Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I love it when people listen when I say things I love.

I am, arguably, the worst person in existence to take to a movie theater. More importantly, if you are taking me to a movie, it better be something so fucking good that I can only focus on the screen in front of me. Otherwise, I will simultaneously have a conversation with you, start cranking Paper Moon in my head, listen to the movie, and still leave the theater with a better understanding of what was up on that screen than all of the other people sitting around me.

That is my one and only gift, I think. Speech recollection. I can pay attention to like, four conversations at once. I could probably act out the entire movie I saw last night if it didn’t make me want to rip out my tongue and communicate only via Mongolian throat overtones just to drown out the memory of that dialogue.

"Farking stupid, is what I am. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Me and Gyna were all about seeing a movie last night. At least, I was. I didn't even care what movie, but there was a small part of me that wanted to see this one. Perhaps it could offer crucial advice, or a couple funny lines. I mean, I should at least enjoy looking at Bradley Cooper, right? Eye candy? The fact that this movie even got produced makes me furious.

I mean, I hated it more than I hated the musical version of Wicked=, and I'll complain about my loathing for that garbage dump of bitchfuckery to anyone with ears.

As far as I'm concerned, there were three good things surfing through that film bilge that technically had nothing to do with the movie itself:



  • Kris Kristofferson is still alive. Billy the Kid. Too bad he chose this synthetic bullshit script above something imaginary, like Blade Four: Quadratic.
  • Derek Waters was in one scene, mumbling his single line and taking up space and riding on the coattails of celebrity friendships. Love that guy.
  • While conversing obnoxiously about the movie throughout the movie, and after one ear slicing line of dialogue, Gyna announces, in nearly perfectly altered iambic pentameter, “My god I want to kill myself.” I get stuck in hysterics, delighted to be a nuisance to everyone enjoying the scene, because those people are obviously a few slogan-tees short of a faux Stiles.

    Not to go all femi-crazy, but seriously? Are there women out there who behave like the dumbasses in this movie? Obviously they exist, I mean, there were people in the theater who liked the movie. Gyna sides with me on this one. What kind off crap-ass girls are wandering around out there in public? Who are these women? <

    Every single female in that movie was a fucking moron. The very thought of living like that, in a perpetual state of crazy, embarrasses me. So immediately after the movie, we went to a bar.

    "Fucking seriously, that movie ruined my life," I said to a co-worker this morning. "I don't know what could make me feel better after that."

    "What about...a burger from Kuma's?"

    Sideways look, small grin. "Well that would be nice."

    She gets sing-songy. "And a PBR?"

    I nod, smirkishly. "I do loves me some PBR."

    "Okay, I got it," she straightens herself up in her chair.

    "What if you were eating Kuma's and drinking PBR with 1989 Bruce Willis and watching The Watchmen?”

    “Oh my god. That would be—I would—overload—I mean—"

    “Hu--"

    "--Orgasm.”

    I love it when people listen when I say things I love.

    ...
  • 26 comments:

    Gypsy said...

    Thank god I never have to see this movie.

    The Ambiguous Blob said...

    I was already planning on skipping this one. But I saw Friday the 13th this weekend. Yay! It was scary without being creepy, lasting, nightmary scary.
    Also. I just realized that Rise of the Lycans came out and I missed it til now, so that's next.
    Ef chick flicks. Why would you even go to the theater for that?

    Le Meems said...

    I'm just not that into it.
    Horrasstic.

    Altho, I have to say. I went crazy ONCE. When I say KUHRAZIE, I don't mean normal run-of-the-mill nutjob.

    Like out of my mind krazytown nutville ambientown 123xanax street.

    But it was just the once, and it's almost done. Wait. It is done.

    Thats a farking hard spoonfullah sugar to swallow.

    Rassles said...

    Gypsy: It was a moment of weakness. I suck. Please, please, please don't think less of me. I am just obsessed with the goldeniness of Bradley Cooper and his crooked blue eyes. I blame Alias.

    Ambiblob: I've never been a big fan of Underworld movies. Prolly because I just keep comparing it to Teen Wolf, which is far superior. But seriously, some horrible chick flicks are great. I mean, She's the Man? One of the best movies ever. Ever. You never know when you'll find a gem.

    Le Meems: Oh, poor Crazy Meems. It's all right, just let me talk to you down from it. Do not ride your bike past his house or call him repeatedly or obsessively check his blog or stare at old pictures of him from eight years ago or stalk his Myspace or hang out a bar because you saw him there once or try to show up at the bus stop at the exact same moment he was there that one time four months ago. Whoever he is, however you know him: let it go. Fucking Crazy. Colon parentheses.

    renalfailure said...

    Crap-ass! Yes, I love that term. I wished I got to use it more often, but I have friends who say with more flair than I.

    ~Mountain Lover~ said...

    I refuse to see that movie. Like I don't get the point from the title. Maybe I'm just not that into HIM. Because he's a douchebag.

    I saw Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. Tonight we're watching Slumdog Millionaire.

    We have a "best picture" movie month right before the Oscars. I still need to see Frost Nixon.

    gyna said...

    god i have been going on all day today about how awful that movie was. and how much i hated my life for seeing that.

    worst.

    but trip planning going really well!

    Mia Watts said...

    Hm. Have no idea what the movie is about or what the fuss is over. Am assuming "needy women" syndrome across big screen weighing the points of their life against whether or not "he" looked their direction. Warm? Marginally?

