Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Badness

It's occurred to me that this whole thing where the world gives me a big hug and plays Foreigner on repeat is just a distraction from the inevitable Badness teetering on the edge of the future.

I guess what I'm saying is, there is no way I'm running around provoking men with hard-ons and knives this weekend. Obviously that's not habitual behavior, but I'm really not known for caution, and bad shit happens around Valentines Day.

I don't want to end up in a hospital bed, like last year, even if it is for something as small as an abscess, or at a funeral like the year before. I don't want to hold anyone's hand after their abortion. If anyone is thinking of breaking up with one of my friends right now, male or female, I swear to fucking god I will shank you.

I can't ever feel it coming. It's like, you know, one day it's Tuesday, and I exist. I'm laughing, joking around with someone, and then my phone rings and someone says words that change the tint of everything. Life is dry and tiresome, and there's just too much salt. Where did all that salt come from? Why does everyone smell like copper? Put that thing away, it's wrinkling me, stop scraping with your eyes.

That's what the Badness feels like.

I had a dream where I carried around a Pomeranian in a purse. And everyone, like my sixty "closest friends," accompanied me to a theme park where the greatest carousel ever established was opening. Grandly. So we waited, excited, and watched the giant white blanket slip off the carousel, and gasped when we realized that it was full of live exotic beasts impaled on poles, and they were screaming. Everyone was so excited, and they ran up to the carousel and climbed on top of the animal of their choice, and me and my fucking Pomeranian sat on the pygmy elephant, and I cried.

It was scary as fuck.

The week surrounding Valentines Day is horrible. Always crying and pain, and it has nothing to do with romance whatsoever. It's hard on my friends, it's hard on me, and it's hard to watch all those fucking commercials with satin pillows and jewelry and bullshit, not because I want those things, but because they breathe for other people and who breathes for me?

I have decided, officially, that I have earned the right to be selfish and spiteful.

No positive connotations with this week. On any level.

Maybe a small level. Sometimes I like red things. Like apples. And Sharpies. And wine.



Anonymous said...

You be careful, dear one. Rent a movie, invite over a few close friends, and close the curtains. You'll be alright . . .

Anonymous said...

damn, that was pretty intense. what happened?? last night we were talking about puppies and now you're talking about impaled creatures! I still can't get over how vivid your dreams are...ridic. hope everything's ok. call me if you need to talk...

Gypsy said...

This year I'm pretty sure we'll just let the day slip by unnoticed. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Back in the day, my single friends and I would get together for lonely hearts dinners on Valentine's Day. And you know what? My best Valentine's Day memories come from those dinners. I think that our culture puts such emphasis on coupledom, having an "other". I think that's bullshit. We all have people - maybe not lovers; But we all have people who love us. I know you do. I hope you avoid the Badness this year. Maybe because it's the year of Teen Wolf you will be specially protected from it.

Rassles said...

Tysdaddy; I think Ima gonna git drunk.

Schmee: I know, right? But seriously, you've got to admit that the past couple years we've had crazy bad Februarys.

Gypsy: That would be preferable. But I associate Valentines with the negative. And I don't mean being single, because that's not a negative. I mean like...death.

Gwen: Yeah, the propensity for coupledom is bullshit. But it's just a bad time of year, full of accidents and carnage that is completely unrelated to stereotypical Valentiney activities.

derfina said...

Hmmm. Every time I read this, instead of seeing badNESS I keep reading badASS. Oooh.

paperback reader said...

The part of this that confuses me is that you went from objects breathing for others to people breathing for you. I really want to like that sentence, because it seems nigh eloquent and poignant, but the "what" to "who" transition makes me not understand, feel dumb, and then get angry.

Still, here's to a better February for you, which doesn't sound like it'll take much.

Rassles said...

Derf: Kind of different, ain't it?

Pistols: I wish I could guide you through something with depth, but I really meant both, jumped all haphazardly, and I didn't notice it until you pointed it out. Why did you have to poke at the only sentence that makes me blush? Dammit.

Anonymous said...

I'd cry if I had a pygmy-elephant-mounting Pomeranian, too.

You're not alone.

Anonymous said...

that was intense, because this blog coincides with my life....RIGHT NOW.

Mrs. Booms said...

There is nothing about this stupid holiday that I like.

If holiday's could rot in hell, then this is the one to do it.

Rot in hell stupid VD! Just rot in hellllllllll!

Unknown said...

I find it natural that you'd have such a dream. I think the amusement park represents how you view the world. You expect it to be awesome, with bright lights and friends and a carousel. But then you suddenly realize there is badness in the world, and it makes you jaded and you cry. It goes right along with the rest of your post.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Rassles, will you be my anti-valentine?

I hate it for badness too-badness that predates the current badness and not because I'm single.

