I am getting sick and tired of all the people coming up to me and knocking on Faux Stiles.
Obviously, they don't understand. Stiles is not a man, per say. There is no "original" or "faux" in the land of Stiles. He is not merely a character in the Teen Wolf series. Stiles is a way of life.
Without Stiles, would we have ironic slogan t-shirts? Would we go surfing on top of our vans? Would we sunbathe indoors atop blow-up alligators to the glint of tin-foiled Monopoly boards? Would we be as offended when bitches refer to us as "dogs" when we randomly get all anthropomorphically hormonal while waltzing with hot co-eds?
Without Stiles, would we ever truly be able to encourage the wolf within ourselves?
Nay, I tell you. NAY. Stiles would chant, "All you gotta do is be the wolf, and I'll take care of the rest."
Stiles brings out the lively, shady lycanthrope in all of us. And then, if we're weak enough to submit to the beast (and we are), Stiles is the man to ground us, to help us actualize the honorable side of the wolf, the useful, good-natured, fun-loving side. The side that lets us sing "Do You Love Me" at college parties and inspires synchronized group dances. The side that montages to Oingo Boingo.
Let's pull in another movie. Imagine you're a werewolf, specifically the guy from the second season of Twin Peaks, whose name I do not remember. Gary Busey and a paraplegic Corey Haim are threatening you around town with a silver bullet. You only have one eye, because Gary Busey was all drunk and shot a rocket at your head.
If Stiles were there, he would flat out call you a jerk, talk you down from your crazed wolf state, help you ride off into the sunset in the headmaster's corvette, and then fire a "What are you looking at, Dicknose?" when Haim wheels by with his shotgun, oblivious to your smooth getaway. Stiles can fucking do anything.
But you have no Stiles to save your ass, and instead you're shot in the other eye by a snotty kid in a wheelchair. Fucking Coreys.
What would have happened to Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too if he had no Stiles at his side, regardless of whether he was Original or Faux? Could you imagine that disastrous hypothetical boxing match, where Bateman claws and bites his opponent to death instead of winning honestly and getting a lot of free popcorn from his adoring fans?
Granted, Stiles wanted the wolf to come out that time (man, inconsistency is a harlot). So it could also be argued that Stiles is the worst friend ever and has no concern for your well-being unless it profits himself, but fuck that. Stiles cares.
Whatever, my point is, Stiles is a man to be celebrated and revered. For shame, all you anti-Stileses. For shame.
To the Whores: you guys are all my Stileses. You ruin my life, call me a jerk, and then make it better.
I need to go to bed now, because the Stella is nearly gone and I have Pub Chugga Chugga Choo Choo tomorrow. Or today. Shit.