Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Parents Are Fucktards

Out of all of the people I'm forced to speak to throughout the day, parents are by far and away the fucking worst.

Parents are the most demanding, unappreciative, disagreeable, deluded individuals on the planet. In every other aspect of their lives they could be acute, inspiring individuals with superhero powers and lives full of WIN, where they save hundreds of Dalmatian puppies from rich old ladies scouting for coats and stuff.

But as parents, you are all fucktards.

Your children are perfect, and you call to tell me so and demand money. Because she made the honor role once, and this other time she scored a goal in Park District soccer, and he babysits his neighbors for free, and he made a styrofoam solar system mobile that was more creative than all the other styrofoam solar system mobiles in class.

Eventually, during this swindling cataloging of the fascinating mediocrity of your child, I cut you off so you shut the hell up, because I'm sure your son is a wonderful child, but you're asking for a financial assistance at a school we don't support. We only give money to Chicago inner-city schools.

Oh, you knew that.

So you read our website. Good for you…but your son does not want to go to an inner-city school since you live in the suburbs.

That’s fine. I’ll sit here and snicker while you contemplate the weight of your words. You gotta lotta nerve, calling an organization that specializes in giving money to low-funded schools within Chicago's city limits and demanding we cut checks and dish out money to your individual family, while you are aware of our single requirement for assistance (attend one of our schools) and refuse to meet it.

But your son is the steadfast exception to every rule and gospel. I get it.

Then I apologize for being so short with you, because I know you truly believe you are Almighty, but I have this exact same conversation multiple times a day from parents in similar situations and mindsets. You are not unique. You are just like every other parent.

Good luck. That's the best I can give you

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19 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

As a parent I can say that it's pretty much having kids that made me into a fucktard.

And drugs, lots of drugs.

mongoliangirl said...

Parents like that? I admit I always relish it when their kids are something like 18 and can barely tie their own shoes because they got all the information they needed during their one semester of being on the honor roll.

pistols at dawn said...

But seriously - my kid once got a B. On a really tough math test. And in a way, a spiritual/metaphysical way, aren't we all technically "in Chicago?" Cosmically?

Kitty said...

What, no Obama post?

You wrote the very best Obama post on election day. And you know, there were a lot of them.

prayingtodarwin said...

This has been one of my front -burner issues lately. Parents who teach their kids that the rules don't apply to them. Then we all wonder why society is going to shit.

That being said (and as much as I love rules), if my kid was dying, I'd claw, bite, scratch, and step over anybody on a transplant list. But school vouchers? That's crap.

nursemyra said...

It's the adult children that piss me off in my profession.

"Of course your aged mother can be exempt from paying fees - you're special and I'm delighted to be able to break the rules for you"

Rassles said...

Boomer: I know. I'm sure of it. All you parents are the same. You're wonderful, amazing people, and then you breed and suck the joy out of life. And the drugs.

Mongo: Seriously. Let your kids do some shit for themselves, too. Otherwise they're just going to move back home after college. Just like I did.

Pistols: Nice. And I'm sure that math teacher was a real tough old broad who rarely dishes out the good grades, and when she handed your kid the graded test she winked too (right?) and said, "Good job this time, Pistols Jr."

Kitty: Sorry, and thanks. But you know this is something wrong when complaining about work is more prevalent in my brain than a moment in Capital-H History.

Ginny: Exactly. I mean, I understand. Fight for your kids. Of course. But really?

Nurse: Exactly. They assume that there are no other aged mothers whose children want their fees waived. Fuckers.

Betsey Booms said...

I think you have that wrong.

We breed and then they (kids) suck the life out of our vaginas.

Mathdude said...

I hate people like that.

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Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Um, I was wondering-- since my child has been reading since he was four years old and is a computer whiz who types emails to his grandparents with no help, and did I mention that he eats sushi and is gorgeous, so can you please give me da money?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

People sure think they're special. My mom always tells me I'm special, but she means it like I'm developmentally disabled. It's cruel really.

formerly fun said...

Oh but my kids are special, perfect even and had I known you were in a position to give them $, I would have commented a lot more. Wait, I'm a fucktard too but it's all about da rules in this house. Yo yo yo, rules in da ho-ouse.

formerly fun said...

Oh but my kids are special, perfect even and had I known you were in a position to give them $, I would have commented a lot more. Wait, I'm a fucktard too but it's all about da rules in this house. Yo yo yo, rules in da ho-ouse.

formerly fun said...

Ok, clear indication that I'm a fucktard is that I apparently can't stop hitting publish.

Rassles said...

Boomer: I stand corrected. Or blog corrected. Yes. That's correct.

Math: For sure. They're probably very lovely people, unless they're calling me.

Flora: I will blacklist you, for that. And unfortunately, I'm afraid Australia is slightly out of our zone.

Ambiblob: But she means it out of love, of course. As in, "Oh, honey, I love you even though you're special."

FF: I WILL GIVE YOU NO MONEY.

FF: I WILL GIVE YOU NO MONEY.

FF: Dammit. Me too. The hitting publish thing. Which would make more sense, if these weren't all condensed in the same goddamn comment. So, you know. I'm a fucktard too.

Mister Crowley said...

On the point of parenting...

http://xkcd.com/531/

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Shit. This sounds like a job I once had, except that I worked for child support enforcement. And the person calling would bitch nonstop about their miserable excuse for a sperm/egg donor.

Okay, basically the only similarity was that people wanted me to give them money.

Gypsy said...

What greedy little bastards.

Bluestreak said...

This pisses me off.

Kind of like how people think it's fair that property taxes should fund schools, meaning that the big nice houses get kick ass schools and the shitty apartment complex neighborhoods get shitty schools.