Friday, May 22, 2009

If You Leave Me Now...

I'm just going to come out and say it. No bullshit.

One of the best writers on the internet is a goddamn quitter. His blog is gone, his life is busy, fucking whatever. We are sooooooo in a fight right now.

Do you hear that, Pistols at Dawn? Can you feel my pain from states away? Can you feel the pain of us all, the loyal readers of Save Your Generation? No announcement to the troops, no, "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya," you're just going to disappear? I had to learn about it from Red and Del-V? Horsecock.

I really don't know how he can expect any of us to continue without him.

He might not have been a great man. Or even a good man. He might not have been humble, sensitive, or thoughtful. But goddammit he was clever, and hilarious to the point of tears, and one of the most original minds I've read. Other than my own. Of course. Even though sometimes reading his blog was downright eerie, considering his habit of sounding a lot like me. So, in reality, my devotion to Pistols was actually a devotion to myself.

Granted, most of his thoughts were a jumbley slathering of tedious references yoked together to form a coherent but pointless and slanted stance on something that no one in their right mind would give a shit about...but that was part of his charm and allure. Hook 'em with pretty, rhythmic prose and self-congratulatory assholery.

I would link his posts, but alas, cannot. He's gone and blocked the whole damn thing. However, I shall now introduce you to my secret weapon: something I like to call Google Fucking Reader: An Exercise in Cutting and Pasting. And now, here are some of my favorite Pistols moments.

Drunk Pistols (nearly as fun as drunk me, but not as obsessed with Bruce Willis, being a straight male):

Awesomer than you give it credit for: drinking all night in the middle of the week. Seriously, don't you have to be up in like an hour? Ans: effing paaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrty!

Good point. Well met, me.

Man, you know what's awesome? Everyone liking you enough to buy you drinks all night. That's like all the alcoholism minus all the cost: sweet-ass sweet. Also: boobs are even more majestic than previously believed. Still, girl: that Christian guy? Really? Also, sentences with colons in them: apparently my favorite thing.


And sober Pistols, complete with a perfect example of his typical reference-laden sentence structure:

One of the strangest aspects of describing something artistic to someone else is that everything becomes the third angle of a pop culture triangle - discernible in relation to two other fixed metaphorical points.

For example, if your friend says, "Hey, you went to see Black Kids last night - what do they sound like?" And since you saying, "Like a band that plays rock songs" wouldn't help anyone, you'd say something like, "Like a Cure album playing over a club's PA while New Order sound checks their synthesizers and backing vocals."

And that wouldn't be quite right, but it'd be close enough, mostly because the person who asked was only being polite and didn't really care anyway.

So you know. Enjoy that, and tonight I will be getting very, very drunk, singing the sweet tunes of Peter Cetera in memory of the one that blogged away.

But really, I'll be enjoying the spring. Gyna: bikes tonight? Bikes tonight. Please and hope so.

On another note: If any of you decide to up and quit for good, please let me know, so I can grieve properly alone in my room and listen to "If You Leave Me Now" on a loop, instead of waiting for your triumphant return in vain.

...

Later Edit: I would like to let everyone know that Pistols' excuse is the following:

...Alas, there's just a lot going on these days and I can barely make time for that, let alone making a bunch of dick jokes on the interweb...

Which I'm sure is part of the standard email he sent to all of his fans, because he's really quite lazy.

...

14 comments:

Nikki B. said...

are there any other clever, hilarious and original bloggers out there i need to know about??

ya know, BEFORE they quit blogging and all i'm left with is this goddamn emptiness. this emptiness that, not only did i not know needed filling...it's an emptiness that i didn't even know was goddamn there!!!

gyna said...

dude, i think i have that song on vinyl if you want to listen (and perhaps the fonz's album could cheer you up as it is awesomeness).

and bikes- HECK YES.

and i wish work was over already today. stupid work.

prayingtodarwin said...

Is it gone, or did he just go private?

Rassles said...

Oh, he's gone AND private. Very upsetting. I'm guessing he doesn't want to delete the blog, but he doesn't want to get anymore comments.

renalfailure said...

I'll be damn sure to let you know if I decide to stop doing Renal Failure. I'm even giving my blog log-in info to a friend in the event of my sudden death to tell everyone what happened to me. The members of the T-Lott Posse will be among the first to know.

Maybe this Pistols situation will reform from "If you leave me now" into "It's Hard For Me to Say I'm Sorry." Everybody needs a little time away... I heard her say... from each other...

prayingtodarwin said...

Was he getting dickhead comments? Death threats? Recruitment attempts by Scientologists? I have questions!

Gwen said...

Awww, Rassles. I'm sorry you're sad. I wish I would have read that blogger's brilliance when it was still alive and kicking. Alas, I missed out. Hope he returns to you. On another note, I will be sure to let you know, or I'll have Todd let you know, if I won't be a-blogging anymore. Have a fun weekend!

Kitty said...

I remember his brilliant comments here and even made it over to his blog a few times.

Ages ago when blogs were called "online journals" I used to read this funny chick every day. Suddenly she pulled it without warning, no return address, no nutin. It was heartbreaking.

A year or two later, she had a book out about her experiences with online journaling. Now she writes for tv.

Schmee said...

oooooooooo no baby please don't go...

sid said...

Do you know how many ppl I had to email to get Pistols' address just to ask what the fuck happened to him? I can't believe how insensitive he is. And I don't even have old blog posts to fall back onto.

Blues said...

I'm thinking what Nikki B wrote, any other blogs out there I should be reading that I'm not?

I feel you on this one. One of my favorite bloggers up and stopped out of the blue, and even though she technically said good bye I still miss her so much and always wonder about her.

On the other hand, I also understand the need to stop and the need to focus on relationships with real physical proximity and vested interest as opposed to sometimes seemingly flimsy and seemingly weaker online ones. Ties maybe seem easier to sever online, although I don't feel that way and in some cases feel much closer to my blogger friends than flesh and blood friends. I certainly share more of myself with blogger friends.

So, yeah, if you ever try to pull something like this, I'll be on the next flight to Chicago searching my way through pub crawl trains screaming out "RASSLES!!!!!!!!!!!" until I'm kicked off the train.

Le Meems said...

Oh man. I facebooked the fuck our of that crazy Pistols. To no avail. He won't answer.

But my fondest memory, is the day I hijacked his comment section with snarky lines of anal beads and the poop falling out...

Mr London Street said...

I'm disappointed too - I loved pistols' blog. He commented on my blog once. I may have to frame a screenprint of that moment.

Rassles said...

Nikki: Um, well...there's my blogroll. Still, there was no one quite like Pistols.

Gyna: You know, last Friday? This comment seemed so much more hopeful and glorious, before the trainwreck of drunk.

RF: That is a genius idea, and I think I'm going to do the same exact thing. Oh: and don't you fucking ever quit on me.

Ginny: Nope. Girlfriend. (I don't know if that's why or not, but I'm just going to pretend it is.)

Gwen: I think I'll be okay. But yeah, I need to know if you're shit's going away.

Kitty: That's definitely a comfort.

Schmee: ooooooooo no, I just want you to stay-ay

Sid: It was all so sudden, you know?

Blues: I was worried about you for awhile there, but you always come out swinging.

Meems: Making all of those fans squirm. Ha. We fucking rule.

Mr. London: I'm thinking about printing out every comment he ever wrote to me and sleeping with the list under my pillow at night.