Monday, May 4, 2009

Salespeople Must Hate Me.

"Welcome to AT&T! What can I do for you today?"

I feel defeated, because he's cute. I don't like it when the cute ones try to help me, because I get all rambly and defensive. Besides, I'm sunburned today, after sitting outside yesterday for five hours while my sister graduated from college. There's even a nice round white circle behind my necklace pendant thingy, and shit - he's looking at it. I grab the necklace and squeeze.

"I'm uh, just kind of...browsing. I got, um...I got an umm, oh, whatever it's called, a, ummm...upgrade. Phone upgrade. Thing? Because I'm down for one, or up for one, or whatever. You know. The whole new phone. Thing. Stop talking." Fucking seriously, I just told myself to stop talking out loud.

He smiles cleanly, friendly salesman-like. "Are you looking for a PDA, or a (couple other types of phones that mean nothing to me)?"

"I don't know. I just need a phone. Mine won't charge anymore. It's all discombobulated."

"How long have you had it?"

"I dunno, like three years or something."

"Well, we've got a great selection of (boogedy boogedy boogedy phone and I'm going to look up your account and then I'm going to show you a bunch of phones you have no interest in)."

"Sure, whatever."

He does his stuff, banging away on the keyboard. Nice jawline, all angular and ending at the ear, just like a jawline should--

"Can I have your phone number?"

"Hmmm?" I snap my head back up from it's little dreamy tilt. "For, uh...oh, okay." The computer. I close my eyes and shake my head, embarrassed, reciting my number.

"Okay," he says with a smile and a sigh, reading over my account information, and begins walking towards the phones. "So were you looking for something more like Blackberry? An iPhone? Or something else--"

I just interrupt him right away. "iPhones are pretty and all, but I can't help feeling they're pointless."

"The handy thing about them is all of the different applications you can download--"

"Yeah, um, other than Ninja Ropes and that app where you drink digital beer out of your phone, I don't really care about iPhones."

He takes me a step or two further towards the Blackberry phones, with all their extraneous buttons and little rolly mouse things. "What about something more like--"

"Yeah, I'm just going to stop you, because I really don't need all that extra fangly bizness all up in there."

"Extra...what? Okay."

"Sor," I shrug. He's showing me things I don't care about, and instantly his attractiveness wears off. "I just don't see the point. No one liked those little rolly things on laptops, either, what's the point of having them on phones?"

He chuckles, confused, "It is nicer for like, you know, checking your email--"

"Yeah I don't need the internet on there, I don't need an MP3 player, I don't need to watch movies or film things or whatever."

"Well I can pretty much tell you you're gonna find those options on nearly every phone on the market."

I glance at the line up of phones, bummed. "Balls."

He laughs again. "Well, let's say if you have all that on your phone, then you don't need your iPod anymore--" I start shaking my head as he continues, "--and you can get one of these hot little pink Croc cases--" He touches the stupid rubbery holey pink case thing, and I scoff, trying not to giggle. "--and that's not the route I should take with you."

"No, I don't have an iPod, I don't need one. And I didn't even know they made Croc phone cases," I laugh. "That's just dumb."

"Girl, what? You don't need one? You don't like music?"

"Like it just fine, I just can survive without one, so what's the point of making it essential? You know, like--"

"Okay, okay, they're nice for other things too, but I can see I can't convince you."

"Yeah, I just want a phone," guilty smile. "I want to make phone calls and text my friends. Maybe go over the monthly limit, I don't know, it's all up in the air."

"Well, we can change your plan for that."

"I don't really want to pay more, sooooo...no."

He looks up and down the wall and sighs. "You know, honestly, I think you're not going to find what you're lookin for here. You should just check the website."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. Look at the refurb phones. Like buying a used car and all that. You're taking a small chance, but you can probably get one for free, and then you're not losing money anyway."

"Just time and effort."

"Prolly worth it, for a simple phone. More environmentally friendly, anyway."

I like this guy again. "Well, thanks."

"Sure. Just doin' my job. You want to buy a car charger or anything? How about you come back after you get your new phone and check out the accessories?"

