Let me preface this one with as much simplicity as possible: Boomer is fucking retarded.
Having no idea what day this is going to be published, I might be redundant in saying that while Rassles is out, getting drunk and rowdy, which is nothing new, only now she is doing it in a city other than Chicago, she has asked me to guest post for her.
Which you can pretty much take to mean that she hates you. She really hates you. While she and I seemingly think of the same freakish things pretty often, she does so with big, awesome words and with a writer's spirit, heart and grace. I do it like a stoned, skater kid who just might be all of 15 years old. Also? She seems really social and I'm kind of anti-social. She makes this stuff seem funny and attractive to people. I make it seem like it came from the brain of a shut-in who only has cats to talk to.
However, I'm pretty sure the day is going to come when Rassles and I will finally meet face to face and the world is going to have to be put on notice because the sheer awesome energy of what will manifest with that meeting will just be too much for most people to handle.
I imagine the conversation will looking something like the following (I'll skip the weird, awkward greeting where we just look weird and awkward to each other), I simply call it "RAWR!":
Rassles and Boomer, sit on bar stools with beers in hand.
Boomer: Rawr, Teen Wolf, Nards! Ha ha ha.
Rassles: Total Kenny Loggins, Danger Zone, RAWR!
Boomer: OMG, Scary German Guy - Juke Box Hero!
Rassles: BACON AND FOREIGNER!!!!
Boomer: RIIIIGHT! AHHHH! RAWR!
Rassles: What are you looking at, dicknose?
Boomer: Never say die!
Rassles: RAWR! Random movie quote, obscure reference to something weird.
Boomer: Ah, I'm the only one in the world who gets your obscure reference right now, we so rock and everyone in this bar HATES US!
Rassles: Another round?
Boomer: Dude! Bring it! Robots.
Rassles: Shivs. Rawr!
Boomer: You're awesome.
Rassles: No, you're awesome.
Boomer: NO! You. Are. Awesome.
Rassles: I know.
See? I told you she hates you. This was complete crap.