Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Heart Wants What It Wants

About five minutes ago I needed a candy bar. I mean needed, like my heart had two Twix-sized stab wounds and they desperately ached to be clogged back up with chocolatepeanutbuttery goodness.

So I pay a visit to Rahm, the convenience store guy in the lobby of our office building. He asks why I never get Cherry 7up anymore. I tell him he needs to get rid of that bullshit antioxidant crap that he ordered. He says he ordered it for me. I ask if I look like I need antioxidants. He says no, they delivered the wrong kind. I tell him he should get a refund, and some real goddamn Cherry 7up with as many oxidants as they can fit in the goddamn can.

It is a thrilling conversation.

So I hop back on the elevator, dreaming of the Twix I'm about to shove down my throat, when a very handsome young gentleman with an armful of paperwork runs in there with me just before the doors close.

"Thanks," he breathes, as if I held the doors open for him with my mind or something.


He smiles and looks away quickly, leaning his body towards the elevator buttons, but he can't properly reach them.

I jump. "Oh, sorry--what floor?"

"Thirteen. Thanks."

"Welcome." I don't know any other words, apparently.

Several seconds go by before he breaks the silence. "Nice," he says, eyeing my candy bar. "A candy bar seems like an excellent idea right now."  Holy hell, he's got that cool, rippled, rusted (oxidized?) twilight MCA voice.  I can feel myself shifting.

"I know, right?" I nod wisely, and lock my eyes onto his.  My voice drops low and smokey. "The heart wants what it wants."

He looks uncomfortable.


Oh holy fuck and a half, am I coming onto him? Via candy bar, no less? He totally thinks...he thinks I'm disgusting. Break eye contact. Laugh.

We chuckle.  Awkward. Shifting.

Simultaneous sighs.

The elevator doors ding open.

I exit the elevator, stop, and smack myself on the forehead with my candy bar.

Before the doors close.



gyna said...


(and don't act like you weren't hitting on him via twix, it is obvious you totally were. classic.)

Rassles said...

I think I was hitting on the candy bar.

Rassles said...

How cool would it be if I could pull that off, though, instead of instead of shocking myself with my unintentional retarded version of coy?

renalfailure said...

Mental note: if ever in Chicago to hang with Rassles, have Twix bars on hand.

Schmee said...

jks;djkaj;dfkas;fd...classic was exactly what I was thinking too gyna. HOORAY!

Mrs. Booms said...

You like wrote the book on smoove.

Nikki B. said...

sounds to me like your heart seized the right hemisphere of your brain, held it hostage and forced it to spit out, "the heart wants what it wants..." and goddamn it, all it wants is to be heard!

seriously hilarious!!

when i read the part about the dude stepping on the elevator, and you said "welcome"...i first thought that was how your greeted people coming in, like it was fucking YOURS!! like, "welcome, glad you're here."

then i got my head out of my ass and realized what you meant...

Thanatos said...

At least you're polite.

And smooth.

Red said...

The only reason he didn't ask you out is that he's taken. Possibly also gay.

Blues said...

Dammit, I was hoping you were gonna end up eating candy bar bites out of eachothers mouths before you reached the 13th floor.

Blues said...

Now I'm starving for a candy bar. And Cherry 7 up. Do you know how long it's been since I've even thought of Cherry 7 up. OMIGOD, I NEED Cherry 7 up. 10 more weeks to home. I think Cherry 7 up my be the first thing on my to-do list when I get home.

Anonymous said...

You made the switch from idle chit chat to sheer brilliance in conversation. And he choked . . .

Happens all the time . . .

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Elevator conversations are much more uncomfortable than convenience store ones.

Anonymous said...

I like the spin that thecheekofgod put on it

Gwen said...

Ok this is going to sound really weird, but I've had that particular phrase (The heart wants what it wants) in my head ever since I saw the Mentalist the other night and Patrick Jane said it. So when I clicked on your blog it freaked me out a little bit. What happened to you? That awkwardness of saying something to someone and then worrying that they thought that you were coming on to them in some way? It's happened to me more times than I can count. But I have the lowest self-esteem, so I usually have even worse dialogue in my head, like, "He's probably so revolted at the thought of having sex with you. You ruined his whole day with that terrible image." Yeah, I need help. Twix bars are awesome.

MoLinder said...

hahaha. what happened to your kick ass elevator conversation skills that you were telling me about the other day?

Anonymous said...

That's the line Woody Allen used to explain his partnership with Soon Yi Farrow... and i got it. Twix bar. Paper-carrying hottie. 18 year old step daughter. Yeah...

Sarah said...

He was definitely gay.

Nothings aplenty said...

(recognizes a kindred spirit)
*big big grin*

cant tell you how many times i've had to smack my forehead like that. :D

Anonymous said...

I know you're sick to death of hearing me say this, but you're adorable.

Dude went back to his cubicle and wished he could have been more suave with Twix Girl (as he will henceforth mentally refer to you). Why does he always choke with funny, smart chicks? He wishes he knew.

Le Meems said...

ok, "Acid Jazz Album" by St. Germaine perfectly narrates this story. Oh wow.

SSG said...

I gotta steal this as it would so totally work one day. Mmmmm twix love. Do twixes in the US really have peanut butter in them?

