Friday, March 6, 2009

The Crux

Yeah, of course, I'm going to write about the Watchmen, although not very well.

This is just for self-gathering, but I want to get it out before I read any articles, just in case someone sways my opinion. I never read movie reviews or pre-release predictions and stuff, because I'd like to go in there as uninfluenced as I can. Which is hard and damn near impossible, but you know. I'm fucking dying to read what people thought about the movie, so I'm getting this out now.

Feel free to disregard this post.

1. When it's good, it is GOOD.

2. When it's not good, it's awkward, hollow, and unnecessarily violent.

3. The Comedian and Rorschach were spot on. Brilliant, even, painted perfectly.

4. Both Silk Spectres were piles of crap, and I like Carla Gugino usually. Night Owl could have been better if he didn't have to act opposite Malin Akerman the whole time.

5. Focused too much on the hero, not enough on the human. Not desperate enough. Needs more loss, more uncomfortable emotion in response to the story. I don't want to feel uncomfortable with how they're telling the story.

6. Horrible, horrible, horrible soundtrack. Very distracting.

7. Glossy. Pretty. Shiny. Panel-for-panel, glorious colors etc. Just beautifully shot.

8. Cannot decide how I feel about Dr. Manhattan. Good voice. Odd syllabic timing at points which works sometimes and sometimes does not. Mars is cool except for Malin Akerman. Overabundance of dick.

9. Fucking seriously, they couldn't have fucking cast someone fucking other than fucking Malin fucking Akerman?

10. Stretched out violence for violence sake, and added like forty-five minutes on to the movie which would have been far better spent focusing on dealing with and overcoming the crippling normalcy of being human, not super, whether or not you wear a mask.

Crux of fucking novel.

11. Every single character at one point had to jump from a great height and land on their feet all dramatically. Subtle, Mr. Snyder. Also, next time stick with original score because soundtrack was bullshit. Again.

12. Dialogue is excellent, pulled nearly straight from the book.

13. Most ridiculous sex scene of all time.

That's all I got.



The Ambiguous Blob said...

But... did you like it, or no?
And who got beat up sitting next to you?

Rassles said...

I'm torn. It's like, half the movie is perfect, wonderful, and ideal, and the other half is crap. So it's like, "four stars because an hour and fifteen minutes were awesome, and I hope you choke on a dick for the other hour and fifteen minutes, fartknocker."

They made me hold things. I couldn't move my arms. But I totally elbowed Rob repeatedly, just because he's shifty.

Anonymous said...


ooooh yea.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I'm going to see it then, for the good parts. The other parts, I'll concentrate on eating delicious popcorn.

Mrs. Booms said...

Gah, all I've heard about is the glowing blue penis and it frightens me.

Like cool ranch doritos and that blue kool-aid got together and made genitalia.

I know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

Since you said we could disregard this post, is it OK if I share that I am confused by the part about too much dick and a ridiculous sex scene.

Mia Watts said...

Haven't seen it. Dying to see it. Especially now. Want to compare notes. Like the idea of ridiculously landing on their feet. Rather like final Lord of the Rings with the over abundance of "meaningful looks". Became humorous to where I laughed inappropriately.

Frodo and his meaningful looks. Wide blue and hollow.

Anonymous said...

I hear there is an overabundance of blue penis . . . Oi!

And I hear it is faithful to the novel, almost to a fault.

I'm hesitant . . .

Anonymous said...

"overabundance of dick"? that phrase does not compute.....

Red said...

When you say, "Most ridiculous sex scene ever," have you seen _Team America: World Police_?

Anonymous said...

What would be the right amount of blue penis?

I'm thinking "none", but i may be in the wrong demographic to comment.

renalfailure said...

The good nurse is right. Since when has an "overabundance of dick" even been a problem for you? Wouldn't underabundance of dick be your problem?

Kitty said...

My daughter read the novel and I just knew she'd hate the movie.
I was wrong, she liked it.

Rassles said...

Gyna: I can't stop thinking about it.

Ambiblob: You totally should.

Boomer: I know what you mean too, and I have to say...exactly.

Mongo: It was like, "Dialogue. Serious, I am serious, and I am talking about serious things and" PENIS!

Mia: Wide blue and hollow, and highly discomforting.

Tysdaddy: The dialogue, the look of it...that's on like donkey kong. Plot changes that I'm okay with. Embarrassing acting.

Nurse: First of all, it's blue. They're all blue. Second of all, I didn't say it was a bad thing. Just a big blue surprise. Every single time.

Red: Oh, I've seen it, and good call. But that was supposed to be ridiculous, and this was supposed to be meaningful. I shouldn't have been cracking up in the theater and elbowing people at the hilarity.

Gully: It's arguable. I mean, some guy comes at me with a glowing blue penis, and I'm not gonna be all, "I am so fucking that." I'm gonna be all, "I don't know if my vagina could stand all that radiation."

RF: Alas, underabundance of dick is a problem for me.

Kitty: I'm glad she liked it, because I don't want this movie giving the book negative connotations.

Anonymous said...

So, let's say there's this girl. And generally, she's an OK kind of person. But until the hype, she'd never heard of The Watchmen (She was, however, mildly confused because there was a Canadian band in the grungariffic 90's called The Watchmen. But she digresses.) So, what if this girl with no preconceived notions went. Would she dig it?

(And this may all be moot. Because the girl is crazy fascinated by blue penises.)

P.S. The girl was ME!

Thanatos said...

Heh, the word verify is "turdsm".

Great review, I felt pretty much the same way during the movie. Rorschach was awesome.

I hated hated hated the soundtrack. Sound of silence for the graveyard scene? And the sex scene was pathetic. Oh well, until T4

paperback reader said...

I have a friend who works in a comic book shop, and when I saw him on Friday, he hadn't seen it because he had to work, so I asked him: "Why didn't you close the store? Isn't this like your people's MLK day?"

Apparently not.

Rassles said...

Ginny: I have no idea. See the movie. And then read the book. And then read Sandman.

Thanny: Yeah, you're totally Thanny from now on. And exactly. Until T4.

Pistols: I was definitely sitting in front of the entire Chicago comic book store workforce, and probably some of the ones from Indiana, too. Gyna was convinced that this movie was where I'd meet my future husband. I don't think I'd ever been more annoyed by a group of guys in my entire life.

Thanatos said...

Thanny would sound uncomfortable if I wasn't so confident of my gender-ality and alpha male looks.

Love Bites said...

Overabundance of dick was the main thing for me. But, I will say, it stuck with me. The dick, and the movie.