Saturday, January 3, 2009

Little Red

In honor of my birthday, which is coming up in three days, I'm having The Whores write little snippets on the fly about me for my blog.

In case you were unaware, and you probably are, some of my friends and I call ourselves The Whores. We all bonded over being obsessed with live band karaoke (as if you haven't yet gleaned that I'm completely engrossed in it) and that escalated into obscene, overpowering friendships where we constantly embarass, esteem, and enliven each other.

We used to spend all of our time at a certain bar, and some douchebag put up a post on Craigslist's missed connections one day about us.  This post was from "the MAN at the bar" (Mothers) to "the whores" that were setting back the standards of womanhood by getting drunk and being unladylike in general.   Which is amazing. You know what it's like when you get seven bold personalities together, people who are completely unafraid as long as they're with each other? That's what it's like. I don't know if I know of any group of women that are as intelligent, independent, hilarious, and in control as The Whores.  Well, when you're out of control on purpose, you're still in control, right?

The ridiculous part about that?  He was hitting on us all night and we kept shooting him down, which is why he was so angry.  Also, he neglected to mention that not a single one of us hooked up with anyone at the bar, and that we were with a bunch of dudes, too. 

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They better not care that I'm putting a picture of us up here. I tried to pick a cleaner one, even though this was nearly two years ago (on Rabbit Night) and M.E. is dressed up like a vibrator. I was going to be Bunnicula, but I just completely failed. And Jesus, my hair is long.

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The following was written by Xtine (Little Red) former roommate and lead singer of a band currently on hiatus that I horribly, sloppily played in a couple years ago. She does a mean "Jolene" and an even better "Run to the Hills," but her best songs are the ones that she wrote herself.

Ross has what would be characterized to some as a "naughty laugh." And by "some" I mean everyone, but especially British guys who have no shot. The day Rahm Emanuel got posted I texted her saying she must be in love, first because he's hot, and second because nobody is happier to know you have her in mind than Ross. This is in part because she is an accredited life ruiner and wants to control your mind, but that's usually not bad because it means she will get you hooked on Heroes or something equally awesome. Best roomie ever, worst pool partner ever, bag/costume-maker extraordinaire, Bo Peep, big big boobies, and she can do a mean Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Oh, and she's kinesthetic. What more?



paperback reader said...

Awesome. I now have a life plan: move to Chicago, dress like a girl in a reverse Just One of the Guys scenario (but hopefully better than the Corey Haim rip-off flick, Just One of the Girls), and infiltrate the Whores.

And then drink a lot and learn how to sing karaoke.

Kitty said...

"she is an accredited life ruiner and wants to control your mind"

I just peed my pants. I can't stop laughing.

Mrs. Booms said...

Is it wrong to comment on anything else other than the fact that I freaking loved Bunnicula as a kid?

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

oh my god, rabbit night. I think that was a dry night. (dry meaning...bed).

We are mostly in control except for when some of us piss the bed. I suppose bringing an air mattress along is a way of being in control. hah.

hahaha your word verification thingy was "shmens"

Anonymous said...

oh...and btw, that carrot is still fucking soaked.

Rassles said...

Pistols: Oh, it'll be just like Tootsie. And Some Like It Hot. And Sorority Boys. And Mrs. Doubtfire. And The Missouri Breaks. And Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. And every single episode of Kids In The Hall.

Kitty: I really, really do ruin lives.

Booms: It is never wrong to admit to a love for Bunnicula, because it is the best book EVER.

Ammo: That carrot was in more mouths than your tits.

Anonymous said...

"Ammo: That carrot was in more mouths than your tits"

Best quote ever. Bugs Bunny would be proud.

Rassles said...

Ammo: It's the truth, man. Oh, deepthroat contests are the best.

Speaking of deepthroating, I think Xtine meant "synaesthetic." Like when I get all fuckled when M.E. smells blue (I don't know how she does it, but she smells blue).

American in Sydney said...

Omigod I'm trying to read all these awesome posts from the whores while trying to feel my kids dinner-- this is so wrong. I'll have to wait until they are in bed to muddle my way thru all this!