Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Catch-22, or By Disrupting His Disruption You Are Being More Disruptive

Never start an argument with an ignorant bastard who thinks his business parking in the middle of the road for several minutes during rush hour is far more imperative than the flow of traffic. Obviously, this man already knows his time is more valuable than the rest of society.

So what were you thinking, you saggy piece of harlot, when you stepped out of your SUV yelling "move you motherfucking motherfucker" while your child cried in the backseat? Did you think that the straight up gangsta hermano in the pock-marked Chevy Lumina was going to apologize with sincerity, pull up his pants and promptly shift his car out of everyone's way?

It never occurred to you that he would stride out of his car, leaving the door wide open, pimpwalk over to your dumb ass and make that cocked-elbow busta finger-gun gesture over your greasy head, while his children sat in the back seat of his Chevy. It never occurred to you that there were like nineteen other fucking cars behind you, and waiting would take less time than starting shit.

So I just sat there in front of the elementary school and watched all the little kids crowd onto the sidewalk to watch you fight, while you waved your arms in the air and I could almost smell the pit-stains on your shirt, and it's fucking twenty degrees outside how are you sweating right now?

And you, Mr. Compensating For Semi-Dwarfism With Giant Embroidered Black Pants And A Big Fat Mustache, get your goddamn children out of your car and into that playground before I take them away from you. Next time you want to give your kids a pep-talk before school, remember this: if you keep on instilling them with your current family values (that it's more important for you to prove your manhood to a strange, dirty old white lady instead of going to school), they're going to get themselves shot faster than you can say "please don't shoot my illiterate children."

Oh, but my favorite part was when the Aryan Nation suit-and-tie dicknose behind me got out of his sedan to yell at the two of you for being inappropriate, because adding another stereotypical self-important jackass to the argument will really, really speed things along, and is an excellent example of adulthood for the children loitering twenty feet away.

...

18 comments:

renalfailure said...

Is this that movie Crash? And not the one by Cronenberg with the car crash sex.

pistols at dawn said...

Really, the children are the future, but only because none of us wants to accept the world where these three dicknoses are the present.

Le Meems said...

All this story needed was a large black women striding down the sidewalk wearing a doo rag yelling "Oooh HELL noooo"

The Ambiguous Blob said...

This is why I carry a shank. Solves so many arguments before they get out of control.

tysdaddy said...

I would have gotten out and probably started laughing. Which of course would have made everything so much worse . . .

Del-V said...

People suck. They suck even more when they drive. But what doesn't suck are the reviews for the new Watchmen movie. This is the review from the UK premire:

http://www.imdb.com/news/ni0689631/

Erin said...

I always keep a kazoo in my car precisely for moments like that. Human drama needs a quality soundtrack.

prayingtodarwin said...

I know you weren't probably trying to go for the public service angle, but you totally kept my ass in my seat and my children less scarred when I didn't get out of the car to yell because of this here post.

Thanks.

nursemyra said...

you have such exciting mornings

Nikki B. said...

AWESOME...

these jackasses have already reproduced and we will now be graced with another generation of even angrier and more pissed off pit-stained fathers, dick noses and "semi-dwarfed men with giant embroidered pants with fat 'staches"!!

what is this world coming to??

freetheunicorns said...

What, no Asian gangsters on crotch rockets?

Mia Watts said...

Ha!
Was already laughing but revelation of cars at an Elementary school deserved another round. Reverting at its best.

Betsey Booms said...

Wow, was REM playing in the background?

Totally should have been.

Gwen said...

Oh my god. I so know people like this guy you describe. People who think it's their martyred lot in life to "Fix" the world or some shit.

Gypsy said...

This so reminds me of the video of parents gone wild at little league shit.

Love Bites said...

Almost every day, when I'm dropping my kids off at school, I want to get in a fight with some idiotic rude parent who really needs me to get up in her suburban minivan grill and punch her in the kidney.

THERE ARE SO MANY STUPID RUDE PEOPLE HERE, it fucking kills me. And, the fact that I think that what they really need is an ass-whuppin says a lot about me, doesn't it?

Rassles said...

RF: There is something about David Cronenberg that fascinates me, but it's not his movies. Like when he's all discombobulated and playing some sort of savant doctor expert in whatever field is relevant to the plot.

Pistols: I demand children training facilities, where I handpick the staff and oversee all activities, creating, in essence, and army of Me's.

Le Meems: I often feel that she's living within me.

Ambiblob: I'm more of a shiv person, because of a personal neurosis regarding my dental hygiene, and this way I've got a toothbrush and knife in one.

Tysdaddy: I laughed for the first minute or so, but after just sitting there in my car for nearly five minutes, without moving, anger started boiling.

Del-V: I AM SO EXCITED.

Erin: That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Ginny: I'm here to save lives, whether you realize it or not.

Nurse: Just wait until Wednesday morning. My Wednesdays are off the hook.

Nikki: I don't know, but it makes me want to write a comic strip.

Chowner: What's up, first of all, and second of all, I know, right?

Mia: People are retarded, and I always notice.

Boomer: No. Foreigner. And then Rage Against the Machine.

Gwen: Oh, motherfucker wasn't fixing anything. He was yelling and throwing elbows just like the rest of 'em.

Gypsy: You'd think they could get all mad about something important, like the state of the economy, or the fact that THEIR CHILDREN ARE EMOTIONALLY FUCKED.

LB: Thinking someone deserves an ass-whoopin' and actually administering said whoopin' are what separates us from the window lickers.

Bluestreak said...

aren´t you supposed to morph into a socially normal human once you´ve spawned. What the fuck?