Monday, February 2, 2009

Crooked Dog

For the Superbowl, I went over to my parents house for low key fun.

But I don't give a crap about the Superbowl, I really just don't, and I love my family but I talk to them all the fucking time. I just spent the whole day hanging out with my dog, and feeling lost not having him in Chicago.

Yeah, granted, he's part of the whole family, not just me, but during that stint of living at home after college he was mine. I taught him everything, brought him everywhere, and now he has all these bad habits because I've been gone for however many years.

He even chose my sister over me, today, for the first time ever. I haven't seen him since Christmas, though, so it's my own goddamn fault.

Katsisch was all, "Ha ha, Rusty loves me more than you now, sucker."

"Shut up. And stop feeding him, he jumped up and grabbed cheese out of my hand earlier." Why do sisters have to ruin all of the hard work I put into training the perfect dog?

"You don't even live here anymore, and he's not your dog. He loves me best now." And then she gave him cheese, and he looked at me.

"Don't fucking look at me, she's turning you into a brat." He didn't even care, and just came over to me and tried to jump and snatch food out of my hand again. "Dude, seriously? No, chill." And then he sat, obediently, and chilled like he was taught. "Thank you. Now you can have a Triscuit."

"I don't even know why you bother, you're going to give it to him anyway."

"He's a nasty robber who needs to learn to ask for things first. Yeah, you, Dog. You used to say please."

"He also used to lock himself in the bathroom and eat all the toilet paper."

MoLinder's cats are fine, I like them. But they're not the Dog. They don't play tricks on you, and they don't love the snow, and they're not all crooked.

Rusty (I know: worst name ever) is crooked, literally: one ear sits up higher on his head than the other, and his legs are all disproportionate. That's what we get for keeping a dog that was tossed out of a van. I know, I know. I've blogged it before.

But after spending all day with The Dog, and then Formerly Fun went and got herself a puppy (you lucky, lucky hooker) I just have dog on the brain.

That is all.



Anonymous said...

wow - he's pretty damn cute

Bluestreak said...

I'm more of a cat person, but I admit that you can have more satisfying social interaction with a dog.

I'm sorry you miss your dog.

Anonymous said...

Now I want you to take your dog to Chicago and everything. Dammit Rassles! Now I'm all overly involved in the lives of others again. And it's only Monday!

Anonymous said...

Brian and I were watching the dog shows on the animal planet yesterday and now I'm DYING for a dog. And I'm sorry that your cousin was subjected to the insanity that is us playing catchphrase. God I love that game. And my word verification is zoings. ZOINGS! hah. ok that's all.

Gypsy said...

Ahh, the allure of the dog. I so get it.

And Rusty is gorgeous.

derfina said...


Mrs. Booms said...

I want to kiss the top of his head, right where that little doggy knot is, until he is so annoyed with me he can't see straight.

I love kissing dog heads.

That's way more awesome than it sounds.

By the way, I need to know if you have Kenny Loggins' phone number.

Mrs. Booms said...

Kenny Loggins doesn't have a phone?

Are you sure? Because I'm nearly positive that his beard was like the very first bluetooth device. No? I'm wrong?

And you're kind of right. I saw Kenny Loggins standing on a corner. He was wearing a gopher puppet on his hand and singing for cheeseburgers. He wouldn't take a dime for a song though.

Wait, if he's homeless he totally doesn't have a phone. I'm sorry, I'm so stupid sometimes.

Rassles said...

Was he, by any chance, teaching all of the other hobos to breakdance? Have you ever seen Loggins toprock into a coin drop and pop into an airchair?

Blows my mind.

Mrs. Booms said...

Kenny Loggins Is My B-Boy.

Rassles - We've got a million dollar idea right there.

I guarantee that if he put that on a shirt everyone will be all, "damn, I've been wanting to say that FOREVER."

And you know he had on fingerless gloves. But since he changed "I'm Alright" to the remix "I'm AH-IGHT" it's lost a little heart.

Mrs. Booms said...

