mrs. Booms said...

Dude, sorry you had to sit next to my dad on the bus.

paperback reader said...

The Captain looks disturbingly like every girl I dated during my knives/bats/new tats bike messenger girl phase.

God, those were good times. Or so I think they were. A lot of drinking and fighting was involved.

Also, just the fact that you can get your friends to write things is a testament to your epic-ness. My friends would scrawl "you're tubular" on a cocktail napkin five minutes after I reminded them they hadn't turned anything in.

Anonymous said...

pistols at die.

aside from that, awesome whore captain B-day tribute.

paperback reader said...

Captain, please allow me to rephrase: the Captain looks like the kind of girl I always wished I could date during my numerous phases which always involved pale imitations of her that ultimately left me cold.

Also, the one specific ex-bike messenger I'm thinking of was easily The Prettiest Girl I've Lived With.

No? I'm still going to die? What if I complement you making "monocled" into a verb?

Still with the death? Well, then, you're definitely unlike the girls I dated, because you follow through.

Rassles said...

Math: You're so welcome...I don't think I've ever captured myself so perfectly by acting through another.


Pistols: I'm starting to get the impression that there are very few girls you haven't dated.

Ammo: I know, some people are just really really good at talking about me, and you're one of them.

Pistols again: Trying to get on Ammo's good side? Luck with that.

paperback reader said...

Rassles, I don't think I've ever ended up on a woman's good side, but I felt like I'd make an effort to get on the non-punched side. You know, just to mix it up.

Anonymous said...

"Captain looks like the kind of girl I always wished I could date during my numerous phases which always involved pale imitations of her that ultimately left me cold."


Aside from that, I am liking the "captain" sans whore prefix. Makes me feel like I should command the Motherwhoreship. (why did I not think of that during LBK days). Guess I had too many dead brain cells from Amy's soco shots.

Anonymous said...

First of all, i am more jealous than ever of people who get to know you in real life.

Second, my life will not be complete until I've heard you sing a duet by yourself. (Start learning "Islands in the Stream", won't you?)

Third, check yo Hotmail.

Rassles said...

Pistols: Change is good.

Ammo: If you're gonna command the Motherwhoreship, I call dibs on being your ExO.

Ginny: Okay, I might be able to pull that off. Kenny Rogers I got down, but Dolly is a little harder to pull off. But only because it was written by Barry Gibb.

Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday!

P.S. F bombs in Total Eclipse of the Heart? There are no words. And it's not just the cold medicine.