Friday, January 16, 2009

The Drastic Mistake of This City

As whole, I think superstitions are bullshit. But I've got my own little irrational notions that I've proved in my head with very unstable, unscientific methods. Basically, it involves a certain conviction of opinion: once you solidify an idea, and then doubt it for a second, luck wills that worry into existence.

You know what I mean. I completely jinx things. Something along the lines of, "Dude, I need a Dr. Pepper like how Bush needs to be pelted with shoes. Pull over at that Taco Bell."

Then whoever is driving says, "Do they have Dr. Pepper there?"

"Of course they do, Pepsi products, man." And then I fear, for a fraction, that they won't. Inevitably, that fear becomes reality, and I'm informed that this is the only Taco Bell that does not carry Dr. Pepper.

It's like when you meet a guy who can keep up with whatever Who's on First? routine you're pitching that day, and instead of introducing you to his girlfriend as "this hilarious girl," he actually seems single, and interested in you. And then Gyna yells "make out" several times, as if we're in college, and it doesn't scare him away.

So you later tell Gyna, "That guy is frakkin' awesome. Seriously, he dominates. And honestly? I think he actually likes me," but then it hits you, "But he prolly doesn't."

"Oh, shut the fuck up and just go back there and talk to him," Gyna whines, "and MAKE OUT." So you meander back over to him, and sho' nuff, he starts asking you probing, relationship-seeking questions *about one of your Hot Friends.

So what I'm trying to say is this: Fuck you, Chicago, and all of your peoples.

Because the weekend after Christmas, it was sixty goddamn degrees outside. And collectively, the citizens of Chicago woke up, smiled, and thought, "I cannot believe how warm it is. I am so glad it's not cold today. Oh, please don't get much colder. I am optimistic that our remaining winter weather situation will mirror these current atmospheric conditions. This is crazy awesome. But it prolly won't last..."

And the gods of luck heard this sincere cry of sanctity and surprise and said, "Well, let's give them another incredulous kick in the balls" and spent the next three weeks mustering up this insane cold-as-balls front to throw over the city.

So that's why, today, in this fine city, it is NEGATIVE NINETEEN DEGREES WITH A NEGATIVE FORTY WIND CHILL.

I have places to walk today, man. And I like the cold. Not this, though.

Yeah. Like I said. Fuck you, Chicago. Never do that shit again.

...


*This is a very common tactic that dudes employ, befriending me, so when they go after the Hot Friends, I encourage the hook up. Don't think I don't know, you dickheads. Of course, the problem with this is, after so many occurrences I'm completely jaded, and I automatically assume all guys want one of the Hot Friends and throw up an instant emotional shield, thereby thoroughly blocking any chance I had with someone who actually wants to talk to me.

...

18 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

I'm totally living the same cold existence today and it blows.

And guys do that shit ALL THE TIME. One time when I was in high school, I had a guy as me how I could be friends with one of my friends he said, "I don't even know how you get out of bed in the morning knowing that YOU have to stand next her and her hotness."

Nice.

Ellie Maybe said...

That happens to me ALL the time with tall Emily and Leilani. Only the problem is, if men talk to me in a bar and haven't bought me a drink within ten minutes, I instantly hate them and will tell all available friends what a cheap douchebag he is until he is so uncomfortable he leaves the fucking bar. Oh, and I love it when people ask me how tall Emily is. "Not to tall to overlook that ugly face. Sorry, buddy."

*end rant*

btw, I would totally date you if one or both of us were actually lesbians. It'd be sweet and we could make men everywhere REALLY uncomfortable together. We both seem to be so good at that!

mongoliangirl said...

It is fuckin' COLD here. Probably 'cause everybody kept talking about how the warm stuff couldn't last. And now our pipes are fuckin' frozen and I had to get a bucket of water from the horse water and pour it into the toilet to flush the kids I dropped off at the pool and that shit still won't go down.
And - I hope you knock it off with those walls you throw up because I would totally make out with you and date you if I wasn't straight and married.

pistols at dawn said...

I think this is nature telling us it doesn't care what we do, it will do its damnedest to kill us before we kill it. So it is on, nature.

