Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mischeif. Rawr!

Let me preface this one with as much simplicity as possible: Boomer is fucking retarded.

...

Having no idea what day this is going to be published, I might be redundant in saying that while Rassles is out, getting drunk and rowdy, which is nothing new, only now she is doing it in a city other than Chicago, she has asked me to guest post for her.

Which you can pretty much take to mean that she hates you. She really hates you. While she and I seemingly think of the same freakish things pretty often, she does so with big, awesome words and with a writer's spirit, heart and grace. I do it like a stoned, skater kid who just might be all of 15 years old. Also? She seems really social and I'm kind of anti-social. She makes this stuff seem funny and attractive to people. I make it seem like it came from the brain of a shut-in who only has cats to talk to.

However, I'm pretty sure the day is going to come when Rassles and I will finally meet face to face and the world is going to have to be put on notice because the sheer awesome energy of what will manifest with that meeting will just be too much for most people to handle.

I imagine the conversation will looking something like the following (I'll skip the weird, awkward greeting where we just look weird and awkward to each other), I simply call it "RAWR!":

Rassles and Boomer, sit on bar stools with beers in hand.

Rassles: Rawr!

Boomer: Rawr, Teen Wolf, Nards! Ha ha ha.

Rassles: Total Kenny Loggins, Danger Zone, RAWR!

Boomer: OMG, Scary German Guy - Juke Box Hero!

Rassles: BACON AND FOREIGNER!!!!

Boomer: RIIIIGHT! AHHHH! RAWR!

Rassles: What are you looking at, dicknose?

Boomer: Never say die!

Rassles: RAWR! Random movie quote, obscure reference to something weird.

Boomer: Ah, I'm the only one in the world who gets your obscure reference right now, we so rock and everyone in this bar HATES US!

Rassles: Another round?

Boomer: Dude! Bring it! Robots.

Rassles: Shivs. Rawr!

Boomer: You're awesome.

Rassles: No, you're awesome.

Boomer: NO! You. Are. Awesome.

Rassles: I know.

See? I told you she hates you. This was complete crap.

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14 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Here's the thing, I might be retarded but I'm not the one who actually composed a list of all these awesome, yet retarded things...

Am I, Rassles?

Screw you, Ross.

Betsey Booms said...

Oh and PS:

I'm so disappointed, everyone else got these grand disclaimers. Me? I get something my husband already tells me every day.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Lmao, I for one, like it!

Thanks for bringing dicknose back.

Mia Watts said...

Fucking genius. Loved the post, Betsey. Rawr.

ghost of keywork said...

Idiot.

prayingtodarwin said...

I would have thought that somewhere in the list of all that is awesome, Betsey, your hair would have come up.

Ryan Lawson said...

I don't know - I would have taken "Boomer is fucking retarded" as a compliment.

I am a fan of abrupt summarization, though.

Gwen said...

I'm jealous of your weird little relationship. Sometimes I feel like a stalker when I read your exchanges. It's very satisfying.

renalfailure said...

Then Rassles must love me because I didn't get the "guest post" call from her.

mongoliangirl said...

'RAWR!'
I am in love with that.
It will immediately replace the 'Oochie goochie goo'.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I say rawr a lot and mean it. As much as one can "mean" rawr.

Rassles said...

I heart you, Boomer. Really and truly.

Betsey Booms said...

I heart you too, Ross!

Bluestreak said...

That seems pretty accurate, BB. I wanna come too.