Tuesday, March 10, 2009

You Thought It Was Kind of Like, You Know, A Novelty Thing?

I'm walking out of the bar and looking for passengers. Someone needs to ride with me.

"Hey, do you wanna ride with me? Otherwise I'm the jackass driving to the party alone."

Beth is all, "Hell yeah, I'll ride with you."

So we head over to my car to lead the car parade from the bar to the Kalina residence. I'm a little annoyed, since I remained sober so I could drive people, and then I learned that three other friends had the same sobering idea, and some random Neanderthals didn't care and planned on driving their own drunk asses. Usually, I would fight them and make them get in my car, but I honestly didn't give a shit. They want to get hammered and drive in a town that slices drunk drivers from navel to nose, that's fine with me.

"So I read your blog like every day," Beth slurs, and chuckles. "We think you need to write a book."

"Who's we?" Unlock the car. It's actually kind of nice having a backseat devoid of jammed-in drunken clowns, kicking my chair, hollerin' for burritos, cloak and daggering their half empty bottles of Old Style like precious cargo.

"Me and CrazyLiz."

"I don't know if I could gather enough thoughts together to come up with any sort of plot. I've never been good at plots."

"You could totally do it."

"And then I could dedicate it to you in the front. Like, of the book, and it could say, 'To Beth, Who Is Extremely Sneaky, and Tricked Me Into Dedicating This Word Dumpster To Her."

"Because She Wants To See Her Name In Print."

"Exactly," I start the engine and power up the radio. "So where are you living now?"

"Uh, Evanston."

"Yeah, I didn't even realize you were back in the country. I'm all pissed, because I don't know anyone in Africa anymore," I get a glimpse in my rear view mirror of the trail of cars behind me. "It made me feel cultured and special. Degrees of separation to a faraway continent and all that."

Beth laughs, "I don't think I could have stayed in Senegal much longer."

"Still, it's crap. You were my African Connection. Now I'm going to have to like, convince someone to move to Namibia."


"Sorry, hold on, stop talking, no talking no talking hold on hold on." Turn up the radio and start singing along with the song. "SAY you will, say you wi-i-il, be mine toni-ight--"

She starts laughing. "Is this Foreigner?"

I raise my eyebrows and smirk sideways. "You know it."

"Do you seriously listen to Foreigner?" Snickers.

Shock and befuddlement. "Do you seriously read my blog every day?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought it was kind of like, you know, a novelty thing."

"No fucking way man, listen to Lou Gramm, this is awesome in its simplicity," I turn it up a little higher, "Oh--won't--you SAY you will, SAY you won't--"

"That is hilarious! It's not just like, a blog thing?"

"Make up your--What? Did you think I was lying or something?"

"No, but I just thought...I don't know...who loves Foreigner?"

"Um, who loves bacon?" I sneer. "Fucking everyone. Even vegetarians slip for bacon."

"I love that you really love Foreigner."

"Duh, of course I do. Just like I really love Teen Wolf."

Beth keeps doing that surprised scoffish "huh" thing, all gaping and perplexed until we turn onto the Kalina's court, the line of cars trailing behind us as the song slips into "I Wanna Know What Love Is," and Beth asks again if this is Foreigner as I serenade her and nod with flourish.

Man, I love Foreigner.



Nikki B. said...

bacon's good

Anonymous said...

I too love Foreigner. Saw them on the Agent Provocatour with Joe Walsh at the Rosemont Horizon, what is now Allstate Arena, over in your neck of the woods.

And then Lou Gramm went all biblical . . .

Red said...

I love singing cheesy (sorry, it is) music. Or almost any music, but cheesy is a special kind of fun. Also 'cause the fact that I know the words to, say, "We Built This City" or "Surrender" bugs the hell out of EG.

I know you can show me, Rassles.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

So, I've been to Africa. But I don't live there. Namibia was actually pretty cool. I have a picture of a phone store that I took there on my desk top. The H in phone is backwards.

Also, I don't slip for bacon.

Anonymous said...

MMM bacon.
MMM Foreigner.
MMM name dropping people who live in other countries.

Anonymous said...

Who loves Foreigner? If you have to ask that question, you don't deserve to ask that question. Chances are I would have pulled over and made the person after that comment.

I'm also pretty sure you used the title of a Foreigner song when you reviewed my blog.

Del-V said...

My xenophobia prevents me from enjoying Foreigner.

Mrs. Booms said...


Mrs. Booms said...

Okay, I needed to breathe for a moment.


I mean let's face it we all know I love Foreigner, TeenWolf and the fucking bacon.


Jason tried to delete the ol'TW off of my DVR.

I think this is the real reason we are not getting along today.

Wait, what the fuck? Seriously?

I have to go and think about this.

Mrs. Booms said...

Okay... wait again,

I had to come back to say this:

There are two bands that are going to guarantee that whatever ring I'm wearing in the bar is going to come home bent and mangled from my pounding the bar, while I sing loudly and ask for another pitcher.

Journey and Foreigner.

If you can't say that? Well?

Shit, just well.

Anonymous said...

mmmm, bacon. you should totally post the bacon flowchart. it makes so much sense.
oh yeah, foreigner has been stuck in my head since the watchmen. thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

Foreigner rules...so does Journey...so does bacon (extra crispy for me please). I'd be curious to know exactly how many times we've played juke box hero on a juke box at the bar, and then called ourselves juke box heroes...with stars in our eyes...and one guitar...

Anonymous said...

I can't deal with bacon. It smells like the meat-packing plant in my hometown.