Also, I suggest making sure your friends are either married or unappealing. Though as a grown man, I tend to go talk to the girl I'm actually interested in, instead of doing the second-grade end around of, "Does yr friend think I'm cute?"

renalfailure said...

Does that even work? Getting in good with someone so you can hook up with their hotter friend? That sounds like when people go on dating sites or Craigslist and say up front that they want anal on the first date. The tactic obviously worked once for someone... or else no one would try it.

Erin said...

stink. we WANT cold and snow here in skimountainland. and i just went outside barefoot.

maybe a doomed dr. pepper quest will undo the jinx.

gyna said...

ok well first off i would like to say that this doubt thing is totally true for the cta- especially the milwaukee bus. it thrives on doubt so it doesn't have to show up and i freeze.

secondly, i am also always normally the gateway girl to the hot friends as well- i like to think of it is a crappy gift from the universe.

thirdly, maybe you would get the guy if you listened to me when i said makeout the first time.

MoLinder said...

i agree with gyna 100% - on every point (although i'd like to substitute the division bus for milawaukee)
dude, bsg tonight!
oh yeah - fuck the cold! this shit is ridiculous. i can't believe i'm geeked out about the forecast for saturday - 20 degrees!

prayingtodarwin said...

You break what's left of my shrivelled, black heart.

I knew Owen was the one when he met "The Hot Girl" from my high school, shrugged his shoulders, said "meh". Those dudes are out there, too. They're usually friends with the douchebags, rolling their eyes at their friends general douchiness. Keep your eyes peeled.

Cynnie said...

nature hates ya'll :)

its nice and toasty here..but then again this is the isla de encanto..

I'm always the buddy ..men like me , aways want to marry and impregnate my idiot friends, then drink beer and play xbox with me :(

Rassles said...

Boomer: Today, though? Today it's twenty degrees and wonderful. A forty degree change in twenty-four hours. Delicious. (ps: fucking dudes.)

Eli: If I were a lesbian, you would probably be my first choice. Or M.E. Because she's got experience.

Mongo: Our pipes nearly froze, and that would have sucked more than a saber-toothed rabbit.

Pistols: You'd think that men would grow balls and employ that tactic themselves, but I guess no one ever outgrows the playground.

RF: It works if you do it right. Some of those guys are dating and/or married to my friends right now.

Erin: Utah is sans the chill? That's just a fucking shame. Because you have the best snow in the world, if you listen to commercials.

Gyna: You're far to knowledgeable for someone with such massive boobs.

MoLinder: Meeleewaukay

Ginny: Oh, that wasn't meant to be heartbreaking, just an example of me jinxing shit. Seriously, it was cold as fuck yesterday.

Cynnie: You love it and you know it.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

You need to get some ugly friends.
Also, I have no sympathy for your situation with the cold in frakking Chicago. You choose to live in that place. Man, I wouldn't even go near the middle part of the US in the winter. Fuck that noise.

Rassles said...

Ambiblob: But I just don't like looking at them as much.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Oh, Rassles. All I have to add to this is, story of my life.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with people? By people, I mean men, and the friends who fall over that shit. If some guy came up to my friend and started talking to them, making us all think he was interested in her and then asked about me? I'd tell him to get a pair and go away, I'm not interested in little boys*. Fucktard.

*That situation never happens to me, it's usually the other way around and my stupid friends eat that shit up, get a number, and go on awkward first dates only to find out he sucks. Really? I find that shocking.

Gypsy said...

It's even cold down here in FLA. Well, cold for the Sunshine State anyway.

Also, boys are stupid.

Bluestreak said...

Those guys need ball-kickin'.

Bluestreak said...

I like to think the jinxes for me work the opposite way. Like if I start thinking I might

get hit by lightning
get cancer
get robbed
etc

if I think it then it can't happen, right? that would just be too weird a coincidence...right???

Rassles said...

Mount: For sure. Alhtough, my friends usually don't go out with them. They're all, "If Ross says he's a dbag, then he's a dbag."

Gypsy: Ha. Cold in Florida. I laugh at your chill. And yes, they are definitely stupid.

Blues: I don't know, man. When people worry about shit all the time, it comes true.