Monday, April 20, 2009

Take That, Rain.

The handle of my umbrella juts out of the corner of my purse when it's not raining. Sure, I have a smaller, lighter umbrella that I could carry, but it's all cockamamie and horsefeathers and gets lazy and inverted way too easily. Passive, weak, piece of shit umbrella.

I've been trucking around with the good one for over a week and I never get to use it. I keep missing the rain by minutes. The rain knows, I think, that my umbrella would whoop its ass.

So instead, I strut around the Loop in pinstripe pants and dirty Pumas, the staple of office-hour commuters, grasping the handle of my umbrella at my waist like the hilt of a sword.

I hawk at the sky, challenging the clouds.

Try me. I dare you.

At least until the bus gets here.



American in Sydney said...

I wish I could be there when it finally does rain, so I can see you whip it out and go all wet ninja on everyone.

Anonymous said...

I have a pink one. With pictures of pink girls using their own pink umbrellas. And my favorite moment of every football season comes when it rains on game day. And Owen asks, "Hey, do we own an umbrella?"

Oh yes we do, big fella.

(I, too, would like to see you put that bad boy into use. I picture a Michael Jackson video, with you taking a break from the coreographed dancing/crotch-grabbing, putting your face up, rainward, and doing a big "AAAAAHHHHH!" right into it.

Anonymous said...

I've never been a fan of umbrellas, until I went back to school. Nothing worse than dripping term papers . . .

Does rain even fall in The Loop?

Anonymous said...

samurai rassles vs rain. film at 11.

Mia Watts said...

"I hawk at the sky..."

Do jewels like this slip from you regularly? If ever we meet, I'll be toting a recorder to catch them.

Gwen said...

"Passive, weak, piece of shit umbrella"

I feel like every umbrella I've ever owned matches that description. Now I just face the rain when it comes.

Mrs. Booms said...

That umbrella would totally omnibot that rain.

And the word horsefeathers makes me laugh because my dad yells it at random.

And then one time he told me that his dentist had horse fingers and I laughed and said, "You mean he had hooves?"

Nikki B. said...

mother nature is such a BITCH!!

Anonymous said...

My cheap pink Chinese umbrella went into a dumpster Sunday after I got soaked trying to open it. And when I say Chinese, I'm not being pejorative...husband actually bought it in China.

gyna said...

i can't believe you are asking for rain. it sucked on sunday getting to the airport all soggy from the rain.

and plus it is raining in toronto- i would normally be angry, but they have tunnels here! i haven't been outdoors at all in over 48 hours!!!

renalfailure said...

Daisy's comment gave me a great idea... you should be Samurai Cathy for Halloween.

formerly fun said...

I have the coolest ever umbrella and I never get to use it here because it rains for about five minutes every year. I should probably gift it to someone who lives where there are actual seasons.

Word ver today is snezplat:
I think that's the sound your boogs make when they hit your computer screen when you sneeze.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I have to find this "loop" someday.

Bluestreak said...

I've had an umbrella post in my mind for some time, well, mostly an umbrella etiquette post. Mother fuckers be brutal over here with the spoky-ass-poke-yer-fuckin-eye-out umbrellas.

Gypsy said...

I don't know why, but I never imagined you with a purse. A wallet, yes. A bag, yes. Purse. I don't know.

Also, horsefeathers is such a perfect word.

Rassles said...

Flora: I'm always going all wet ninja.

Ginny: I would love to see him standing there, sheltering his friends in shame and disgrace...

Brian: Only when I don't bring my umbrella, apparently.

Daisyfae: That is the best. idea. ever. What do you call an umbrella without a master?

Mia: Sometimes. But then someone, inevitably, tells me that whatever word I chose is not a proper verb. I'll show them verb, sons of bitches.

Gwen: Useless umbrellas are the absolute worst, you know. But facing the rain? That's balls.

Boomer: Shit, I forgot about omnibotting. I needed that reminder. Someday, I'm publishing our list.

Nikki: She's an elusive whore.

Franklin: I was going to say, how do you get a Chinese umbrella? And then I was going to say something racist. I shall refrain.

Gyna: Whatever, you're in Canada. You know nothing of my struggle.

RF: That is a genius idea. Now I need a Chin-Finn sidekick.

FF: Take a vacation to Chicago in like a week. You'll use it every day.

Ambiblob: It's nothing special. Just the business district. Lots of buildings, lots of wind. Rain when I don't want it.

Blues: Good golly, I know. People are brutal with their umbrellas.

Gypsy: That's hilarious, because I definitely contemplated that line for about five minutes, thinking, "Well, technically it's a purse, but it's more of a small messenger bag. Should I say bag? Should I come across as more hipster urban and say full on messenger? Will that sound snobby? Fuck it, purse it is."

A Free Man said...

It rained here for the first time since like December. I whipped out my brolly and it just like crumbled. Shitty Australian workmanship.

Rassles said...

Freeman: "Brolly?" I love it. Love it, love it, love it.