And I can't deal with designated driving after I DD'd two frat parties in college, and each person in my carload promised, like, 50 other people I'd drive them home. Booo. Never again.

But Foreigner? That'll get a soul THROUGH mornings of bacon and nights of DD'ing. You know that poem about footprints in the sand and God carrying the sad bastard during the bad times? God's walking with Foreigner on his headphones.

Le Meems said...

Word Dumpster.

You and I need to go dumpster diving one day, oh the treasures we'd find. man.

also, I really DO want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

Anonymous said...

Huh. Why has nobody mentioned Asia? Or Survivor?

Anonymous said...

I don't want everyone to like Foreigner. How would I sort people, otherwise?

(BTW, fuck you for putting "Say You Will" into my head. I start off humming it, 5 minutes later, I'm belting it out as loud as possible.

Me: Say you will, be mine toniiiiight.

Boy: No.)

Anonymous said...

I'm setting aside $50 bucks for the word dumpster as we speak.
And I'm kicking your ass for making me think of nothing but bacon right now.

Kitty said...

Friggin love Foreigner. Great vodka drinking music.

Mia Watts said...

Bacon should form a rock group. I'd go to hear the sizzle.

Thanatos said...

My colleague was asked in an interview "How would you improve a perfect nothing?"

I would have said "add bacon".

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's generational. Or perhaps geographical. But I love bacon waaaaaaaay more that Foreigner.

derfina said...

The Unit works in Nigeria. If we come to Chicago, I'll introduce ya!

Unknown said...

I'm currently having a heart attack that you put me into half of your story. I don't really know you that well irl but I promise to never again confuse you with people who might wear retro Pac-Man tee-shirts and don't even understand and don't care, just because retro is in fashion. You have my sincerest apologies.

You may have heard me unearth this story last weekend, but I was at this buffet in Wisconsin last month. It was pretty much the best buffet EVER...because the first thing the waitress asks you is how many pancakes you want and if she can bring you a pitcher of orange juice, and the buffet had breakfast AND lunch (and no salad bar). I came back to my table with birthday cake and bacon only on my plate. Everyone was all, "Huh? We thought you were vegetarian." and I was all "This is the most majestic buffet plate I have EVER seen, and no personal moral conflicts can keep me away from birthday cake AND bacon!" Now as for Foreigner...

renalfailure said...

In the immortal words of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force while he was donning the Foreigner belt: "I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!"

paperback reader said...

I love Foreigner, but hate foreigners. It's a difficult distinction, but one easily explained by the fact that most foreigners don't rock my socks off.

American in Sydney said...

Foreigner and bacon? I'm coming over. Make mine crispy.

Rassles said...

Nikki: Short and to the point. I like it.

Tysdaddy: I am insanely jealous, as I haven't seen Foreigner since they played Ribfest in 2005. And the Lou Gramm Band, as far as Christian rock goes, tolerable, but mostly just because of Lou Gramm. God loves him.

Red: Grace Slick is another one of my favorites, but I can't decide if my favorite revitalization of her band is Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, or Starship.

Ambiblob: Thank god I've got another world traveler.

Duck: It just makes me feel cool, you know?

Chowner: I believe it was a quote from "Urgent," but yeah, I totally did.

Del-V: I believe I've heard that somewhere before...

Boomer: You completely embody that which is good taste, and I will challenge anyone to a serious game of Rock Paper Scissors should they dare to disagree. They don't know what I've got cooked up, but let's just say I'm throwing the Avalanche: three rocks. They won't know what fucking hit 'em til they're down.

Rassles said...

MoLinder: You are welcome. Snyder should have used an all-Foreigner soundtrack.

Schmee: Remember when we were going to make a Christmas card based on "Jukebox Hero" and then it lost all momentum and faded away, just like the majority of our awesome ideas?

Erin: You are CRAZY for being all non-bacony. But I'm pretty sure that footprints reference is the most poetic and soulful thing I've ever read in my life. A single tear flows down my cheek.

Le Meems: Sometimes people frown upon the glory of finding things in dumpsters and back alleys. I say those people are crazy.

Wolf: Two valid band references, to be sure, but I think the reason they remain unmentioned is this: They are not Foreigner.

Ginny: You're right -- I'm sorry. I'll do the best I can to keep the references far more guarded. It's just that, every time I think of Foreigner, it feels like the first time I ever heard "Feels like the first time."

Mongo: You think my book could sell for $50? I am goooood.

Foreigner: Also goes well with PBR.

Mia: Their first single could be "Blue Morning, Eat Bacon.

Rassles said...

Thanny: I would have hired you on the spot.

Franklin: You love bacon more than Foreigner loves bacon, or bacon surpasses Foreigner on your scale of things you love? Either way, I believe you.

Derfina: YES! Connection!

Beth: You know that I'm not angry, right? I think it's hilarious. Also, I'm sorry for being such a jackass and focusing on talking about Foreigner instead of letting you speak about things that are far more interesting than how much I love a band.

RF: I completely forgot about that, and how could I? Shiiit. I feel inadequate.

Pistols: That is one of the reason I always wear socks when I listen to Foreigner. Otherwise, I mean, other articles of clothing might get rocked off, and then I will feel the polarity of the comfort of Foreigner and the discomfort of being fucking naked.

Flora: Will do, but I gotta make a run to Aldi first. I'm totally out of bacon.

Me: You are the best blogger on the planet, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Twice.

Mia Watts said...

I'm sure GoK is delish but shall pass on the biscotti this time. Prefer taking from the source.

A Free Man said...

I'm pretty sure my "first time" involved the words 'Is this Foreigner?'