Thursday, January 8, 2009


I totally didn't go into work today, because I am sick as fuck, and it's far more important for me to rest up and be healthy for Pub Chugga Chugga Choo Choo on Saturday than it is for me to, like, work and stuff.

So I got lucky with making people write things about me, because I don't have to put any work into blogging. Just cut and paste, beeotch.

Today I'd like to welcome M.E. to the stage, "The Pink Bat." One of my oldest and dearest, humble and modest and completely and totally full of herself. And for some reason, with better game than like, anyone I've ever met. Be careful. This one is long, because M.E. doesn't only love me, but she loves herself.

Happy Birthday!!! Smooches!!!

I have known Rassles for almost 10 years now in many different capacities. She is one of my best friends that I met freshman year in college and has always supported me and somehow manages to tell me things about myself before I even have the chance to realize them. Rassles underestimates herself and the inspiration she offers to me and others around us. She has always been the one to document our friends' shenanigans, whether it's with a video camera, pictures, or her blog. That's why I feel so compelled to return the favor by adding to her birthday blog with a recap of memories of '08 with Rassles. I love you, Rassles!

1) We started off 2008 with the infamous Pub Chugga Choo Choo, the most insane day-long commitment to drinking and debauchery. Ross is a genius because she came up with the idea and keeps the tradition going every few months. I swear if she applied the intricate planning and detail that go into this event to her career, she could easily run her own company. And anyone who combines our friends with a train and a pub crawl is brave. It brings all of our friends together--it's the one party where both city and suburban folk come together and can truly have a good time. I'm not sure if it's the ridiculous amounts of alcohol or the novelty of riding the train all day with 30 friends or all of the possibilities that seem to present themselves throughout the day. Whatever it is, the pub chugga chugga choo choo is magical.

2) In my opinion, the most surprising thing Rassles did this year was to get a tattoo, a comic she used to draw as a kid. I just never thought I'd see the day and I expected more build up to it. If I ever pictured her with a tattoo, I would've never picture it to be on her forearm. But that's just how it happened...she showed up at my house one day, rolled up her sleeve and was like, "dude, Debbie gave me a tattoo last night."

3) Rassles was great for putting up with me as I went through a painful breakup this summer. Even though she dealt with my endless agony for a few months straight, she always lent a helpful ear when I needed it. It all came to a climax the night when she blacked out and yelled at me for about an hour about how stupid I was being and how my ex was even stupider. I think she even told me she wanted to slap me.

4) As if I don't hate American Girl dolls enough, I think the most terrifying moment of 2008 for me was seeing Rassles and two of my friends dressed as the American Girl dolls while holding their respective twin dolls. It gave me the heebie jeebies.

5) One of my favorite nights with Rassles this year was when we went to see NKOTB. I offered her my free ticket because I knew she didn't have any money and even more importantly, I knew she wouldn't be afraid to act like a kid with me. We definitely turned into a couple of schoolgirls that night. I witnessed her nearly faint when we saw Donnie sing his solo. Later that night, we met a guy named Kevin at a dive bar and by some stroke of fate, drank a bottle of wine with him until the wee hours of the morning while he told us his life story.

6) I brought her to Ben Folds, another free ticket I thought she could use. The show was a lot tamer than his normal live stuff, and Rassles left really pissed off because all she saw were lame couples making out all night. For a second, I thought she might join the angry hipster fight we saw outside the show. She just wanted to dance the whole night away, but there was no dancing in sight.

7) I'm surprisingly still friends with her even though we had a bit of a falling out this summer. She was supposed to bring our blankets for camping but didn't. All I had to sleep with was a tarp. Ross is very reliable for things like bringing the best bloody mary ingredients in town, but then sometimes forgets essentials like blankets. She ruins my life.

8) Rassles helped me get through some of my most boring days at the office by getting me addicted to Typeracer, an online game where you compete to see who can type a paragraph fastest. I never thought that typing alone could make me sweat. I am secretly competitive, as I'm learning Rassles and most of our friends are too, so this game was perfect.

9) I went through a phase of suggesting off the wall part-time jobs for Rassles because I knew she was looking for some extra cash. I suggested some jobs I was finding on Craigslist for movie reviewers and store promotions and other things but best of all, sent her a link for porn reviewers. After she was seriously considering it and she was telling people she reviewed porn for a living, we found out it was just another stupid moneymaking scam. Lame! I really had envisioned her getting a lot of free porn and all the whores gathering to drink beers on a regular basis to watch the awful titles that she was working on that week.

10) When the whole porn reviewing thing fell through, my next idea was for her to take a stab at being a standup comedian. After sitting through some painful open mic performances, I knew Rassles would have what it takes to be better than any of the acts I had seen. That dream kind of died when I tried to introduce her to open mic standup night. The problem was, the bar ended it the week before without me knowing...I still think standup comedy would be a great fit for Rassles. Her naughty laugh alone would captivate the audience. Or even if she just got up there and read her daily blog out loud, she would definitely steal the spotlight.



Rassles said...

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I still tell people that I review porn.

Yeah. Totally.

My word verification is "thracity" which I am probably going to start saying.

Anonymous said...

haha M.E. my blog ruled more than yours. booyah.

Rassles said...

It's not a competition, you gits.

Obviously, we've learned that it if anything, people don't like it when I have my friends stroke my massive ego.

They'll have to deal for one more day. Suckers.

Anonymous said...

I don't care if it's not supposed to be a competition. I win and that's all that matters.

paperback reader said...

I like this group of friends of yours, and would consider ditching my own friends for them if only you all didn't live so far away (read: more than a block from my house).

Anonymous said...

This isn't BLK biatches. We aren't competing for best blog.

(although I think M.E. and Gyna are head to head right now)

Anonymous said...

You hookers have nothin on me...NOTHING

Anonymous said...

YES. I finally figured out how to comment. You have no idea what this means...

Rassles said...

Why don't you guys just all go make out with each other?

Anonymous said...

hahaha me and ME are head to head huh? why do i think that is dirty at 10 AM?

because i am a sad, sad person- that's why.

ps- i SO win, i have pics

Anonymous said...

I still haven't seen Amy's nipples yet.

Anonymous said...

dude whatevs ammo. i dominate M.E. and she knows it. however, i would like to say that although ross is a complete life ruiner, M.E. is even worse. i totally puked in paul's apt and then puked all day after hanging out with her.
oh M.E., i would totally marry you, but I'm not a lez. and no, i'm not afraid of gay people. only you.

Rassles said...

Gyna: So technically, with the whole amount of words that pictures are worth, yours was the longest, and therefore the best.

Ammo: They are elusive as all get out.

MoLinder: That was the worst day of your life.