Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Weird Girl Who Walks A Cat

Last night MoLinder yelled at me.

"Dude, stop trying to turn my cat into a dog! I want him to be chill. Like a nice, chill cat. Like Kitty." She looks over at her other cat, who is like, the quintessential friendly cat, all delicate and graceful. That cat cuddles like it's her job, demands attention from everyone, and is completely devoted to MoLinder.

"But he likes to play," I say as I grab him by his stomach and spin him around in circles on the hardwood. "Fuck you, Panther. I fucking own you." He gnaws on my hand, so I growl at him and try to make him fetch something.

"But he is not a dog. You don't understand. You don't like what your family has done to your dog."

"Dog? They don't exercise his brain enough. They let him get bored and now he's got all these bad habits. Smart things get into trouble if you leave them to their own devices." I push Panther away, and he pounces back. So I pull his leg. "And I totally taught Panther how to fetch things. We can teach him other stuff--"

"NO. I don't want him afraid of people and nervous, and the rougher you are with him the rougher he'll be with people. I know you want a dog, but you can't just turn my cat into one."

And she's completely right, because sometimes I think I could totally walk Panther around the neighborhood on a leash. But then I'd be The Weird Girl Who Walks A Cat, and I don't want people thinking I collect limited edition kitten Danbury Mint plates or something.

...

14 comments:

Le Meems said...

But those collectibles will be WORTH something one of these days, mama. Then who'll be laughing?

Nikki B. said...

i've always thought it would be cool to walk a cat on a leash.

but, they won't do it. stuck up, self-serving little ass-holes, they are! it's all about them!

Mia Watts said...

Excellent idea. The benefits of self-sustaining catdom with the servantude of a dog. I think the idea is purrfectly fetching.

pistols at dawn said...

After seeing a man walk a cat on Colbert like two weeks ago, I agree wholeheartedly: you do not want to be that girl under any circumstances.

Erin said...

Danbury Mint plates?!

Brilliant.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Sorry but I think you should totally walk the cat.

hereinfranklin said...

My cat is a dog-like creature.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

My cat is a ferocious cuddler, waits for me at the door, begs for food constantly, and sometimes drags all my dirty socks and underwear from the hamper to the door. And for a while he fetched, but I haven't done that in a while so he'd probably need some training.

So un-catlike.

Want him?

Rassles said...

Le Meems: Sometimes, when I look at my shelves and the lack of ceramic collectibles, a single tear drifts down my cheek.

Nikki: Honestly, MoLinder's done wonders with socializing her cats. It's quite impressive.

Mia: And they're cuddly, too.

Pistols: About five minutes after reposting this post for the fifth time due to late edits, I remembered that episode and thought, "Shit. Someone's going to think I go the idea from the guy who got arrested for taking pictures of trains."

Erin: I'm sure you can mail-order nearly anything from them nowadays. Coins, plates, wives.

Flora: Too bad I think Panther wouldn't like it himself.

Franklin: But as a cat-person, shouldn't you say something like, "Dogs are my-cat-like creatures?"

Mount: Now see, those things seem entirely cat-like to me, because MoL's cats behave identically. It seems like with most of them, there's this playful curiosity coupled with slight indifference to strangers, but whole concerned with the opinion of their owner.

Mister Crowley said...

How about trying to convince Molinder that her cat's schizo..that what it REALLY wants, is to be a mutt?

A dog that washes itself. How cool is that...

The Ambiguous Blob said...

There's nothing wrong with being the weirdo in your neighborhood. I get lots of pleasure from freaking my neighbors out.

Ammo said...

dude, panther could open the fridge and fetch you a beer if he wanted to. You own that mofo.

Rassles said...

Crow: With respect to cleanliness, Panther can't wash himself for shit. Maybe he can. I have no idea.

Ambiblob: Dude, there are so many weird people wandering around my neighborhood that I have to TRY to be weird. But walking the cat would probably do the trick.

Ammo: Fucking owned and owned.

Bluestreak said...

I tried to walk my cat when he was a kitten, kind of. I took him to the park on a leash cause I felt so bad that he couldn´t be outside in his natural state. But it just got him all freaked out, it was like a drug and pretty soon his leash seemed like it was made of toilet paper, he could get out of it so quickly. People are mean to cats here too, so they would walk up and try to fuck with him. No more park. Poor kitty. He´s so bored in my house.