Oh and by the way - The KL - BBoys shirt has to totally be in the style of the Teen Wolf T-shirt.

Cutting out your collar is optional.

Rassles said...

I completely agree. Fingerless gloves are a Loggins essential, because any other kind would only hinder rocking out.

Also, we need to get our paws on a conversion van, for surf breakdancing up top while we blast "Danger Zone."

We should do a cross-country tour.

Mrs. Booms said...

The van will have to have an awesome mural on the side. Like a coyote or no, even better, your sweatshirt horse.

By the end of the tour we'll probably be a little worn out and will have to take time off from hanging 10 while doing 60, BUT! Everyone will finally see the fashion greatness that is Burmuda shorts and aviator sunglasses for what they are truly worth.

But I get to shout "Take me to bed now or lose me forever". It's in my contract.

Erin Alberty said...

My brothers named their dog Muffy. That's even worse than Rusty.

That dog is awesome.

Rassles said...

Nurse: Dog? Yeah.

Blues: Eh, it's okay. It's lame.

Mongo: Me too, but I could never have that dog in the city. He needs a yard. I'm pretty sure that as long as I live in Chicago, I won't have a dog. I just refuse to keep a big dog in an apartment, and little dogs are too kickable.

Schmee: Yeah, but Slinger might make you get a douchebaggy dog. Don't get me wrong, he's got a killer taste in girlfriends, but Waveland the yip yip dog? Cute, but she's a pocket dog. Fucking Brian.

Gypsy: I know, you're a dog person too, which is fantastic. And thanks.

Derf: Me. Too.

Boomer: (for the sake of continuity, I'm reposting what I put on your page) Kenny Loggins doesn't have a phone. He only communicates via killer guitar licks and vocal harmony. And good luck getting him to do a soundtrack. There's no way Loggins would ever sell out to Hollywood, unless it's for Kevin Bacon. Or Chevy Chase. Or Tom Cruise. Or Eddie Murphy. Or Tigger.

Me: You need to thank Pistols again for Yacht Rock, and for reigniting the Loggins obsession, which has lain dormant for nearly eighteen months. Remember when you listened to Footloose every morning?

Erin: Hahaha. One of my best friends has some parents that named her Muffy. Which is also pretty bad.

paperback reader said...

I love all this Loggins talk. If I'm ever in Chicago, just consider me introducing you to Yacht Rock as foreplay.

Rassles said...

Pistols: Only if you agree to form a power duo and sing "Don't Fight It" at some karaoke bar. I call dibs on singing the part of The Logg. You get Perry.

Boomer: Okay, I got this van mural shit down.

1. Kenny Loggins
2. as a werewolf
3. with fingerless gloves
4. a shirt that says, "What are you looking at, Dicknose"
5. popping up into an airchair
6. on the back of the sweatshirt stallion
7. surrounded by pink lightning
8. being chased by a stick figure with 1/2 an arm and a shiv.

Awwww yeah.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I have a very bad dog. He doesn't beg or steal food from my hands though, so that's awesome!

paperback reader said...

Rassles, the idea of that power duo karaoke "Don't Fight It" is (either sadly or fantastically) the single greatest/most romantic thing any woman has ever said to me. Congrats!

Rassles said...

Ambiblob: Does he eat his own crap? Fucking dogs.

Pistols: I'm not surprised, because "Yacht Rock" is easily the smoothest/most romantic thing I've ever seen on youtube, so thanks for that. It's damn near impossible to avoid the powerful flirtation of smooth grooves, specifically those that rock; and not only that, but why would you want to avoid them at all?

Anonymous said...

Remember when we came home from Trish's baby shower and sat in your backyard and drank beer and played with Rusty. I love that memory. And your parents wouldn't let you have that last beer b/c they thought you were drunk b/c we ate a lot of food and you had to drive back to the city. Then we went and saw Run, Fat Boy, Run.

I love your dog, too. Almost as much as my mom's (that I insist is mine, even though I've only lived with my mom for 3 mo. the whole time they've had him!) Even with you being gone so long, he can do a lot more tricks than mine!!