Friday, January 30, 2009

Three Coins

1. After cracking open that wine and cleaning up all of the splatters on my desk (there are stains like, all over my bulletin board. I've got this glorious picture of Burt Ward and Adam West up there and now it's all speckled. Lame.) me and the Smooth Criminal had a glass (and by "a" I mean "several" and by "glass" I mean "dixie cup"), but we did not finish the bottle. Luckily, it occurred to us that we might get in trouble if we left an open, half empty (half full?) bottle of Chianti sitting on my desk with a cork floating sheepishly around within.

So I resolved to take the wine home. Grabbed a rubber glove from the cleaning supplies, wrapped it around the mouth of the bottle and rubberbanded the fuck out of it. I now had a to-go container. Take that, bus.

2. So I get home, change into some comfy pants and start making dinner and finishing that bottle, when MoLinder comes home all pissy, so I let her take my car to go buy booze.

3. While she is pulling out of my rock star parallel parking spot, some jackass backs into the Honda and fucks up my bumper.

4. Fucker drives away. White truck, silver bumper, license plate begins with X. This is all of the information we have. If anyone sees this truck, anywhere, Chicago, Spain, Florida, I don't give a shit, teach that fucker a lesson. Carry around a towel, so you can wrap your fist in it before you punch through his fucking driver's side window.

5. MoLinder buys me a couple of 25 oz Trois Pistoles to make up for it, because she knows it's like, my favorite. Kind of a cliche favorite, I know, but fuck you, it tastes like someone bottled up laughter and fear and called it a beer.

6. We get fucking hammered and watch Max Payne, which was really, really not that good, but I really don't care because I love all things Wahlberg.

7. If anyone has any quarters, I call dibbs, because I really need to do laundry.

8. Oh, and I was asked to write a review for Ask And Ye Shall Receive, if anyone wants to check it out. The links within the review are all screwy though, I think.

...

14 comments:

Gypsy said...

"it tastes like someone bottled up laughter and fear and called it a beer"

You are kind of an evil genius.

Your review rocked.

And was the Wahlberg at all naked in the film? Because that would make it worth it.

mongoliangirl said...

Nice review over at ASK miss THANG. However, I'm having to take a mental health month due to having been exposed to both you and ASK in the very same place. It was just too much.
Oh, and we've got the month of April set aside for you to come down and let loose in our yard with a chain saw.

Bluestreak said...

nice review over at ask. i admit, i too, almost got whiplash from being rasslefied and asked at once.

if i see that assholes truck over here i'll kick his ass. A truck in Spain would really stand out.

MoLinder said...

Even though you did not discuss our stupid yelling about natural selection and survival of the fitteest, i thought i'd share the following. because it seemed appropriate. and so true.

Well you see, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Betsey Booms said...

Ooooh, an AAYSR review - is is full of laughter and fear and even beer?

I'm typing on my new mini laptop and I feel giant and physically challenged.. if not mentally.

gullybogan said...

I think i saw that truck. Did it have a ladder on top? When i saw it, it was reverse parking onto a school crossing while the lollypop lady indignantly smacked its side with her lollypop. He seemed to be affected by some sort of beer, as he appeared to be full of both laughter and fear at the time.

derfina said...

I'm on the lookout. And I love the brain cell argument MoLinder presented!

Mister Crowley said...

Holy popping corks, Fratman!

nursemyra said...

Damn! wish you'd been my reviewer at AAYSR... I'd have been way more inclined to listen to your advice

Gwen Jackson said...

Awesome, from beginning to end. I'll keep a lookout for that truck, with my brass knuckles at the ready. P.S. I loved your review!

Rassles said...

Gypsy: No, he was always clothed. So pissed off about it.

Mongo: April sounds good. Calendar: check.

Blues: It's so tedious over there. There's like, all this pressure.

MoLinder: I considered blogging about our fight, but in the the end, it was like, the stupidest fight in the world. Seriously.

Boomer: That's how I feel whenever I go to Lilliput.

Gullybogan: I wish I knew if there was a ladder. Alas, I wasn't there when my car was struck. But I'm glad the lollypop lady is on my side.

Derf: MoLinder is full of famous quotes regarding beer. It is her gift.

Crow: You would think that opening a bottle of wine would be a far simpler process, but I'm sure the difficulty is meant as a deterrent, rather than offering the wine as a reward for a job well done.

Nurse: If I was your reviewer, you would have gotten a higher score.

Gwen: Thanks, friend. On both accounts.

hereinfranklin said...

Waiting on my own review. Yikes. Oh look--it's Saturday. Time for beers.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

I wanted to let you know, I saw 2 white trucks with license plates that started with X. I threw a huge rock through their windows.

Then I saw a red one with a license plate that started with X, and I fucked that shit up too.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I knew there was a good reason my boss keeps all those rubber gloves tucked away in her office drawers! To-go wine! Great idea.