    In which case, the title said it all. Why did you waste the money?

    Rassles said...

    RF: Thank you for focusing on the not embarrassing part where I say I saw that movie on purpose.

    Mount: Now see, I wanted to Button, because I love David Fincher. But the more and more I see previews, the more I want to punch things.

    Gyna: You know what? Fuck them haters. At least we gave it a shot, right? How could we properly celebrate the good stuff without sludge like this to compare with it?

    Mia: Sigh.

    In the end, it all just boils down to Bradley Cooper.

    pistols at dawn said...

    While there are certain things I give undeserved credit to (the human spirit, Wendy's fries) and continue, like Charlie Brown with that damn football, to muster some kind of belief that maybe this time they'll be okay, even in my most positive moment, I would not have thought there could be one redeeming moment in this big, fetid pile of hippo poo (hippoo?).

    So maybe this just shows what a romantic you are, that you believed in a world where this wouldn't be terrible. And now, like all Romantics, you're crazy, unhappy, and prone to singing "What I Like About You" at the slightest of promptings.

    Florida Girl In Sydney said...

    And here I was wanting to see that crap. Forget it, I'd rather eat razor blades and bbq my eyeballs.

    Gwen said...

    I will listen to you say things you love until the end of time.

    You may have a talent for speech recollection, but your talent for writing, for capturing beautiful, interesting moments in time, is simply breath-taking.

    formerly fun said...

    Rassles- There were probably 2 years in my twenties when I would have eaten that kind of movie up. All my frfiends(even the hold outs) were getting married, even my closest lezfriend got pseudo hitched. I had gone out on every bad date possible and had oozed charm and smarty alecky humor and wit and ... and lots of times they never called. Most of the time I was like, thank god bullet dodged, a few times I was farking disappointed b/c I thought I'd met someone who could keep up with me--still, I always wondered why would a guy profess love and love-like for you and then never call back or act like an idiot all game playing.

    So yeah, there was a time I would have gladly paid for that swill. It's ok, that kinda shit blind sides you, you want it to be good, but it never is.

    mongoliangirl said...

    I love you even when I'm not quite sure how to take the 'Mongolian throat overtones' thing.
    Oh shoot! Girl! You know I'll just love you and take that damn thang as a compliment anyway!
    Damn!

    Betsey Booms said...

    Thank you for saving my soul.

    ~Mountain Lover~ said...

    Don't know if you've seen it, but I LOVED Slumdog Millionaire. My money's on that one for the Oscar.

    P.S. Was that you talking in the theater? Did you see me scowling?

    Red said...

    I stopped by EG's last night and came into the second half of _Van Wilder_. Which I've seen before. But I will happily watch almost anything with Ryan Reynolds. (See WILATU's second to last entry.)

    Schmee said...

    Right?? I told you it pretty much sucked. Based on the book it could have been SO much funnier. Didn't it almost make you hate justin long for being such a sell out?? and then i watched accepted the other day and realized how damn funny he usually is. either way, complete waste of money...and life. did you notice ricky from my so-called life though???
    my word verification is "molesick" dfjka;fda

    hereinfranklin said...

    That psychic thing is totally working. We saw the same movie last night and both blogged about it

    hereinfranklin said...

    P.S. I hated it.

    Rassles said...

    Pistols: Just like Bret Michaels.

    Flora: Or, I recommend getting hammered with a friend, shelling out money for a matinee, and throwing things at the screen. Bring a flask. Drink whenever they end a sentence with a preposition, a proposal, or whenever Jennifer Aniston looks hurt.

    Gwen: Well, thank you. I'm blushing. I think. If I had a mirror, I would look just to make sure but I currently have no occular proof. Just warm cheeks.

    FF: See comment to Flora. For real secrets to the inner thoughts of men, I recommend porn.

    Mongo: Go here. It's awesome. Starts about forty seconds in.

    Boomer: You're very, very welcome.

    Mount: Haven't seen it yet, but I want to. Too bad I probably won't get around to it until like, 2011. My Netflix list is so fucking long.

    Red: Reynolds is nearly too pretty for my tastes. I usually like guys that would make ugly-ass women. There are exceptions, of course. Like Cooper.

    Schmee: If I fucking wrote it, it would have been hysterical. The worst is when I see a movie and think, "I could have made such a better movie." Because obviously, I know how to do everything. And I love Justin Long sometimes.

    Franklin: That does not surprise me at all.

    Sandi said...

    Ok--I' going to see that move tomorrow. I am already anticipating how crappy it will be, but I need a night out (single mom, two kids) and the only choices are that or that stupid Kevin James Mall Cop movie. I figure if I see He's Just Not That Into You, I can then blog about how much I loathe Jennifer Aniston.

    Rassles said...

    Sandi: Loathing Jennifer Aniston is soooooo underated.

    Thanatos said...

    Hey, I had to see the movie so that I had female company for Transformers 2 (that and I was told it had Scarlett Johannsen). My life isn't ruined, but I certainly want those 90 minutes back.

    Rassles said...

    Thanny: It didn't make you want to shoot yourself in the kneecap? Lucky.

    Bluestreak said...

    movies ruin my life too. They piss me off when I´ve wasted two fucking hours to have every prototype thrown in my face until I want to eat my own puke instead. Is it really that fucking hard for characters to be written in a more nuanced way? I watch movies like every fucking day and if it isn´t awesome then it stole two hours from my life that I want back. And then I vow to tell everyone I know how much it sucked.