Sunday, May 17, 2009

Spring Cleaning

I love it when it's warm enough to sit on the porch in boxers but cool enough to drink hot coffee without shaking your fist at the sun. That's good weather: hot drinks and chill breeze and sunshine and techniclor trees.

That's a fucking poem, right there, and sometimes I can live inside one.

This weekend I was supposed to go to the dentist. This is way more satisfying than it sounds, because Dr. Good (actual name) is one of my best friends from college, and he's the local dentist in a small farm town out in rural Illinois with his wife, the town librarian. Bunch of land, old rickety farmhouse, "town" is miles away. A trip to the dentist means a five hour drive, country roads, green fields, and sitting around a fire getting drunk and talking about comic books. With very clean teeth and a librarian. Cutest. Shit. Ever.

But, there's thunderstorms and tornadoes wandering around out there, and the Goods' basement flooded and their hot water went out, and Dr. Good had to cancel. The tribulations of living in a rickety farmhouse are disastrous, because it means you don't get to hang out with me. So, my teeth will be cleaned when I have another free weekend to drive five hours to the middle of nowhere.

Instead, we cleaned the apartment, and I made MoLinder dangle our sweet shag rug over our balcony while I beat it with an old golf club. We've decided to get plants, which I will probably kill. Or the wind will get all pissy, and instead of potted porch plants we'd have shattered terracotta scattered on the sidewalk.

It can only end badly. But I ain't so afraid of losing something that I'm not gonna have it. That's a quote from somewhere, but I forget the source. And it's kind of untrue, because really, I'm afraid to own lots of things, like metal shelves and mistakes. But I want neither of those, they're just inevitable, while gardening is an easily escapable fate however desirable, sooooo...nevermind.

Then I got it in my head that it was time to clean out our storage space in the building, which I've never used, but I need the space. My old roommate lived here for about seven years, and when she moved she just left everything in there. So I bought a shiny pair of bolt cutters, having no key for the padlock, and busted that shit open. It was very B & E.

There was a whole bunch of shit that needed to be tossed. Old couch cushions, dirty bedsheets, a useless TV, a sweet, un-salvageable wooden card table with clawed feet and seriously bad finishing. Broken house phone.

A thick, worn, black leather and metal S&M jockstrap with matching fistcuffs.

You know. The usual.



Ellie said...

That is friggin' hysterical. (Are you still in contact w/ flatmate? You should send them along in the mail.)

Why are having metal shelves inevitable and scarey? (I might be missing an obvious reference; or maybe it's just something personal to you?)

Blues said...

At the very least, take a picture of the jock strap and tag your friend on facebook.

Hmmm, spring cleaning hu. you know, I still haven't gotten around to painting my apartment?

Anonymous said...

about every 2-3 years i decide i need an herb garden on my deck. and about every 2-3 years i orchestrate herbal genocide. even killed an air fern once... but hey, better than cats.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering where I left that. Thanks for finding it.

Anonymous said...

Spring cleaning depresses me too. Now I need a drink . . .

renalfailure said...

Did you keep the matching handcuffs? And is the jockstrap currently on your coffee table as a conversation piece?

MoLinder said...

the best part about finding the jockstrap was when you first picked it up, looked at it and then quickly dropped it saying, "man, someone's junk touched that".

Gwen said...

spring cleaning. I can't even imagine it right now. You are so productive. I'm jealous.

I don't get the point of all those leathery S&M props. Don't get me wrong, I can be kinky. But leather studded shit just makes me laugh and does NOT put me in the mood. Not that you were wondering or anything.

Anonymous said...

I need more props for my Friday Corset feature..... if I pay the postage.....?

Anonymous said...

"I'm afraid to own lots of things, like metal shelves and mistakes"

I had some metal shelves once. It was a mistake to use them as bookshelves. Now they're in the carport, holding up screwdrivers and such.

Love Bites said...

Goddamn, your spring cleaning is a whole lot more interesting than mine.

Also, I love the visual of you and molinder beating a rug with golf clubs.

Schmee said...


Mia Watts said...

Should have sold it all on ebay. You know, storage rental and besides people buy some crazy assed shit.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I kill most plants. All, except the bamboo from IKEA, actually.

I don't think it's even real bamboo.
Good luck cleansing your home and storage areas for Springtime. I hear it can be invigorating. I wouldn't know.

A Free Man said...

Presumably the jock didn't need to be thrown out. I mean, those things can be reused if the leather is of good quality.

Baglady said...

Maybe you coul use the jockstrap to support the plants in some way. Like some sort of kinky recycling?

Gypsy said...

I hope you kept the leather goods.

Also, I know what quote you're thinking of (I'm pretty sure), but I can't for the life of me remember the context. Damn!

Rassles said...

Ellie: It belonged to her old roommate, who has been MIA for about six years. And metal shelves? I don't know. I just always think they're going to fall, and I'm going to get unnecessary scratches.


Daisy: Totally better than cats.

Franklin: I thought it was yours.

Brian: You know what's not depressing though? Finding S&M fetish clothing.

RF: No, dude. His junk touched that.

MoLinder: Yeah, whatever, I totally just said that. Wait...I make no sense.

Gwen: I can only think of Pulp Fiction and bringing out the Gimp. I've got a friend who's a very prominent member of the Chicago fetish dom/sub scene, and seriously, some of those get-ups they have make me fucking nervous.

Nurse: Dude, this thing was nastles and ratty. But if it weren't, that idea would be worth it...

Gully: Seriously, that's terrifying. I don't know why.

LB: It was funny, but I ended up with a mouthful of dust and crumbs.

Schmee: I know, right?

Mia: Or I should have thrown it away because it smelled funny.

Ambiblob: Your bamboo is a total poser.

Freeman: No, the leather was cracked and grossish.

Baglady: Construct hanging plant holder? That might have worked, actually...

Gypsy: Seriously, that quote is driving me nuts.