"So you get a commission anyway."

He nods and winks. "So I get a commission, exactly."

"Thanks, Terence."

"Have a good one, now."

Internet, here I come.

...

23 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Right. I have a laptop, what I need is a phone.

A Free Man said...

I just got a posh, touchy, whiz bang phone that I don't understand at all. It started doing something during my lecture last week. Playing bizarre dance music. I couldn't make it stop. One of my students said "Is that the Samsung XGH5428Xl Bizarro Phone"? I didn't know but gave it to her. She fixed it in a couple of finger taps.

"Do you want me to put it on silent?"

"No. Because I wouldn't know how to make it unsilent again."

She rolled her eyes at me.

These kids today have no respect for their professors.

formerly fun said...

Does the Iphone have a babysitter app, cause then I'd be all over that.

word ver balderdash

my word ver is weedino- what your dealer friend sells the highschool kids, a little weed and mostly oregeno--weedino

play along:)

Pueblo girl said...

And there I was, all overawed because you know how to use a computer for blogging and how to insert interesting things and so on, and it turns out that phones are phones to you too. How comforting...

Le Meems said...

Jesus Christ woman. You fucking KILL me.
Fucking seriously, I just told myself to stop talking out loud. HAH! I just squeezed myself in a self love hug and then rubbed my hands together, like an 8 year old kid does on Christmas Morning when they've first woken up, realized it was christmas and hope to god Santa brought that body-less barbie doll with the real hair barbie doll so she can practice being a hairdresser just like Truvy (Dolly Parton) in Steel Magnolia.

STOP TYPING MELISSA!

Mia Watts said...

I have no desire to be contacted when away from my desk or home. Nice not to always be available.

I tell myself that when the bank account buzzes a warning as I drool over them.

hereinfranklin said...

My phone is about 5 years old. It makes calls, takes pictures and sends and receives texts. But I feel the call of something more. Like a Siren...quick...somebody get me some earplugs.

daisyfae said...

i'm an enginerd by training. i have a really old phone that just flips open, calls people, and sends text messages. an ipod (really old) for travel. and a blackberry they gave me for work e-mail that i use to surf blogs, facebook and what not when i'm bored in work meetings. good enough...

guessing i won't be able to get a basic replacement when my phone poops out. crap.

Erin said...

Oh, man. I just got a Blackberry. But I'm also on Facebook and Twitter, so my soul was long gone anyway.

People made fun of my old phone for a long time. I thought it was fine. Good luck finding something simple.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

I went overboard and got too much phone on my upgrade. It's pointless, I should have either gone all the way and got a blackberry, or stuck with the basics- all I do is text people anyway.

nursemyra said...

I'm dreading the day my 5 year old Nokia dies. Coz i don't want a phone that does anything more than send and receive texts. I can't stand speaking into the damn things.

on a slightly different note I own a Breville Whizz that I bought 30 years ago. I know I know, it's older than you Rassles. But that was back in the day when appliances were expected to last more than 12 months

Mister Crowley said...

Screw the phone. I need a laptop.
And I think iPhones and iPods are pointless too.
Fucking Apple.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I get the same way around hottie hotness fellas. I LOVE feeling retarded in front of gorgeous men. No really... d'oh!
Also, you can blog from phones these days. It's way easier than dragging your laptop out to the bar for that post you MUST remember to write.

Blues said...

Your conversation made me all nervous.

I'm a fucktard with phones, it takes me forever to learn how they work and by the time I've figured it out, it is either obsolete, lost, or damaged because I had it in my pocket when i was pulling up my pants after going to the bathroom and it fell in the toilet and yes I had to stick my hand in there and pull it out, try to disinfect it, and then dry it with a hair dryer.

Motherfuckin phones.

Oh and my stupid Ipod lasted one year before it broke, I will never buy an Iphone or anything I-related.

wolf said...

One word: eBay.

Got my phone there (yes, it's a Blackberry, so what?) and have had no problems. Good luck!

Trouble said...

You're the only person I know who can make purchasing a new cell phone humorous.

