Thursday, May 28, 2009

This Summer Is Going To Be Epic, And That Means Expensive

1. It has taken me a week to recover from last weekend.

2. Last weekend, as many epics do, opened in medias res, with drunken bike riding endurance trials and great feats of emotional strength, verbal dueling with hipsters and defending my kingdom against imminent douchebaggery. The details, thankfully, are fuzzy, and I've always been partial to fuzzy things.

3. That does not mean I am a fucking furry.

4. I found out that Gay Black Wayne is a furry. You may not know who Gay Black Wayne is, but he knows you, or he knows someone you know. I could be all, "Hey, Blues, this is my friend Gay Black Wayne," and then you'll be all, "Nice to meet you, I live in Spain." And he'll be all, "Oh my god! I love Spain! This one time [I went to this one place in this one city and I met this guy named Steve]!" And you'll be all, "Steve the Skeeve?" and GBW'll be all, "Yeah, I gave him a blow job in an ally" and you'll be all "OMG seriously you know Steve the Skeeve? Totally thought that guy had a girlfriend" and GBW'll be all "Oh, girl! No one has a girlfriend around me." Funnier: GBW is massive.

5. I didn't see GBW last weekend, he just came up in a conversation where I discovered that he dabbled in dressing like an animal. But look at this: Steve the Skeeve. We already have epithets, and that dude is fictional, dammit. Told you this shit was epic.

6. Hung out with old college friends (The Circus. On the day we graduated, amidst a drunken blitz, Mr. Jim Leyden gave a toast: "I just wanna say, you guys are a bunch of clowns. So here's a cheers to being in The Circus.") on Sunday and Memorial Day, who I miss terribly and I didn't even realize it. Here is a conglomerate of quotes, which is more for my recollection than yours, and I wish I had the will to coherently swirl them into a story with punch and pizzaz, but alas, I don't fucking feel like it.

Sometimes, I have to yell at Muffy for getting herself into tricky situations:

"Muffy, I'm not gonna negotiate you off the roof."

"Fuck you. Getuphere."

"They wone lemme."

"Fucking bowshit. Bowshit bowshit bowshit. Fuckin...on the roof. Fuckin' lookahme. By mysef. On the roof. Fuckin' work it. Work. It. I fucking work it. I got a fuckin' green hat, and I fucking work it. Green. Hat. Westside."

"Yer babbling all incoherentish. Please come down and hang out or I will push you off like that guy in fucking China."

Sometimes, Fraya can be a hot mess (hence the name, Hot Mess Fraya):

"Dude, I need like three more bloody marys or I'm gonna have the shakes all damn day."

"Oh, Ross--I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"Hmmmm?"

"We should go to AA."

Sometimes, Schmee and Cihak can be funny:
"Whoa, dude, I didn't recognize without your collar popped."

"He only lifts up one corner now, because he's just part douchebag now, isn't that right, Baby Face?"

And sometimes, quotes of the night can stand alone:

"I shat in that bucket for like a week."
- Clay

"And then my dad yelled at me for using too much teeth."
- Lance

...

16 comments:

daisyfae said...

i wanna be in GBW's posse.

and is there anything better than getting obliterated with friends? just back from gettin hammered with by 'breast cancer grannies'. shee-it. nobody was on a roof, however...

and you say "furry" like it's a bad thing...

hereinfranklin said...

And I thought only Southern Tri Delts or Chi Os were named Muffy.

A Free Man said...

OK, what the hell is a furry? I keep hearing the word used in various American media outlets and I'm so uncool/unAmerican/old that I have no idea what the hell people are talking about. Can you help a brother out?

sid said...

"defending my kingdom against imminent douchebaggery". You've officially just filled the void that was created by Pistols when he decided to fall in love and stop blogging. Also I'm so googling the word furry now. Thanks for not clearing that up for your non-American friends.

Mongoliangirl said...

Does it mean anything that one of the most recent additions to my life is a small, white, gay man who pops his collar, breaks out in junior high cheerleading chants on a regular basis, and would totally give someone a blow job in an alley.
I hope it does have meaning.
Otherwise, I'll end up going to AA with you. I mean, I already go to NA, but maybe I'll need 2 or 3 or 4 12 step programs to deal with it.

wolf said...

Seems to me that expensive is fine, as long as you get something epic in return.

No epic here, so I expect to read all about yours.

Betsey Booms said...

I'm pretty sure you can fund the whole summer by turning these (all of these) into t-shirts.

Gypsy said...

This is like Texts from Last Night only better.

Le Meems said...

I LOVE and MISS my college buddies. I remember one particular epic New Years Eve which really got revved up at 9AM on NY Day. It ended with me at a strip club called Centerfolds. ON the stage getting a slide lesson from a stripper around 4 in the afternoon.

I had bought underwear on the way to the strip club because I needed them. I hadn't changed my own in almost 48 hours.

I am delicious.

Le Meems said...

p.s. Can you send me an email at mimi at praisecheeses dot net?
Your "building" and "art" comment has me thinking. I just started a non-profit group with about 15 other women and could use you on the design/architecture/rePurposing committee.

holla

(wow. I can't believe I said that. I'm a total dick)

Del-V said...

I agree with Sid. It's up to you to fill the void left by Pistols. I would do it but, come on now, I suck.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I once went around telling everybody that I was into furries. I'm not. For the record.

Ummmm... but! We had a big black gorilla dressed in a tutu at our party this weekend.

Your life sounds like more fun than mine. My jealousy is oozing out of my pores a little. Or is that alcohol? Hmm.

Blues said...

Dude, I think I already know that guy. He may or may not be my brother in law.

Yeah, I don't know what furry means, which means American slang now goes over my head. Great. To me furry means I need to get waxed.

renalfailure said...

Renal Failure's got a furry. Just type "Fur Elise" into our search bar.

Generations shall know of your brave defense of the homeland against the douchebag hordes that threatened it. Hopefully in song.

Gwen said...

"Furries" upset me. I mean, I respect that they embrace their true selves and I have my own weird sex map, but still. I'm glad to hear you're not a furry.

You and your friends have really interesting conversations. My friends and I have conversations like this:

"Want to open a bottle of wine?"

"Hell yeah. Cheese, too."

"Mmmm...I like wine. And also cheese."

"Me too."

See? So boring. I don't think I could hang out with you in real life because you'd think I was the biggest, most boring dork in the whole world.

Rassles said...

Daisyfae: Everyone wants to be in his posse. And furry isn't bad, it's just...furry.

Franklin: Oddly enough, we were in a sorority together. But not that kind of sorority. Not at all that kind of sorority.

Freeman: People who dress up like animals. Sometimes they fuck each other. Whilst in animal garb.

Sid: Make sure you check out the pictures.

Mongo: For some reason, I could see you having several men like that in your life.

Wolf: I shall do my best.

Boomer: Perhaps like your t-shirt, no? We are starting a revolution my friend. Again.

Gypsy: I do love that website.

Meems: Fuck, I miss nights like that. But usually for me it's more like, "I woke up this morning and there was a bowl of chili in my purse." Also: a good portion of my wardrobe consists of $3 shirts from Walgreens purchased just for The Day After.

Del-V: I will do my damnedest, but it's spring right now, and I've got to like, drink and stuff.

Ambiblob: Wait, you've got ballerina gorillas wandering around, and you think your life is less fun than mine? You crazy.

Blues: See? I fucking knew you knew that guy.

RF: I shall begin writing the lyrics immediately.

Gwen: Oh, we have conversations like that too. All, "I can't believe you buy Wonder Bread. I prefer twelve grain" and the like.