Monday, May 11, 2009

P4C7: Ten Drunks Are Way Easier To Manage Than Forty

SCENE: Saturday afternoon, Pub Chugga Chugga Choo Choo 7. A train car. Ten friends are sitting on the upper deck, laughing, drinking, discussing television commercials.

"You guys remember that Herbal Essences commercial where the woman has an orgasm in the shower--"

The conductor below us stops snapping cash from his money belt and starts darting his head around like a scared bird. "What? Who said that?"

Dainon waves slightly, stoic.

"YOU---VESTIBULE! NOW!" the humorless conductor points all haphazardly around the train car. "We don't need that kind of language on here."

"I'm sorry, sir." Dainon is visibly confused. "It won't happen again."

"I don't want to hear it. You can't say that on a train! There are children on this train!" (There is not one child in our entire train car.) "I don't appreciate that kind of language, and neither does anyone else."

"Sir, I didn't curse..."

"I'm not trying to be funny, I don't want to hear that kind of language, mister."

"I understand, sir, but I didn't curse."

"Your language is--" blah blah blah. I don't even know, this guy made no sense whatsoever.

"I will try to watch my language, sir, I apologize."

"You better." Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Five minutes later, we arrived at our train stop, and we get the hell off that train. The conductor is helping people board and de-board.

"Fuck that guy." I'm annoyed, and full of liquid courage. "ORGASM."

"Orgasm!" an echo.

"ORGASM!" a chorus!

"We got off, are you happy?"


Slinger gets closer. "You're just pissed you've never had one." The conductor's head snaps forward, and he stretches out his arm, a two-fingered beckon to Slinger to say it within arm's reach.

We laugh, because now we're bullies. Orgasm? That's the word that makes you quake with fury? Really? Drunk Dave is on the verge of swiping your neat little hat and teabagging your head, and your temper flares when we name-drop an Herbal Essences commercial in jest?

Anyway, then we got drunker, and me and Bobbay tried to learn how to play the bagpipes from Marc, a kilt-sportin' bagpiper from Northern Ireland. He was in a parade earlier that day, where he played his pipes for the Mayor, and he realized he split his bag so he had to duct tape it together and it was really hard to blow.

(Oh, I really liked typing that last sentence.)



Nikki B. said...

fucking prude!!

oh, and on that last was just as enjoyable to read!!!

Blues said...

Well the FCC seemed to think it was okay. Damn that guy is dying for an Herbal Essence shower.

Maybe he had seen the commercial and thought it was porn and then smacked himself in the head repeating, "Bad boy, bad boy" while rocking back and forth. And then when your friend brought it up it brought back shameful memories.

Mrs. Booms said...

Seriously? Orgasm? For shame.

My word verification is brest, that seems fitting.

Mongolian Girl said...

Orgasms only offend me when I'm not the one having one.
And that sentence? Yeah.

renalfailure said...

My mind has drifted to the beginning of Full Metal Jacket where R. Lee Ermey is bitching out Matthew Modine. Except with one significant change...

"Let me see your O-Face!"
"Your O-Face! OOOHHH! That's an O-Face! Now let me see your O-Face!"
"Bullshit, you don't scare me!"

It's been an odd day for me...

Anonymous said...

if the last sentence were the opening line of a novel? i'd read the entire thing in one sitting. if it were the opening line of a song? i'd sing it in a parade...

formerly fun said...

wow, so he was mormon fundamentalist right? wait, even thery're ok with orgasm(as long as it's for procreation and not self-gratification)

Anonymous said...

And, FF, only if they're wearing Mormon-issued, regulation underwear.

A Free Man said...

I really liked reading that last sentence. You know what else I like - not living in the land of sexually repressed fascists anymore...

Oh wait, that sounded all smug and superior and shit.

OneZenMom said...

Oh, I think I'd have had to give that prudish conductor and scathingly brilliant lecture on the difference between "bad" words and accurate descriptions of bodily functions. But, that's just me: I'm an obnoxious know-it-all when I'm drunk. :)

Oh, and the bagpipes? Made me giggle.

Anonymous said...

my verification word today is creen

is that too dirty for a bus conductor?

Kitty said...

Wow, I felt like I was on that train.

I so love your writing. Every word.

Mister Crowley said...

Marissa, Marissa.

Gwen said...

What the hell? I love the word orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.

I like having them too. I think your friend is right. Something tells me that conductor hasn't had much experience with them.

Mia Watts said...

Possibly his wife started the day off with a rant on his inadequate abilities in providing the requisite Orgasms. Ticket guy is still shocked to discover he's not a great lover.

He misunderstood the part about women preferring men in uniform. Sour grapes.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

This one time, at science camp, (okay, it was in science CLASS. whatever.) I was reading a page aloud from the class. I saw "organic" and read "orgasmic". D'oh! The teacher could tell I was mortified and quieted the class' laughter. Stupid organic.
But even HE didn't get pissed and we were totally a bunch of children with virgin ears.

Erin said...

AH! I had forgotten about that commercial.

Please clone Marc so that there can be at least one of him in every state. Happy times for the many mayors of America.

Gypsy said...

I think that was the best double entendre sentence ever.


Schmee said...

That just may have been have been the most fun I've had on a PCCCC yet. And I can't believe you remembered Marc's name! I only remembered that he drank Guiness cuz all we had to do was buy him a pint of it to make him play the bag pipes again. Uh-mazing. you forgot to mention Shannon Irish dancing with a broken foot and Bobbay reminded me about how the bag piper hat she was wearing caught on fire....akfjd;sfkl

Anonymous said...

You make me want to park my car for a day, ride buses all around the city, and yell "Orgasm!" at every driver, just to see what happens.

Erin said...

This is a 1907 news story I saw last night while I was perusing PDFs of old newspapers. Past life as a Utah hoodlum?

Rassles said...

Nikki: Seriously, this guy sucked. I feel kind of guilty for ganging up on No, I don't.

Blues: Sitting in the corner with a whip wrapped in wire, beating himself mercilessly for ungodly thoughts...sounds about right.

Boomer: Shame indeed.

Mongo: I too find that offensive, and highly unfair.

RF: Now that I think about it, when Mr. Conductor was going on his little belittling spree, he totally had is war face on.

Daisy: If it were the only line in a movie, over and over and over again, said by a score of actors with different inflection...I'd get the academy award for screenwriting.

FF: Yeah, but then all the wives would get jealous of each other, and he'd have to bring each to fruition until they stopped fighting each other for gratification.

Franklin: Dude Mormom underwear is so weird.

Freeman: Smug, superior, and spot-on.

ZenMom: You should have seen me trying to play them. I though my face was going to explode.

Nurse: I'm sure he'd find something offensive about it.

Kitty: How's your script coming along? Can I read it?

Crow: Fucking creepiest video ever, you jackass. That man's face is permanently imprinted on my brain.

Gwen: Slinger is often right, but don't tell him I told you that, because then his fat head will get all fatter and stuff.

Mia: Or possibly his wife left him for the washing machine, because it has more sexual prowess.

Ambiblob: See? Science understands.

Erin: Unfortunately, Marc was kind of creepy. He wanted everyone to have a go at his pipes.


Schmee: I totally forgot that I kept on buying him beer. Fucking bar tab. And you're right - probably the best P4C ever.

Ginny: Don't do that shit without me.