Mister Crowley said...

"Oh. Mr. Tyler. going...down?"

Sid said...

hahaha. that's fucking brilliant. you're the equivalent of the fat, creepy guy who keeps staring at young girls boobs. oh that's how it appeared in the story, anyway (=

Love Bites said...

I'm impressed with your mad conversational skills, Rass. You're almost as smooth as me.

Last night, to my daughter and her friend, in reference to the Deftones: "I like it hard."

Of course, there was the inevitable "that's what she said."

Erin said...

"The heart wants what it wants."

If he didn't think that was adorable, he's definitely gay.

Anonymous said...

I bet he's hanging out in the lobby of your building watching all the elevators RIGHT NOW!

Nikki B. said...

was thinking about this...haven't you seen the commmercials?? this scenario is EXACTLY why there are two of those little twix stix in the package.

you missed a golden opportunity to very sexily and seductively tear open the package and hand him one of your twix. he likely would have been yours forever after that.

unless...well, unless he wasn't "share-my-chocolate-with-you" kinda cute. was he more, "decent-to-look-at-if-you're-stuck-on-an-elevator" cute??

A Free Man said...

Fucking with random people on elevators is one of the things that gets me through the day. Revel in it.

American in Sydney said...

Now of course I wish I had a Twix bar. Are you shy?

haha- my word verification is: quite

I guess that answers my question.

Next time share the candy bar with the guy-- he obviously wanted some and sounds like you wanted a little piece of him too.

Uh, yeah. Thanks. Welcome.

wolf said...

Yeah, he's still kicking himself, wishing he had said something suave and cool in response. Good job - you got him doubting himself without even trying!

Kat said...

I love riding the elevator at work, you never know who you're going to meet. I bet he thought you were totally cute, or totally crazy...either one is cool in my book.

Rassles said...

RF: But they must be peanutbutter Twix. This is very, very important.

Schmee: Dude, anti-hooray. I'm a friggin idiot.

Boomer: I did, you have no idea. I am easily the smoovest motherfucker around. I am so smoove I make Loggins jealous.

Nikki: Did you know that was my superpower? To get heads out of asses?

Thanny: At least I got out of the elevator when I was supposed to.

Red: Or, it could be because I'm an idiot.

Blues: If only. That kind of stuff never happens to me.

Brian: I like that. I'll think of it that way: I am a conversational genius, and it's up to them to keep up with me. Unfortunately, I know this isn't true.

Ambiblob: My conversations with attractive guys always go completely awry, regardless of location.

Nurse: Me too. Makes me feel more competent.

Gwen: What do you mean, "what happened to me?" Dude, my game is more pathetic than giving a bath to a puppy. And you're spot on with the interior monologue. I probably completely gross him out. Any flirtatious advances I could possibly make would just disgust whoever I'm talking to. But, you know. Whatever. I live with it.

MoL: That's with like, anyone that isn't a cute guy.

Daisy: He might not even have been that hot. It's spring. Fucking everyone is hot right now.

Sarah: Or perhaps he has standards.

Nothings: In front of people no less? I know. Usually it's in secret, but sometimes they see me. That's the worst.

Ginny: No, he went back to his cubicle and reveled in the ridiculous relationship he just narrowly avoided. Why do creepy girls who love their Twix always talk to him?

Meems: Is it socially awkward and too familiar with strangers? Because then, yes.

SSG: Ahh, you see, Twix has a special pizzazzy peanutbuttery counterpart. There's regular Twix, and then there's it's luscious cousin, PB Twix. And I hope it works, because with me? It's just odd.

Crow: Yeah, because then he would have dropped all of his paperwork and become my love slave.


LB: Zing.

Erin: I sure as shit didn't think it was adorable. I think my Twix liked it, though.

Franklin: I think he's telling all of his coworkers about the scary forward girl in the elevator, warning them I'm armed with delicious candies, like the witch in Hansel and Gretl.

Nikki: I should have ripped that candy open and shoved a piece in my mouth so I could have covered up the situation, I know. Alas, false advertising.

Freeman: Usually, I have no problem with it, unless they're cute.

Flora: I'm only shy when there's hot guys. But apparently, I still manage to come on to them without even thinking about it.

Wolf: No way. He's hoping he'll never run into me again, I know it. I'm just afraid that if I see him again, I'll try to explain myself.

Kat: Crazy. For sure.

Scooter said...

Dude remember when they stopped making peanut butter twix for a little while?? What the hell was the deal with that shit?

Gypsy said...

I'm going downstairs right now for chocolate of some kind. My ever-expanding butt thanks you.

Also? I can't seem to speak in elevators. Every word gets out in the wrong spot.

Teen Wolf said...

You need to write Teen Wolf: The Return

That was the writing equivalent of a quadruple double.

Rassles said...

Scooter: I cannot keep all of your alter-egos straight, because I have to respond to each of them differently. So, since this is can fucking read? When did this happen?

Gypsy: Usually, I brag about my mad elevator skillz. Seriously. I'm not all, "Oh, how's the weather?" I'm all, "Dude, that guy at the front desk wears insane amounts of cologne."

Teen Wolf: and you are the character equivalent of, um...the best character EVER.

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