Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Torture Is Illegal.

It's so depressing, knowing that there are men in the world, and they're like my age, just walking around, being dudes, exuding hotness, looking like Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine. Existing, laughing, making out with people that aren't me.

Fuck you. Fuck you magazines and television and goddamn Star Trek movies. This is torture, and that shit is illegal. Kind of.

I don't even read magazines, but I can feel them rattling on the shelves with their airbrushed pictures and their interviews, where guys are charming and casual and clever, and girls are coy and leggy. Fuck you.

It's going to last months, too. All summer long. Guys riding their bikes all scruffy and glisteny, heavy linked bike chains wrapped around their waists. I don't know why I find that so goddamn attractive. I love watching them eat apples, drinking out of bottles. Laughing. Especially when they're laughing, and they use their whole body as visible, shaking proof. I just like knowing that they're around, as long as they're booming and smirking and undeniably smiling and alive. It's not a look or a style, it's just this elemental, sunny, relaxed, carnal guyness. I want them around me all the time, because making them laugh might just be the greatest thing in the world, and closest I really get.

Gah. Fuck you, spring. You taunting, abstracted, glorious bastard.

...

22 comments:

tysdaddy said...

Take a cold shower, my friend . . .

Kiefer and Emo said...

When you are ready for flab just give us a call. Speak for yourself Emo. What like you're a God? Kiefer I'm in better shape than you are. Stop it, you know that can't possibly be true. Oh no...? it is in MY mirror.

Look, she's pining away for glistening laughy guys who eat apples and shake ok? She's not going to substitute that for a guy who is two people. Most days. Well yeah. There is that.

Thanatos said...

I have no problems with my beer gut. It took some effort you know.

daisyfae said...

they are at their absolute most edible when they don't think we're watching. except for the farting...

The Ambiguous Blob said...

You can have it all, Rassles. A hottie guy, a sparkling personality, a stinging wit. You just have to work it, girl. Rawr.
I mean - come on- my boyfriend is an adorable freaking rocket scientist. For serious. And my IQ is probably somewhere around his GPA.

Ellie said...

Egad, the spring ... it's almost here?! Cleavage season in London soon then!

renalfailure said...

What? Oh, sorry... I was busy drinking this bottle of water, polishing this granny smith apple, and thinking I might like to own a bike.

I think Nursemyra or Daisyfae might be able to recommend some implements to help you in your time of need.

Sarah said...

Oh Rass, I do know how you feel.

Gwen said...

Perfect. You capture feelings so well with your words. I guess the thing you need to ask yourself is: Why can't you have what you want? Any one of those apple eating, bike chain wearing hotties would be lucky to have you in their bed, in their life. I think you underestimate yourself. I understand how it feels to not think you're worthy or what have you. But YOU ARE. I hope you have a beautiful spring and summer despite your misgivings.

formerly fun said...

Yeah, it's kinda like being in heat. I'm married and in lurv big time but yeah the boys of summer, mmmm delicious.


And as a sidenote. I was single until into my thirties and at your age I was every guys friend, pudgy, insecure but funny and witty and everyguy wanted to be around me but not sure they wanted to fuck me. I blossomed(I know gag)just a little, met a few guys who dug girls like me, it builded confidence and I waited and I didn't settle and then I met him, the guy that made me excited about being married rather than terrified like I felt looking at most of the couples I knew. He's a nerd, I'm a nerd, he is hot and has no idea--I'm blond with big boobies that make up for my sturdy Hillary Clintonesque calves. And it's awesome because we speak our own language and eveyone else thinks we're retarded and we are both pretty sure we're the happiest couple we know. My point,wait there is one, is don't settle(somehow I know you won't) don't change but it's okay to evolve and you will someday find your very own hottie, whether you like it or not, he'll just run you over with his bike and offer you his other apple.

BTW, my word ver is dowit which is perfect for this horny springtime.

formerly fun said...

built not builded, ugh Imamoron.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

This is really about the guy in the elevator who wanted your candy bar, isn't it?

allstarme said...

LOL, love this.

Blues said...

Isn't that what the springtime is supposed to do to you?

I'm already fucking sweaty and it's not even June yet.

SSG said...

I know exactly what you mean. And I walk down the street and catch a look of myself in a window and I wonder what they must think when they look at me. i want to be in summer clothes in the sunshine on the grass or cycling to the park or beach and laughing... but instead i am going out to buy coat hooks in a hoodie with greasy hair. nice.

A Free Man said...

I know, so many hot guys. So little time.

What the hell am I talking about.

MoLinder said...

boom! yummy!

sid said...

hahaha. that's frigging hilarious. gosh I miss summer. no there are no more surfer dudes walking around, taunting me with their hot bodies. enjoy it while it lasts.

Del-V said...

Too bad I don't live in Chicago because I would totally take you out on my bike to the farmers market to watch me eat apples.

Mia Watts said...

"Gah. Fuck you, spring. You taunting, abstracted, glorious bastard."

Bloody brilliant.

Thick bike chains are sexy. Cold hard metal on warm glistening muscle. Teasing you with the promise that he might be contained yet he walks free... yours for the taking if you own a padlock.

Gypsy said...

Jesus god am I horny.

These days I just growl at the TV all "umphy" and slathering when the hot ones -- or the moderately attractive but MALE ones -- come on.

I feel you. Not in that way. Although, it has been a while...

Mae December said...

dude i hear ya. do i ever.