Saturday, January 10, 2009

LifeStiles

I am getting sick and tired of all the people coming up to me and knocking on Faux Stiles.

Obviously, they don't understand. Stiles is not a man, per say. There is no "original" or "faux" in the land of Stiles. He is not merely a character in the Teen Wolf series. Stiles is a way of life.

Without Stiles, would we have ironic slogan t-shirts? Would we go surfing on top of our vans? Would we sunbathe indoors atop blow-up alligators to the glint of tin-foiled Monopoly boards? Would we be as offended when bitches refer to us as "dogs" when we randomly get all anthropomorphically hormonal while waltzing with hot co-eds?

Without Stiles, would we ever truly be able to encourage the wolf within ourselves?

Nay, I tell you. NAY. Stiles would chant, "All you gotta do is be the wolf, and I'll take care of the rest."

Stiles brings out the lively, shady lycanthrope in all of us. And then, if we're weak enough to submit to the beast (and we are), Stiles is the man to ground us, to help us actualize the honorable side of the wolf, the useful, good-natured, fun-loving side. The side that lets us sing "Do You Love Me" at college parties and inspires synchronized group dances. The side that montages to Oingo Boingo.

Let's pull in another movie. Imagine you're a werewolf, specifically the guy from the second season of Twin Peaks, whose name I do not remember. Gary Busey and a paraplegic Corey Haim are threatening you around town with a silver bullet. You only have one eye, because Gary Busey was all drunk and shot a rocket at your head.

If Stiles were there, he would flat out call you a jerk, talk you down from your crazed wolf state, help you ride off into the sunset in the headmaster's corvette, and then fire a "What are you looking at, Dicknose?" when Haim wheels by with his shotgun, oblivious to your smooth getaway. Stiles can fucking do anything.

But you have no Stiles to save your ass, and instead you're shot in the other eye by a snotty kid in a wheelchair. Fucking Coreys.

What would have happened to Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too if he had no Stiles at his side, regardless of whether he was Original or Faux? Could you imagine that disastrous hypothetical boxing match, where Bateman claws and bites his opponent to death instead of winning honestly and getting a lot of free popcorn from his adoring fans?

Granted, Stiles wanted the wolf to come out that time (man, inconsistency is a harlot). So it could also be argued that Stiles is the worst friend ever and has no concern for your well-being unless it profits himself, but fuck that. Stiles cares.

Whatever, my point is, Stiles is a man to be celebrated and revered. For shame, all you anti-Stileses. For shame.

To the Whores: you guys are all my Stileses. You ruin my life, call me a jerk, and then make it better.

I need to go to bed now, because the Stella is nearly gone and I have Pub Chugga Chugga Choo Choo tomorrow. Or today. Shit.

...

11 comments:

MoLinder said...

ok fine, stiles is a way of life. how 'bout this - the second stiles still sucks ass. he doesn't have any of the charm or charisma of the first. therefore, in my mind, he is a faux stiles.

Betsey Booms said...

Dude, you've totally turned me. I'm on the Stiles wagon regardless of the actor that plays this solidly awesome character.

My husband had a little bit of an issue with you claiming that a drunk Busey shot the werewolf in the eye with the rocket. He claims it was fucking Corey. Whatever.

This is not a Busey/Wheelchair bound Haim debate this is Original/Faux stiles debate which I now clearly understand does not truly exist. He's just Stiles and he is damn near a Messiah.

And truly, we don't use the term "dicknose" near enough.

Now let's discuss Boof.

Rassles said...

MoLinder: You know what? Fuck Bonnie Bedelia.

Boomer: Stiles fucking rules. And tell your husband he's right: it definitely was Corey. Shit. I need to watch that movie again.

Rassles said...

Speaking of Boof: do you think it could be argued that Teen Wolf had more aptly named characters than any other talking picture in the history of talking pictures?

(except for Buffy)

Oh, and I really should not drink and blog. I don't even understand what I wrote anymore.

Gypsy said...

Stiles crops up all over, not just in werewolf movies, although I guess you could say that Sirius is Lupin's Stiles in the Harry Potter world, but that's neither here nor there.

What I'm getting at is Drew Boreman is a Stiles, as is Mike Damone, and Mouth (or Teddy Duchamp), and Fred Bailey, and for that matter Gary Wallace. Stiles is your friend without whom you would never have any fun, but then also never get into any trouble, and likely never get laid or create a woman out of a magazine and bras on your head, but you can't really trust him, not really, not until it's really down to the wire. He'll bring you your wallet when you're on a date, but then he'll fuck your date and get her pregnant. But he'll also make you go to that party where you meet the hot Valley girl, and he'll egg you into looking for pirate treasure or a dead body.

Rassles said...

Gypsy, that was perfection.

And I'm ashamed, grossly ashamed to admit this, because I know the Zappa song, and everyone's always telling me to watch it...

Crap.

I have never seen Valley Girl.

I know.

pistols at dawn said...

I gotta say, I'm with MoLinder on this one. Faux Stiles eats it. The real Stiles asks you questions that permeate your soul, like, "You aren't a fag, are you?"

It was a different time.

Rassles said...

But...but...he does creepy nose crinkles, and has a mullet. Regardless of actor, Stiles is Stiles is Stiles.

Betsey Booms said...

So I just went back and read all your comments answering my comments because I never realized that you actually do that and it seems it's because I'm the first one here a lot, which makes my life appear awesome.

But I wanted to commented on how ironic it is that you said you shouldn't drink and blog anymore, because on this very day that I commented on here, I was indeed pretty bombed which is why I bothered to correct your Busey misstep.

Bluestreak said...

"Would we be as offended when bitches refer to us as "dogs" when we randomly get all anthropomorphically hormonal while waltzing with hot co-eds?"

most awesomest rhetorical question by rassles maybe ever.

Rassles said...

Boomer: I have no problem with you commenting first, because you always have something fantastic to say. Drunkenly, perhaps, but always fantastic.

Blues: Well, thank you. It works because it's true.