God, that job must suck. Terence's, I mean.

Schmee said...

"Can I have your phone number?" ajdfkasd;dfsk;f that's amazing. Will you at least buy a phone with a keyboard since you refuse to learn how to use T9?? At least then you can respond in a timely manner when people text you...

oh and do you remember how long it took you to even by a cell phone in the first place??? and then you had your display greeting as "cell out"...haha

pueblo girl has a good point. It's weird how obsessed you are with the internet and computer tecnology, but even the option to have internet on a phone is blasphemy to you...hmmmm

renalfailure said...

I don't even pay for a monthly plan. I've got Virgin Mobile Pay-As-You-Go. They have some pretty basic phones, but then again I don't get many calls or texts anyway.

Gypsy said...

See, I would have been all, "Oooooh, shiny. Gimme!" About both the boy and the phone. Possibly not the boy considering I'm all heartbroken and swearing off men, but in my head a little I would have said gimme.

Chris said...

Go to Walmart or Target, buy a ATT pre-paid phone for $15 and pop your sim card in it.

http://www.walmart.com/browse/Cell-Phones/Prepaid-Cell-Phones/AT-T-Phones/_/N-7tpp?catNavId=651139&tab_value=9_All&ic=9_0&ref=125875.365101&search_sort=4&selected_items=+

Go back to the store and tell that kid to call you or youll go Teen Wolf on him.

Hell have no idea what you mean and neither do I. Just thought it sounds fun.

*Jazzhands*

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The only reason I would want to upgrade my old piece of shit Nokia is to take better pictures for my blog. I have missed many a shot and potentially awesome post because I didn't have a decent camera on me. I'd take the eBay route, too. We did, and got totally hosed, but live and learn. We have made out pretty well on our refurb stuff. Esp. the shit out of China. It usually has free shipping to boot.

Garrett said...

I have a basic LG Tracfone - no Internet or camera, just texting and phone.

Actually, I didn't even know my phone had text capability until Christmas, when a friend of mine sent over plans to meet up. Then I had to figure out on the fly how to text. I wrote five or so text messages that night, and it's like a time-lapse portrait of a little kid learning about capitalization, punctuation, etc.

Rassles said...

Boomer: I DO have a laptop. It's so shiny.

Freeman: I can't figure out how to use speakerphone. But it's there...somewhere, hidden within the instruction manual. You know, the one written in Vulcan.

FF: I promise, that from now on, I will play the word ver game.

Pueblo: I am an enigma.

Meems: I am very disappointed that you did not include an Anne of Green Gables reference.

Mia: I drool too, but only in public at AT&T employees who I would like to have as my own personal arm candy.

Franklin: You need an Omnibot. Boomer will explain.

Daisy: I'm sorry, I would respond more appropriately, but I started laughing when I read that you have an "old" iPod.

Erin: There's nothing wrong with being a huge fucking sell out.

Mount: Exactly. It's all about sending way too many text messages to make up for the fact that I refuse to Twitter.

Nurse: I don't even know what that is, but it sounds AMAZING.

Crow: I love my Mac, I'm not gonna lie. Join us. You, me, Steve Jobs. We'll rule the world.

Ambiblob: I do not like feeling retarded in front of gorgeous men, because I know they're thinking, "Damn. She didn't look retarded when she walked in. Fucking window-licker."

Blues: Good, I'm glad I got that point across, because I was nervous as fuck.

Wolf: Refurb is the way to go, for sure.

Trouble: I feel like I should save him from his shameful technologically obsessed life situation. And then we will fly away into the sunset.

Schmee: As I said, I am an enigma.

RF; That's because you hang out with ninjas and stuff, and they have no reason to call. Because they're right behind you.

Gypsy: Believe me, I was telekinetically grabbing him with my brain. Because I can do that.

Chris: Good advice, but too late. I'm all soulless and full of keyboardy love. BUT? Cost me $15 anyway, boyyyeeee.

NATUI: I have yet to be hosed.

Garrett: I had my phone for two years without ever learning T9. I just hit the 7 four times for "S", and so on. I'm a friggin' genius.