New Guy Dean: Unlike you, I'm still a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole...
Me: It's okay. I'm a square peg wondering why holes are necessary.
This happened earlier today. Here. It's odd how comfortable I am with that concept, and then I get all uncomfortable because I should feel discomfort, and do not, and then I get pissed because I just consciously scared myself into thinking I had to fit somewhere.
The mind is a tricky little bitch. Or a shady feeble dick.
After all, we're about equality here. Nothing like snapping stereotypes in half by painting duplicitous women and impotent men. Because no one's ever done that before*.
I've decided that instead of searching for an existing idea or belief to fit inside, it's far easier just to start a new one. Religion, feminism. I take issue with some schools of feminism. We don't need women to be more like men, we need women to be confident in being themselves, whether they are highly feminine, exceedingly masculine, or a various mix of the two.
I'm obsessed with watching Tough Love on VH1, (cable? I shake my fist at you) and I sit there in fury at the fuck-off creators of this show, convincing women that they need to get married to be happy, and that they'll never value themselves until they're loved by a man**. Shouldn't the show focus more on building the assurance that these women are capable and strong with or without a relationship? I know, that's not what the show's about. The show is about desperate women going crazy without a stable guy to keep them grounded.
The problem is, I start believing it. Oh, well yeah, that makes sense. I should try to hide that about myself until someone is ready to handle it, this guy knows what he's talking about. And then I get all bitchcrazy, because it's all, yeah, why don't I have a boyfriend?
And I have to remind myself that I am stronger than fucking VH1.
So yeah. I am subject to that lapse of nonsense, and I feel inferior for giving in, even if it's just for five minutes. Because I can't give in. It would be easier, maybe, if I started with the make-up and the stylish clothes, if I worked out once in awhile, if I tried to look like everyone else and stopped talking about Teen Wolf and nudey touch***.
But I don't have to, and I don't want to, and I'm confused, because I feel like I should want to, so there's something wrong with me when I don't. And I feel that pressure, and push back even harder, because fuck you, I don't need that, stop trying to convince me otherwise. But look at how happy she is. What if I do need it, and I don't realize it? No. I'm fine just the way I am, where is this coming from? I haven't always been happy, remember? But that was self-pity because nothing was happening. So you happened, remember? You fixed it. Your head is healthier now. No it's not, because that fear is back, the fear of dormancy, what if I tricked myself into the wrong answer?**** Fucking summer. Screw it. Start acting.
Who wants to go for a bike ride?
Pah. Nevermind. I do not need someone to go with me. It is all right to ride my bike alone.
* Please catch the sarcasm. I don't want another issue on my hands like when I said I was going to buy a rug from Pottery Barn so I could be original and everyone had to point out that Pottery Barn was the exact opposite of original. Duh. I know. That's why I said it, jerks.
** What about lesbians?
*** I know exactly what you're going to say: "whatever, I love Teen Wolf and nudey touch, it's what makes you awesome and/or is totally normal." And that's why I like having you guys around. Perhaps you'll say that I can talk about Teen Wolf and nudey touch AND wear the make-up and styley clothes. But that's not me, you see.
**** There is no deep dark secret here. I just used to be extremely self-loathing and depressed, and wondered why nothing ever happened to me, good or bad. It was just this string of sameness and boredom, and I thought that I needed just someone to help me out of it, until it occurred to me that "someone" was unnecessary, because I was "someone."