Monday, March 9, 2009

The Awesome-Off

After the horror and headaches of Sunday morning (or three in the afternoon, fucking whatever), I'm pretty sure Jager is off the drink list for at least like, two weeks. There's a dark and dangerous thrill to secret shots, even when they're like, secret shots with a fellow alcoholic peril-seeker, and they're in front of everyone at else at the after party.

It's more like initiation for the Skulls, when you're friends with the hosts, and they choose you, with conviction, "Ross, shot time!" because you're always down for cryptic shots as long as you're sleeping there anyway. Or as long as it's like, free.

And then you have an Awesome-Off, which is basically an argument with Slinger over who is more awesome, and it goes something like this:

Clink the bottles and drink. "Dude, you are awesome."

"Pffffsh," I shrug it off, "not nearly as awesome as you."

"No seriously, you're fucking awesome."

"No, you're fucking awesome."

"No, but you have like, the Rossi Posse. And that's awesome." (I have a fan club. Long story. Maybe I'll share it someday.)

"And you're the President of my Posse. Of Awesomeness," I take a drink of my beer and grab the back of...something. For support.

Slinger contemplates this while he takes another drink. "I am the President."

"The fucking awesome President."

"El awesome Presidente!"

"Dude, you are so awesome."

"I think you're awesome."

And this continued for like, ten fucking minutes.

In the end, he totally won, by the way, for reasons in accordance with the following visual representation:

So really, no contest. But in two years, once I've hit thirty? I will totally be awesomer, and everyone knows it.



Bluestreak said...

When you hit thirty, I might not be able to get my head around your awesomeness.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Blue. I want you to be one of those people who, when asked how old she is, always says, "Twenty-nine and holding!" And then laughs all crazy.
Because, if I know you're a day over 29 my brain won't understand that level of awesomeness.

Mia Watts said...

Rassles, you are totally fucking awesome. So awesome that 30 will faint at the responsibility of standing up to your awesomeness and the pressure to be even in the proximity of your coming of age awesomeness. You are so awesome, you let Slinger win the awesome contest which proves just how awesome you are.

Del-V said...

By denying that you are awesome, you become even more awesome. Kind of like how Bruce Springsteen denies that he’s a super-celebrity.

Mrs. Booms said...

I'm 31.

I'm pretty sure that means I've surpassed awesomeness.

When you are 31, just don't even talk to me.

Why? Because the sound of your awesome voice (which I have never heard) will cause my head to explode like in Scanners.

On blu-ray or not... you choose.

AYFKM? My word verification is Whort.

Is that the growth you get on your genitals when you sleep with a diseased prostitute or what?

Whore + Wart = my awesome word verification.

Anonymous said...

But then Slinger will be 32. Doesn't 30-something awesomeness accumulate? Please tell me it does.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

That's a really scientific chart. Good work.

Gwen said...

I'm 33 and I love the symmetry of it. I have to admit, turning 30 didn't feel so awesome but I'm sure you will make it thus. Awesomeness is in your blood. You're like a fine wine - you improve with age :) And for me to compare you to wine is, like, the highest compliment I can pay you.

paperback reader said...

This is fantastic, and I've got to agree with anything that throws something in favor of "has been inside her."

Anonymous said...

You're not awesome until you have a hip flask.

And know how to use it.


Anonymous said...

Awesomeness definitely accumulates. I'm 40 and way more awesome than you . . .

Anonymous said...

All I can say is awesome.

Anonymous said...

soooooooo are you saying that you would be more awesome if you had also been inside of me? because that just has to mean that I'm more awesome than both of you....HAH. give it up for the rossi posse

Rassles said...

Blues: Your head must be huge.

Mongo: I don't think I could ever be one of those people. Seriously, why would I want to withhold my awesomeness from the world? It's something I should share, but only when the time is right.

Mia: I'm pretty sure he won fair and square, but you know, I was really, really drunk, and he could have used some serious mindtrickery or something.

Del-V: If only it were that simple.

Boomer: You bleed awesome, and leave little puddles of it in your wake, and it gets all over everyone's shoes and all of a sudden BAM! Five minute van-surfing break-dancing sensation.

Erin: Unfortunately, I'm not well-versed in predicting the future past thirty. After that, everything becomes kind of grayed and blurry, and teeth start falling out and everyone is all wrinkly and gross. Oh, kidding. Writing things like that would alienate 95% of the people who bother to read this thing.

Ambiblob: I was almost a biologist, you know, so me and science totally used to do it.

Gwen: But isn't the coolest thing about your age really because whenever you see "33" written down, it looks like a couple pairs of boobs?

Pistols: Schmee, I think, was the deciding factor.

Duck: I am hip, and I have a beaker. Take that logic.

Tysdaddy: Can't argue with that.

Chowner: Seriously.

Schmee: The Rossi Posse Secretary owns the patent on Awesome, because you totally wrote "I invented awesome" down on a piece of paper and mailed it to yourself, which is legal proof.

Anonymous said...

HOLY FUCKIN AWESOME! Can i swear on this thing?... You made a fuckin chart! YOU WIN!!

Le Meems said...

I will be AWESOME in a few months.
Looking forward to it.