However, I will always feel the following:

Huge pink teddy bears
I want to rip your heads off

I have homework to do- enough counting syllables.

paperback reader said...

Rassles, one of the many reasons I'm sure I'll be single for most V-Days is that I can never not be an editor (except, clearly, for my own unnecessary double negative-laden sentences). I asked mostly because this was great, and I liked that sentence, but then the "who" made me a little sad because all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it was about loneliness more than the rest of the post indicated.

Regardless, don't feel bad on my account, miss - it was intended as concern, not as an attempt to be mean. Clearly, I also don't show concern often (well, for other people, anyway), and am unfamiliar with how to do so.

And that ends this version of Comments I Would Have Instead Sent As An Email If I Weren't Too Lazy To Find An Email Address If It's Hiding Somewhere Here.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'll just give Hellbilly a big ol' blow job out there in the barn.
Oh, and I've decided the "chain saw in the yard" thing now has to be done in our neighbor's yard. Does that work for you?

Mister Crowley said...

"I have decided, officially, that I have earned the right to be selfish and spiteful."

Join the club, luv :) I'm going through all of this shit AND my birthday's on Val Day. Can you believe that?

Just to cheer you up, here's how some Indian women are dealing with Feb 14 this year - The Pink Chaddi Campaign

Rassles said...

Erin: Just the thought of being a person comfortable with carrying a dog in my purse is enough to make me cry. Dream Me is such a douchebag.

Ammo: Wednesday drinking is excellent, no? After you went home I just kept on drinking and watching Mitch Hedberg for like another hour and a half. Feel better, love.

Boomer: Stupid saints, with their whole being named thing and associated with fucking. Pisses me off.

Elizabeth: In my head, it's more like this: Everyone is celebrating this awful thing because they don't see the downside of something deemed "great" by the rest of society, and I do see it but resign myself to go with the crowd, and do nothing to stop it. One of my biggest fears is inaction.

Mount: I would love to be your anti-valentine. And anatomy, to boot! I've never been anyone's valentine before, let alone an anti-valentine, which sounds much more fun because there are scientific pictures involved.

Pistols: Well, yeah. Loneliness is a part of it. When things are shite I get combative, and it's Me Against The World. I put myself there, I know it, and it's all hypothetical objects and strangers and thinking, These things won't comfort me. You won't comfort me. It's just me. Fuck you all and your ability to be comforted when I have to do it myself. I think that's as honest and ugly as I can make it. And for the sake of sincerity, thanks.

Mongo: Are you angry at your neighbors, or increasingly concerned with my ability to destroy?

Crow: Happy early birthday, friend! And that's great. I would gladly mail underwear to a big fat bully organization, but I am broke, and need all the underwear I can get.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I've never really liked pomeranians. And that dream would scare the living hell out of me.
AND best wishes for a totally ok V-Day.
ALSO, did you know that the D in D-Day stands for Day? So essentially, it's Day Day.
Which is lame on so many levels and has nothing to do with your post here.

Rassles said...

Ambiblob: You know what? Fuck Pomeranians. I don't like them either. It was like I wasn't myself in the dream.

(Also, I would never have chosen an elephant, pygmy or otherwise. If the dream was lucid, I would have picked a bear, or a hyena. I'm almost sure of that.

Maybe I was somebody else in the dream...I mean, I am an interdimensional traveler. According to palm readers. Who are all crazy.

Is there anyone out there who's afraid to speak? I think I was you in my dream.)

Love Bites said...

I would like to invite you to be my anti-valentine.

Also, my word for this post was Diva. I think it's a sign from the great beyond.

Love Bites said...

OMG, the word verification on your blog is fucking crazy right now. I had to post again just because it was "woadhead." Seriously, Rassles, the universe has your number and is paging you.

Anonymous said...

Hallelujah. February just sucks. My dad and my grandmother died in February, my boyfriend's dad died in February. It's just a hunker the fuck down and keep your head covered month.

Kitty said...

The carousel dream is wicked.

Valentine's Day is overrated and my least favorite of them all. I hate all the sappy commercials with the dumbass teddy bears and lingerie and the suggestion that all you have to do is buy someone something to get them in the sack.

It's tacky and I hate it.

That said I am not a romantic but I can write that shit, (I swear, it makes no sense, but you know you have to throw that shit in stories).

Bluestreak said...

I never celebrate Valentines Day. It´s a fucking crock of shit. It´s designed to make couples get in fights and for single people to feel like something is missing when it isn´t.

Rassles said...

LB: Since it's an anti-Valentine, I can have hundreds, yes? All across the globe, being anti? Sounds like love to me.


Anon: This is what I am saying. It's a month that is doomed to suck from start to finish.

Kitty: I can't write it. Not at all. Romance eludes me completely. Of course, this could differ if I actually HAD romance in my life.

Blues: And it's expensive, and it makes us fatter. Fucking chocolate.